Is it worth waiting for him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Is it worth waiting for him?
33
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 8:28am

I'm sure many of you may have remembered an issue that I had with a guy about a month and a half ago: We had been dating a couple months, but I wasn't sure where I stood at that point in time with him, (i.e. not just being a "convenience" to him) so I happened to ask him. He had replied back saying he wasn't "pushing" for a relationship, and wanted to make sure the girl he was dating was right for him, he wasn't seeing anyone else, and just wanted to take things "slow" with me. From the responses I got from you all, you had all mentioned that he had every right to take his time, as we had only been dating a couple months.

Another month and a half has passed, and I am even more confused than I was before because we do everything a boyfriend/girlfriend do in a relationship. He calls me at least once every single day, we hang out about 4-5 times a week, he takes me out, compliments me, etc.

Last night I happpened to ask him again where I stand or what he considers me because when I go out with my girlfriends, I do happen to have guys approach me and I am confused on what to say to them. In fact, this past weekend, I had actually given my number to a guy. He called, I didn't answer. I actually told the guy I am seeing that I do have guys approach me and I have been asked for my number, just to see what his reaction would be. I figured, if he didn't care, then it was obvious we weren't going anywhere in our "relationship". The guy I'm dating replied back stating that I should be telling guys that I am "dating" someone, and I would like to continue dating him. My response to him? "What is considered dating?" He added that he only wants to be seeing me, and only me, but just wasn't ready yet to put a label on us. I had asked why and he had mentioned how the last two serious relationships that he had had, the girls turned out to be not the same woman he had started dating, I guess. So, I think he does have issues with past relationships, which I can understand.

The only thing I am wondering is if we're just "dating" and I am technically single how am I supposed to tell guys that I'm seeing someone else? He had mentioned to me, in addition, that he has girls that come up to him when he goes out with his friends but he "ignore them" because he "only wants to be with me" which is a direct quote from him. I told him I understood, but it was still unfair to me saying I shouldn't be seeing other guys if we aren't really "offically" together.

This all happened last night, so when I was at his place I went to bed a little frustrated and confused. This morning when I was leaving his place, I just said "bye" and was about to leave. He got sad, and said, "Come here" and proceeded to give me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. He said, "I like you so much, but just please don't rush me on having me call you my girlfriend." I mentioned again to him that I was just confused. He replied back saying, "I didn't say I didn't want more, I just want to take my time. It seems like it is working out between us but I just need more time."

Soo...I have a guy that I was interested in when I met him on Friday, but I feel that if I call him, or meet up with him for dinner I'm basically cheating on this guy that I'm "dating" because he had said that he didn't want to see anyone else and I shouldn't be either.

My question? How long do I wait for this guy to say that we're "exclusive"? He's not seeing anyone else, I haven't been either, yet he wants to take his time.

FYI: We have been dating about 3 and a half months.

Any advice or input is greatly appreciated! I really do like this guy a lot, but I'm just confused.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 9:38am

Wow, nothing can screw up a relationship more than people, yet, people are crucial to having relationships. This guy told you what was going on inside of him. He is telling you he only wants to date YOU. In my mind, "dating" can be synonymous with exclusivity. The label "girlfriend" seems to be the hangup here. How does he refer to you - as "friend"? If he refers to you as "friend" then I could see being upset. If he refers to you as the girl he is dating, then that would be okay with me. I wouldn't want to be a convenience either if I had feelings for the guy.

You may be thinking "Is he playing a game by not calling me"girlfriend"? That is key too. Because it seems these days, the dating games are worse than ever. Guys dont want to give a girl what she wants upfront and right away - "make them work for it" - they feel.

There's nothing like 2 souls who just come together and love on each other without pretense - so I know what you mean - that's when it feels "right". Guys, for some reason, like losing women they care about - maybe angst is back "in". If he knows that is what you really want (being called girlfriend), and he carries no baggage about it - (but it seems he does) - then he's playing with your emotions. He said that the last couple of women were not who they appeared to be. Okay, I can dig that. But guess what? Little Boy Blue will then spend the rest of his life searching because you can spend 20 years with someone and never really know them and some glaring horrible trait about them will come flying out at you. If he got conned, and we've all been there - my second husband was a real loser with pretending to be someone he wasnt - then he can join the club and cry over his beer later. Him being scared is nothing new. Him being insecure is nothing new. But a guy without guts - is a turn off. I'm scared everyday - but I put on a brave face and get on with things. You gotta fake it til you make it.

