Is it time to let go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Is it time to let go?
4
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 9:42am
Hi, met a guy on vacation a while back. He is 11 years older than me (65 - 54) He had invited me to join his party because I was travelling alone. We all hit it off (2 women and he). They really took me under their wing. Was with them for 9 days. When I got home, I looked him up because he is only about 30 minutes from me by car. I sent him a group picture and I also sent him my home number and address. He e-mailed me as soon as he got it and mentioned to me that maybe someday I would like to take a ride out and we could reminisce about the trip. Also told me that he looks forward to hearing from me.

Well needless to say I was thrilled by the e-mail. Of course, I e-mailed him right back and told him anytime would be fine with me. He e-mailed me and told me that maybe in the spring when his cousin comes in we could get together. Around the holidays I sent him a card and he sent me electronic card and again mention about getting together in the good ole spring.

At the beginning I didn't mind e-mailing first but after a while he was getting very vague with his replies. I couldn't get him to open up more. I know he's shy and not very good with conversation (as one of the ladies told me) but I was getting tired of always taking the initiative; especially since I wasn't getting much back. Another reason that I hung in there for (5 months) was his friend told me on the last day that she didn't think that he was gay; that he didn't know how to communicate very well. I was a little bit surprised about that. Because he is a tired doctor and teaches bridges and goes dancing. Maybe she saw something and she wanted me to know.

I just wish I had more time with him. I think that I have given this man ample opportunity to do something. It's just so hard to let go. This has never happened before. He also told me that when he finished his role of film on his next trip that he would send me a group picture (he has sent me 2 of them)when he got them developed. He has just come back from a cruise and its about a month now that I haven't heard from him. I thought that he would take the initiative for a change and send me the group picture. Very disappointed with this. Not even to drop a one line word Hi. I refused to e-mail him about his trip. For one thing, he was very very vague when I told him to have a good time. I'm getting tired of his reply button responses and one word answers. Sorry this is so long but as you can see I'm confused. Not even a Happy Easter note.

What should I do? Am I doing the right thing by not e-mailing him first again? Is it time to let go? Thanks for your help Mary Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:57am
Don't email him at all. His level of interest appears minimal. Read between the lines. It's nothing about you so move on to greener pastures where friendship may blossom. If he's interested he would ask you for a real date.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:07pm

Didn't you post about this man and situation before?


-- jajalel (formerly known as Jilly73)


 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:09pm
I don't know if this helps but I'll throw it out to you anyway. I have a guy friend that I care about a lot. We saw each other almost every day and periodically talked on the phone. We are both "auditory communicators" and so it was easy to be on the same wavelength. Then he moved 1500 miles away. We kept in contact via e-mail. At first it was 2-3 times a week, then once a week, and occasionally less. Then at one point he stopped all together. And the messages started out good, but as they became less frequent, they also became more impersonal. I thought he was pulling away, which made me try to hold on even tighter. There were a couple of times when I said something to the effect that I thought he wanted me to go away and leave him alone. He always said no, but still came across as distant and impersonal. A couple of times I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore, but we continued to e-mail. Then he moved back to town, but I didn't hear from him at all, so I thought it was over. I eventually called him, and it was like old times. We took up right where we left off. He wanted to stay friends. The problem was that we were trying to communicate, via e-mail,which was not our preferred form of communication (auditory types prefer face to face and phone calls so you can hear each others voices). Writing doesn't give necessary cues, and so there is a lot of miscommunication and misinterpretation. Also, a lot of auditory types don't really like writing (not me though), so it's hard to put down their thoughts, and they become short and to the point. I think this is esp. true with men, who tend to be short and to the point in all communications. So it may be that your guy is the same way. It was easy to e-mail at first because he still had fresh memories of you and could rely on them to help him communicate. But after time, that fades and he becomes somewhat detached from you as a person (doesn't get the regular cues like hearing your voice, etc.). If he's a doctor, he's also probably pretty busy so even if he thinks about you from time to time, and wants to contact you, he puts it off because he's not comfortable writing out conversations, and may think that he doesn't know what to say. So .... depending on how you feel about this, you may want to give him a call. You could even call at a time you think he won't be home and leave a message so it leaves it up to him to initiate a call back when he has time to talk. Either he won't call back, which means he's not interested and it's time to move on, and just remember the good time you had with him on your trip. Or he will call and you should be able to tell from the conversation if he's interested or not. But if you do talk, I would suggest that you talk to him like a casual friend, not as a potential date. Keep the conversation light, don't hint around about going out and don't say anything like you hope the two of you can get together sometime. Leave all of that up to him. If he's interested, he'll ask you, or he will indicate he would like to call again. Let him take the lead and see where it goes. At this point you really don't have anything to lose. If you're assuming he's no longer interested and you confirm that from the phone call, your ego will be hurt a little, but at least you'll know not to waste anymore time or energy wondering. And chances are, you will at least find a friend in the deal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 2:29pm
At risk of stating the obvious, it is way past time to move on and forget this loser.