It's been 2 years.............??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
It's been 2 years.............??????
24
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 10:31pm
Hello, I need alittle advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and things are awesome. Given we have our usually couple fights (not too often) and work our our problems out together.

My boyfriend is 29 years old and I am 27 years old. We live an hour away from each other but still manage to see each other 3-4 times a week. I have 3 children from a past marriage and he has never been married and doesn't have any children.

I have been talking to my boyfriend this weekend about moving in together. He straight out told me that he is not ready. He said that he loves me and that I do everything the way he wants but he is just not ready. I asked him if he EVER wanted to get married and he said he does and he does see me in his life years from now so the made me feel better.

My question is: Do men take longer to make this kind of commitment? If he is not ready than I can understand that as long as I know that it WILL happen than I will wait for him to be ready. I am just asking to move in together, I am not asking him to marry me now. He told me that it has nothing to do with the kids and I hope that thats the truth.

What is the normal for couples to date before moving in together? I don't want to push him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 11:12pm
As a man, I can tell you that moving in with your girlfriend is a big thing even after two years. It may be because he is afraid to lose his freedom and the privacy of living alone. I know that is the feeling that I would have.

Let's put it this way, if I was dating someone for a few years and then she asked me to move in, my first thoughts would be what a huge committment that was. That wouldn't mean that I'm not serious about my girlfriend or that I didn't see a future with her, I would just be thinking (and unfortunately selfishly) about what I'm going to give up. Now you may say, well I would still allow him to have his freedom, etc., but how can he be sure. Additionally, he may be thinking about all the responsbility of living with 3 children. Don't underestimate that.

If he is treating you well and is respecting you, I would not bring it up again. Continue to treat him well and show him that you respect his freedom. If he is really serious about you, he will suggest moving in at some point. If you have a time limit on things (i.e. you want to get married in 3 years, etc.) then bring this up to him slowly.

Just give him some more time. He knows where you stand on this issue. Don't bug him about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 11:23pm
Thank you, this is what I needed to hear.


I am still willing to hear more from other members..........


p.s. I do believe that he is not ready to give up his privacy(not that he is hiding anything) I just know that he likes to take his shirt off when I'm not there and I always ask him why he feels he can't do that around me but he just says that he likes to do it when I'm not around.


Men, I just can't figure them out sometimes!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 11:29pm
Cool. Another thing is don't sweat it to much. I'm pretty sure it is just a freedom thing. If my girlfriend asked me to move in, I would hit the panic button immediately, but overtime I would seriously consider it.

Just relax on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 8:02am
I was blown away by your post. You have three young children whom you are ready and willing to subject to this experiment because you don't want to sleep alone anymore. Great role-model, mom. Tell you what, if you can't teach them by example that the proper order of adult life is dating first, then MARRIAGE, just put your love-life on the back burner for a few years until they are grown. There will be less damage that way and they will maintain some respect for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 8:54am
its my opinion that if you are honestly seeking to remarry and desire your current b/f to be your husband, why do you want to suggest moving in together?...why not become engaged and plan a wedding?....i don't feel living together automatically develops into marriage and this plan could actually backfire...i did live with my husband prior to marriage but we were engaged with a wedding date set...i am now in my 40's and widowed and just starting to live with my b/f of 1.5 years but my goal at this age is not to remarry (yet anyway LOL).

if i were you i would discuss marriage with him and not focus on living together.

good luck!

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 10:56am

Ouch... Ivdarian, I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:00pm
Well ivdarian, I'm actually blown away by your post. I came here for some quote *friendly* advice and you want to rip me apart? My relationship with by boyfriend does not have anything to do with what kind of *role model* I am to my children. You want to know what my children see? They see there mother who is happy and in a healthy relationship and who wants nothing but a family life for them!!!!!

Just because my boyfriend is not ready now doesn't mean that he'll never be ready. I was looking for advice on how long relationships usually last before moving in together or turn into marriage.

Yes, I was married once before but if I would of lived with him first I can tell you that I would't of married him!!!!!!!! I am saving myself from another divorce, thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:07pm
jajalel, thanks for your reply. I want to say that yes I really would love to get remarried again soon. But I am not willing to give up my sweet boyfriend just because he is not ready. I guess that was kinda my question in the beginning. Do people really give up a good relationships because someone else isn't ready? I could see if he said he would never be ready but I did ask him that and he said he wants to but just not right now and I can understand that.

I would never want a forced marriage or moving in together. I want this to be a mutual thing.

But thank you Jajalel for not ripping me apart! This place is suppose to be for advice. I didn't think that I asked a bad question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:52pm

Hi


Yes, men do often need a while to make such a commitment. Also - he's not just taking you on, but 3 kids


does he act commited to you in every other way? Is he a dependable, loving person? It's honorable that he's telling you where he is coming from.


So give him time. But don't table the discussion forever.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:44pm
I stand by my opinion, and here's why. If a woman (or man) wants to live with a member of the opposite sex without marriage, its foolish and a waste of time. However, if a woman or man drags children into this scenario, its reckless. When children are involved, its a whole different ballgame. It makes me crazy when I see lonely women subjecting their kids to an "anything goes because I WANT it" lifestyle. The kid's lives become sexualized and chaotic. Often the boyfriend is the first in a line of serial studs. Then the children have to deal with mom's emotional instability and neediness when the relationships end.

"Plenty of couples live together before getting married."

Yeah, and plenty of people smoke dope with their kids. Whats your point?

"Its only your opinion that living together makes them bad role models in front of their children."

Yes. Its my opinion, based on being the parent of three teenagers and watching the crap many of their friends are put through living with their single moms and revolving-door men.

"However, this is also YOUR life we are talking about."

Wrong. The lives of her children take precendence. ALWAYS.

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