It seems that without any pressure he is falling into "boyfriend/girlfriend" status with you and if you want to back off and let it happen naturally, which is usually the preferred method, then great. His actions are proving to be a better indicator of his emotions than his words.

Maybe the question really is: will this man make himself uncomfortable and vulnerable and make a (potential) fool of himself to make you happy? There's no other feeling like it in the world - very intoxicating - yet very few men have stepped into the arena quite like this. If you are yearning for this - take it to another knight.

I have witnessed how insecurity and selfishness can ruin love. This is a new insight for me: men will actually have women fawn over them (or flirt or act like they "want" him) so the object of their affection will realize that they are a hot commodity. Either he got bad advice and he asks "friends" (women) for a favor to make someone jealous or they manipulate someone who happens to be handy who he knows has the hots for him and milks it. Now, his object of affection HAS indicated her interest in him to him. Yet, the fool that he is, has to ramp it up a notch - maybe to bring out the competitiveness in her so she vies for him and realizes that HE is who she wants. Now, some women will respond to that. I don't. In my mind, he diminished himself before me...and now he doesn't stand out to me....he is just like every other guy in the world - insecure and jealous and game player. Why would a guy toy with the emotions of a woman who he KNEW wanted him? He had it in the bag. Because...his need to feel special...his need to control the woman's behavior and emotions....his need to manipulate...and his selfishness far outweigh his lady's love or her feelings. And when you are in love, you protect each other's feelings. **sigh**. I guess love is the thing of fairy tales because humans wreck it every time with their foibles.

I was born without a "reset" switch when it comes to love. I have walked away from men, who, because of stupidity decided to play games with me instead of being straightforward and just being real. They apologize and want another chance or, because of marriage - I was stuck having to try to start over. I am PHYSICALLY unable to give them another chance. I have tried, when hurt, especially by my ex husbands, to try and forgive and forget and start over with a FRESH HEART. I can't do it. It is not pride or ego or anything like that. I have tried and I can't get it back to where it once was - AN OPEN HEART. Maybe it is a fault of mine. I would rather be alone than be with someone who will continually walk over my heart and my emotions (out of selfishness, insecurity, callousness) till we get to the point that I am just spent.

If you do go out with another guy, you risk losing Little Boy Blue. That is your choice. But if you go out with this other guy, do it for YOU, not to jump start your guy's mouth and call you "girlfriend" because he can, just as quickly, take it back. Go with your gut. If the label means more than the guy, then leave him. If you feel comfortable sticking it out then do it. Everyone is different and has different needs. I never asked a guy about labels or how he refers to me, I just assume we're dating and he voiced his want for monogamy and its usually ok by me. It's kind of like getting married for some people - the label means everything, but when you get married for that label, sometimes it falls apart and then you realize you had it better not being married. I don't think I actually helped you, but if you can get something out of this post, then I think I did ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 10:54am

He does refer to me as the girl he's "dating", and not as a "friend" which I guess is good. He's introduced me to all of his friends, and like I said earlier, we do everything a normal couple would do if they were exclusive. I just don't understand why the term "girlfriend" is such a big deal to him. I told him that even we put a label on us it wouldn't be any different than where we are now since we are both only seeing each other.

I guess he just needs his time and doesn't want to rush things, and wants to make sure the girl he's dating is "right" for him. I'm not sure if I should take this as being that he's looking for "the one" then, or what? He is after all going to be turning 30 while I am going to be turning 23 next month...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:13pm
Hey, he's a male...OF COURSE he's "seeing" others...that's what they DO!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:15pm

Just out of curiousity: Where did you get that he's seeing others? He told me specifically last night that he is not seeing anyone else and he only wants to see me, I just don't have the official "gf" title...which is still confusing to me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:32pm

You need to ask him if, in his mind, "dating" equals "exclusivity". Exclusivity is not a "label", IMO, it's an agreement not to date other people or seek out other people to date.

