Its been 4 months

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Its been 4 months
4
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 5:13pm
In July my boyfriend and I signed a lease to move in together after over a year of being together, (and having lived together previously for three months during my apartment transition phase).
Three days later he broke news to me that we were "going in different directions and he wasn't sure we would work".
Needless to say I was devastated. He never moved in and over the next 4 weeks I found out more to the story than what he originally mentioned. There was another girl (and by girl, I mean someone who was nine years younger than him, 19 yrs old) and they had hooked up. It took all four weeks to get the story out and over that time it was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I didn't want to accept our break up and tried every day to convince him he was leaving something good for something he wasn't sure of. Although part of him agreed, he was still not completely convinced we would work out- or that he was good enough for my future.
After a month of torment and heartache, I sucked everything I had up and decided it was inevitable that we would not be together. I was upset and hurt and in need of something to make me feel better. (In my younger years I used men as an outlet for my anger. I would hook up with them and after getting bored, leave. It was childish and stupid, but I was young.)
I was so out of it that I thought what I needed was someone to have a fling with to get my mind off of things. So, I pursued a guy I worked with. We had been flirting pretty heavily for some time, but I never thought to take things further until then.
We hooked up the first night we went out (a little drunk to say the least), which I later sort of regretted because I didn't know if I could emotionally handle it. I told him the next day that I was OK with just leaving things at that and if things didn't go further it wouldn't affect how we worked together...I just didnt want to make things weird for either one of us. He seemed ok with things and surprisingly enough, we were able to work together just fine. There was nothing awkward about it.
Ironically, my ex initiated contact again so we started talking about things. He had now taken in this girl to live with him, as she was kicked out of the place she was staying. He was saying how much he missed me and how sorry he was. I was so mad that he was saying all of this while she was sitting next to him...and that he just assumed I would be ok with everything- and his apology.
Over the next few weeks, the guy I hooked up with (AJ) and I started to hang out more. I made it perfectly clear to him that I didn't want anything serious- which I only assumed was mutual since he never mentioned anything else anyway. I felt like I needed to say it out loud so I could keep myself from getting attached in any way. (Whether we like it or not, women tend to let SOME sort of emotion enter even a casual relationship).
My ex and I talked on and off, over the phone & through emails...he told me he made a mistake and wanted me to forgive him. At first I was completely against just accepting it since he did put me through so much for an entire month. After thinking about things, I just decided to forgive, but I told him I couldn't just forget overnight. He found out that I was seeing AJ and was a little upset, to say the least.
When we talked, I could see where he was coming from, but it still upset me that he let things go so far and then backed out after we were committed to an apartment and eachother (or so I thought). He said he was scared, I didn't give him the time he needed, my career seemed more important than him, I was too this, too that...but he still loved me and wanted things to work out. No, we didn't have a perfect relationship, but we worked things out as best as we could during the time we were together. I always knew there were some major difference between us, especially when it came to how we viewed life, the future and our communication style, but I still fell in love. The feeling was real.
It's been 4 months and until recently he has been trying everything in his power to get me back. He says things like "If you were ever really in love with me, you would be back with me right now". Everything he says seems valid enough, but I just can't seem to get past things. I am still very angry. He NOW thinks that I will never meet someone that is as honest as him (because even though he cheated, he still TOLD me) and that I obviously never really felt as much for him as I used to tell him.
When we were together, I was totally in love. I thought about him in my future way before we even discussed it, I let him inside me head and my heart like no one else...I know it wasn't fake, but I dont understand one thing.
Is he right? Should I be over this already? Or is this just one thing he is trying to drill into my head to make me go back to him?
It's not like I am completely out of love with him, I just feel so differently now and I cant go back to the way things were...because things arent the way they were before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: bep630
Fri, 12-02-2005 - 7:24pm

No, no, no, you are very right and he is very wrong. He says:

"He says things like "If you were ever really in love with me, you would be back with me right now"."

Anybody who starts a sentence with "If you were ever really in love with me..." is a huge manipulator. Please please don't buy into it. I assume from your post that this man IS LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. Technically he is cheating on her by having emotional conversations with you and professing his love. This guy can't handle being alone for even one minute. Who's to say he isn't going to cheat on you with her again?

From your post I don't see where he has gone to therapy to figure out why he cheated and he hasn't made any changes in his life that would result in a more honest path. I don't understand why you are still giving this guy the time of day. Let him be with his 19 year old girlfriend who "got kicked out of her house." The two deserve each other I am sure.

Move on, move on, move on, and block this guy from calling you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: bep630
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 12:58am
He's living with a 19 year old girl, put you through an emotional living hell and he has the audacity to be uspet that you're seeing AJ? That alone would convince me this guy is a self centered jerk. He says "you'll never meet another guy like him"? I'd say to him, "I hope not. I plan to spend the rest of my life with a guy who doesn't cheat on me and who will love me no matter how busy I get at work!" His saying "at least I told you I cheated" is plain assinine! There are plenty of guys out there who don't cheat at all! And he has the nerve to blame you for the problems you did have, telling you you're "too this" and "too that"! This guy sounds like a champion manipulator! Don't fall into his game! Your feelings are normal and you are right in not wanting to trust him again. Once a cheater, always a cheater! Maybe AJ is not the guy of your dreams, but keep dating him and whomever else you want to date.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: bep630
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 8:58am
I'm with the other ladies here... don't fall for his shenanigans. What will happen is he'll get you back and it will all start all over again. Unless he's gone through some major reconstructive behavioral therapy, I would keep moving forward like you are without him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: bep630
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 10:10pm
once a cheater always a cheater...you're the other woman now! he's living with another girl and actively pursuing you. do you not see this?? He's going to keep calling and contacting you because you have not given him a clear RED signal.
Your (ex) boyfriend's behavior is simply unacceptable. He has shown you his true colors. He's calling and saying he's made such a mistake, etc. What has he done to change?? How can you trust him? What has he done to make up for the betrayal except to make a couple of phone calls. Don't you know that talk is cheap?? ARe you going to trust that he won't walk off again? Why would you do that??
You are not over him because you didn't follow the rult- NO CONTACT. You can't simultaneously get over someone while you're still in contact, checking things out. Give yourself a six month break from him, no calls, no IM, no anything. If at the end of that time, you can go on a double date wtih him as buddies, cheer him on as he falls in love with someone new great, call him...but if you're still confused about what a complete and total jerk he was to you, then wait another six months.
Burned once, shame on him. Burned twice, shame on you.