IS IT WORTH IT? Help!
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 10-20-2005 - 11:25am |
I am 27 years old and have been dating a guy for a little over a year. (We live together.) I am very frustrated and don't know what to do!
My biggest issue with him in this relationship is that he is not very dependable, and never comes home when he says he's going to come home. I have a huge pet peeve for people who say that they're going to do something, and don't do it without at least calling to let me know plans have changed. In my opinion, it's common courtesy. He enjoys going out with the boys and having beers, etc.....just as I enjoy going out with my girl friends and having drinks. The only difference is, he will tell me that he is going to be home at 10:00, and without a phone call or anything, will come walking through the door around 1 or 2 AM in the morning ON A WEEKDAY! It does not matter when it is, he NEVER follows through on coming home at a certain time. He tells me one thing and does another. He is very hesitant to give me a time that he'll be home, as he knows himself that he will never make it home by that time. I just do not understand what is so hard about it. I am so furious EVERY time that he does this. Yet, time and time again, it happens over and over. The last time that it happened (which was a week ago), I told him that I did not feel that we should live together any longer if he did not have enough respect for me to do what he said he was going to do and that he should be looking for a place to be living in by November. (the house we live in I owned, before he was even in the picture). I get so upset upset by this time and time again, that I can feel my blood boil it makes me so mad. I sometimes feel I could lose control of the anger this produces. I do not ever have feelings like this! I do not know what to do, because I know that I can not continue to feel this way for the rest of my life, and can only imagine how upset I would be if we had kids together and their dad never came home when he said he would.
I tried to "show him how it feels" awhile back when I met up with a friend on a Friday night. I told him I'd be home at 8 and went home at 11. Boy, was that a mistake! All it did was give him something to throw at me when I address his never coming home when he says he will. He tells me I need to live by my own rules and that I'm being a hypocrite. It has happened one time!!!! And that was intentional. No matter how hard I try, I just don't seem to make him understand.
Maybe a separate issue....but along the same lines of him calling me a hypocrite and that I have expectations of himself, but don't follow any rules myself:
I have a good friend whose husband just left for Iraq. She lives a couple hours away. I went to visit her last weekend, and expected to just have a night out on the town just the 2 of us. Before I left, my boyfriend and I did the kisses and the I love yous and have fun.....blah blah blah. On my way to my friend's house, I called my boyfriend's brother who plays in a band and thought that might be something we could go see for entertainment for the evening. He was not playing, but was going to one venue that had a band there, and I mentioned that "maybe" we'd see him, not knowing the plans for the evening. He called my boyfriend just to chat and mentioned that maybe I'd be seeing him. When I arrived, my friend said that she had made plans to meet up with some other friends too. (including guys and girls). We met up with these friends and I went to say hello to his brother for all of 5 minutes in the one place and then we went home. I called my boyfriend on the way home, but did not get ahold of him. The next day, he was sooo mad at me for not calling him and telling him what was going on, and that I needed to follow my own rules. In my opinion it was hardly the same gripe! I never made any promises that I was going to CALL or BE HOME AT A CERTAIN TIME or anything. NOTHING!!
Trying to make this short.......the next day, I had had plans to go to a wedding for one of my friensd with him. He told me he was going to skip the wedding to tailgate with a friend he hadn't seen for awhile and that I should skip it too and meet up with him, as it was in the same town I was in. I decided to do so. It was very clear he was pissed and had a serious chip on his shoulder the entire day. When we both got in our cars to leave, he told me "call me and let me know what you are doing, and I'll do the same." When I asked him what he thought he was going to do, he said he was going to go over to his brother's house and probably out that evening. That was the last I talked to him. He never answered any of the 10 phone calls or so that I made and ended up driving all the way home without letting me know. The next day he brushed it off by saying he was, "doing his own thing.", which clearly meant that he was mad that I did not include him on the trip to visit my friend in the first place. The way the night unrolled was really out of my control, as far as I'm concerened.
Aside, from these issues, I love him dearly. We have a great relationship if we are only able to avoid this reoccuring issue!
Anyway, hope you all can offer me some insight or advice on whether I should stick with this relationship, or pick up and count my losses.
Thank you for your time in reading this novel!!
~Misty
We were

I guess your boyfriend likes things on his terms. You have to behave while he can do whatever he wants.
The fact that this man claims he is going to be home at one time and then does the opposite basically tells you that he doesn't mind lying. When you do the same you become the evil one.
Either quit caring where he goes and what he does and what time he comes home, or both of you go to counseling to learn to work out your differences, or move on.
I recomend the counseling for both of you because he has some very passive aggressive ways of exposing his feelings. I would also not recommend putting this guy in any type of situation where he has to be responsible, like having children.
"I guess your boyfriend likes things on his terms. You have to behave while he can do whatever he wants."
That is exactly how I feel, but he thinks just the opposite. He thinks that he is on the other end of that stick. That I like things on my terms, but I am the one that can do whatever I want. I just don't understand how he can justify thinking this way.
I agree with you, and thank you for your advice. I have at times, mentioned to him that I would like to go to counseling with him, but he shrugs that off like only crazy people do things like that.
~Misty
I agree that your bf likes things on his own terms. You mentioned that everything would be fine if only you could avoid this recurring issue. The problem is you can't avoid it. It is a big issue and the evidence of other issues. He is living the double standard.
He wants to do whatever he wants and doesn't want you to complain about it. He is pulling out the hypocrite card on you in order to manipulate you. Like you said, your effort to teach him a lesson only backfired and gave him amno. However, he will always be looking for amno, no matter what you do, so don't beat yourself up.
He doesn't want to go to counseling. Saying that counseling is for crazy people shows is level of maturity. He wants things just the way they are and isn't concerned whether you're happy or not. I don't really like to advise people to send a guy packing, but without counseling, there is very little hope in him changing for the better.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend wants to be free to follow his own whims and desires when it comes to going out and what time to return home.
Start
Great advice. Thank you for taking the time....it is appreciated so much.
~Misty