I personally think he's being silly about the whole label thing, personally, because calling someone your girlfriend doesn't mean you can't take your time and get to know her before making any sort of serious commitment (that's what dating is all about--you don't avoid that by avoiding labels), but whatever, I guess you need to work with his quirks ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:35pm

23 is a nice age and you have plenty of time to make sure that this guy is right for you too. Guys these days are not saying "I love you" so soon either. I know one guy who made his girlfriend wait for over a year before he said it. I guess it is part of the new guy's "movement" that has pretty much reversed dating, as we once knew it. More games than ever. How can you trust someone with your heart when they can't even be themselves and just reach out for you? They have to put women in a state of anxiety. And then they freak out when she spazzes. Many years ago, the games and moves that guys are doing now didn't take place.

So, instead of "I love you." He wont' say "girlfriend".

What does he say or do when you have referred to him as a boyfriend, if you have done that?

He wants to make sure that the girl is right for him, before commiting to her a label like "girlfriend"? That way, you know that he wants you for the long haul. But I think it is kind of phoney of him to do that, if you don't mind me saying so. To create this aura about him that puts him in special way, like fine wine instead of beer. So, for HIM to call you girlfriend...wow...now you are an impressive person. The great "____" has finally deemed you his girlfriend, like he's higher on the food chain than you or me. Alot of girls are eating alot of crap these days to date and to have a guy. I'd rather be alone (then again, I've been married twice already) and I am in no hurry to have my heart broken just so some guy can get his rocks off on me and my hurt.

Also, just to make matters more confusing, keep in mind that men do stupid things when they are in love. That will always be a constant variable. Like I mentioned in the previous post, they'll try to make a girl jealous or see if she can handle women adoring him (testing self confidence? puuleeeasse) to see if she is WORTHY enough for him, the great "him". Them and their precious selves. I cannot bear any fool who is dumb enough to listen to bad advice and play hard to get with me, test my feelings, my emotions, my self confidence, my ability to date with common sense because of his lack of self esteem.

I can understand a mistake. An honest mistake IS forgiveable. But not game playing - game playing is entirely different to me - it is the way he relates to everyone, it is engrained in his spirit. I cannot understand why any man would take a decent, pretty woman who exudes specialness and then want to reduce her to an anxious, nervous, scared person - because of HIS insecurity. I guess it is energy sapping that they are really looking for. Because he is left with a different woman than he started with. If you ever saw the movie "Two Can Play at That Game" it resembles this mess I illustrated. First of all he tells the woman he is dating that he is working late. But goes out to dinner at her favorite restaurant with a pretty coworker. Girlfriend shows up with her friends and the games begin. What he did was game playing and what she did was game playing afterwards and, amazingly, they do end up with each other in the end. If it was me, he would have lost me right at the beginning -lying about working late and purposely showing up at the favorite restaurant - there would have been no movie made.

Also, alot of guys are getting bad advice these days. If you ever saw the movie "Singles" a guy and girl meet and connect and the listens to the advice of all of his friends (men and women) and he loses her for a period of time. She eventually blows him off and then she asks if she can return.

But the only real way to date is to be real. If someone puts up a show or a game, then he'll never know if youare right for him because he is filtering the information through the game playing funnel.

But, if you perceive him to have real hangups in areas you don't have hangups, you'll end up frustrated with him in the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:43pm
From what he told me, he is "dating" me. He says that he nor I should be seeing other people, because he's only interested in me. This is considered being exclusive, yes? (Just not giving in to the whole label of the "gf")
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 12:47pm

Yes, I'd say that's exclusive but I would verify that with him. I don't like to assume anything when discussing exclusivity.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 1:02pm

It sounds like he is exclusive with you and cares about you, he's just scared of the label. So if you like him, it has only been 3 1/2 months, give it a chance.
He sounds like he's honest andconsiderate and doesn't want to say things he doesn't mean but the things he is saying sound pretty positive


,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 1:13pm

Do you honestly think that throwing stuff in his face about other guys expressing interest in you is going to help your cause here? From a man's perspective, it is really easy to see through this as an attempt to make him jealous so that you get what you want. However, it also shows that it is manipulative and irresponsible.

As men, we understand that many women want as much as they can as fast as they can from a man. We understand that relationship labels are very important to you as they result in increased expectations of us. We understand that you want to be won.

We also know that it's not always all about you. We must also carefully consider our wants and needs as they are of equal value, equal importance and equal priority as your wants and needs. We need to learn about your character (responsibility, integrity and ethics) before we make the decision to invest our valuable time with you.

If you want something from this budding relationship, then take the self-responsibility required and ask for it. Men appreciate that.

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