Is it worth waiting for him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Is it worth waiting for him?
33
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 8:28am

I'm sure many of you may have remembered an issue that I had with a guy about a month and a half ago: We had been dating a couple months, but I wasn't sure where I stood at that point in time with him, (i.e. not just being a "convenience" to him) so I happened to ask him. He had replied back saying he wasn't "pushing" for a relationship, and wanted to make sure the girl he was dating was right for him, he wasn't seeing anyone else, and just wanted to take things "slow" with me. From the responses I got from you all, you had all mentioned that he had every right to take his time, as we had only been dating a couple months.

Another month and a half has passed, and I am even more confused than I was before because we do everything a boyfriend/girlfriend do in a relationship. He calls me at least once every single day, we hang out about 4-5 times a week, he takes me out, compliments me, etc.

Last night I happpened to ask him again where I stand or what he considers me because when I go out with my girlfriends, I do happen to have guys approach me and I am confused on what to say to them. In fact, this past weekend, I had actually given my number to a guy. He called, I didn't answer. I actually told the guy I am seeing that I do have guys approach me and I have been asked for my number, just to see what his reaction would be. I figured, if he didn't care, then it was obvious we weren't going anywhere in our "relationship". The guy I'm dating replied back stating that I should be telling guys that I am "dating" someone, and I would like to continue dating him. My response to him? "What is considered dating?" He added that he only wants to be seeing me, and only me, but just wasn't ready yet to put a label on us. I had asked why and he had mentioned how the last two serious relationships that he had had, the girls turned out to be not the same woman he had started dating, I guess. So, I think he does have issues with past relationships, which I can understand.

The only thing I am wondering is if we're just "dating" and I am technically single how am I supposed to tell guys that I'm seeing someone else? He had mentioned to me, in addition, that he has girls that come up to him when he goes out with his friends but he "ignore them" because he "only wants to be with me" which is a direct quote from him. I told him I understood, but it was still unfair to me saying I shouldn't be seeing other guys if we aren't really "offically" together.

This all happened last night, so when I was at his place I went to bed a little frustrated and confused. This morning when I was leaving his place, I just said "bye" and was about to leave. He got sad, and said, "Come here" and proceeded to give me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. He said, "I like you so much, but just please don't rush me on having me call you my girlfriend." I mentioned again to him that I was just confused. He replied back saying, "I didn't say I didn't want more, I just want to take my time. It seems like it is working out between us but I just need more time."

Soo...I have a guy that I was interested in when I met him on Friday, but I feel that if I call him, or meet up with him for dinner I'm basically cheating on this guy that I'm "dating" because he had said that he didn't want to see anyone else and I shouldn't be either.

My question? How long do I wait for this guy to say that we're "exclusive"? He's not seeing anyone else, I haven't been either, yet he wants to take his time.

FYI: We have been dating about 3 and a half months.

Any advice or input is greatly appreciated! I really do like this guy a lot, but I'm just confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 3:03pm
Well, I don't know how old you are but MEN actually think it's alright to LIE...although WE (women) always find out! Men just don't know HOW to lie...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 3:43pm

Just got a text from him asking what the coversation was about last night. He had also mentioned that it was unacceptable for me to be going out with other guys if I am dating him. I replied back saying I didn't know what he wanted. He replied back to me saying that he is dating me, and only me and there shouldn't be any other guys involved. He mentioned that he will be dating me and only me until he decides that he would like to consider me his "gf", but if I force it, I'll apparently "suffocate" him and then he won't want to date anymore.

Ugh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 3:55pm
Just tell him that "until HE decides what HE wants" isn't YOUR problem & if you are NOT "exclusive" you SEE no reason to NOT being "allowed" to see other men!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 4:55pm
But he had also mentioned in the text to me that if I force it upon him, he's going to feel suffocated and won't be interested in dating me anymore. I really like this guy, but it's confusing. Some of my friends advised me to just carry on and act like he is my BF, even though I don't have the official "gf" title.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 5:54pm

Good to see he called you on your manipulation routine. He is being very clear on where he is at and what he wants. Now you have to make a decision.

What is more important to you;
a) The value he has as a man and contributes to your life
b) The label of "Girlfriend"?

Your choice, just understand the potential consequences of your choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 6:21pm

To be honest, the label of being "in a relationship" or being a "girlfriend" to him is important to me, as a girl.

And what exactly do you mean by saying that I should consider the consquences of my choices?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 6:22pm
So, what ya wanna do is...just go on with your life as it was before you met him.Pretend he doesn't exist (that's hard, I know!) & wait for him to contact you but DON'T just sit at home hoping he'll call! Go out with other guys even...hey, HE said you could, HE is supposedly not but you don't know that for sure! If he's really interested...he WILL contact you & if not, he's not worth your time anyway!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 6:31pm
He never said I should/could date other guys. That's what he DOESN'T want. He's not dating anyone else, either. He has mentioned repeatedly that he only wants to see me, but apparently I don't have the official title of "gf". That's what the whole issue is about.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 7:01pm

Ok--so it sounds like he considers you to be exclusive. I would just go with that--obviously he equates calling you his GF with being engaged or something ;-) (and he's probably one of those guys who thinks saying ILY is the same as proposing marriage, LOL!) but if you can live without the title, you've got what a GF would have at this point, anyway (exclusivity).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 7:06pm

It is very clear that he attaches a fair amount of significance to the label "girlfriend". What I suggest you do is ask him - What does the label "girlfriend" mean to you? Then you can state what the label means to you. That way, you will better understand your differences and what you both can do to close the gap.

You asked - "And what exactly do you mean by saying that I should consider the consequences of my choices?"

Do you honestly think that he would want to continue dating a woman that tells him that the label "girlfriend" is more important than the value he represents as a man and that he contributes to your life?

Here's the deal for most men. Would you want to date a man that is irresponsible or lacks integrity? Probably not. Nor do we as men want to date a woman that lacks responsibility or integrity towards a relationship. It takes an investment of time to learn about your wants, needs, expectations, goals, priorities, ethics, integrity and responsibility towards life and relationships. This is what he is doing right now before he makes a more specific commitment to you, including using the label of "girlfriend". This is a critical step towards building a relationship that is equality-based and mutually-beneficial. Men also want value out of our relationships.