It's better when he tells you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
It's better when he tells you?
7
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 8:34am
I'm dating a guy I met online. We dated 3 times so far, and it went well, I liked beeing with him. Never one time, online or personally, we talked about relationships (our past relationships or a relationship between us). This gets me a little scared.

There are all type of guys in this department, there are those who very soon tell you they are looking for a relationship (not with me, but that can be a possibility), the ones that don't tell this, but talk about relationships in general, and those who didn't say anything at all, like this one.

I've dated all type of guys, but this one scares me, because last time I dated a guy who doesn't talked about this issues, I ended involving with him, and then when I talk about us, and what he wants, I understood he didn't talk about it because he just want to have fun, and was not worry at all of what I want.

So, should I wait some more dates and when I see a possible involvement between us, talk about it, or should I wait for him to talk about it?

What is more reliable, a man, who says what he wants (can be a liar, of course), or a man who just stays shurt up about it? Can I trust him without him talking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 8:56am
aladina...

Pianoguy is gonna play "devil's advocate" with you...okay?

Which type of man makes YOU more comfortable? The one who makes his intentions 100% clear at the beginning of a relationship? Or the one who is spontaneous and keeps you guessing?

From our vantage point...we're not going to say EVERYTHING a woman wants to hear simply because...MEN AREN'T MADE THAT WAY! From your vantage point...YOU WOULD PROBABLY PREFER SOME FEEDBACK?

Go the distance with "Mr. On-Line" for 3 more dates...and then, if his intentions aren't clear...bring up the "where is our relationship going" question! Just be prepared for a positive or negative response.

Best wishes and warm thoughts from...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 9:13am
Thanks for your response.

I know most men don't say what they want, and as Enrique Iglesias says in his music "Don't turn out the lights":

"I don't have to tell you

What this is all about

'Cause baby half the fun

Is in us figuring it all out"

I also think this way, I think things happen more naturally if you don't have the pression of an early talk about what both want. It's just it scares me a little, because I'm not a mood to play around, I really want to find a decent guy, fall in love, have a relationship. I'm not in a FWB, ONS, so to speak, and I don't want to spend time with a man, starting liking him a lot and then discover that we're not in the same "channel", you know. That I'm looking for a relationship and he just wants to play.

He can also not became never my boyfriend, and stay just a good friend, but that's about compatibilities between two persons, not because different goals.

I just think that I'll wait some more dates and ask him in a subtle way, what he's looking for. I guess I don't want to get involved and get hurt again, the experience I had now and previous mistakes with men makes me more aware and take care of myself. Thanks.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 9:33am
I make it a point to ask a guy what he's looking for in a relationship in general on the first couple of dates, just to see if we're on the same page. I'm not interested in wasting my time with someone who is just looking for something casual. None of the guys I've met who sincerely want a serious LTR has had a problem with this question, and asking it so early makes it clear that I'm not asking what they want with ME (way too soon to know that!) but rather just what their relationship goals are in general.

I don't think this has anything to do with "trust", it's just a matter of getting the information you need to figure out whether it makes sense to continue seeing him. If you aren't on the same page with what you want out of a relationship, then what's the point?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 5:03pm
Does he give you any clues? Sometimes the small things can say a lot about how someone feels.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 5:29pm
Well, he really didn't gave me any clues at all!!!

He never asked me about past relations, he even didn't asked me if I have a boyfriend at the present, or if I'm married or divorced, nothing!! As also he never said anyting about him. concerning past relations. But he did also in a conversation made allusion of sex between us (totally out of context), he just said he used imagination and tooked things that way (???)

Well, maybe that was a clue!!! He's not interesting in a relationship, so he don't give a dawn about if I have a boyfriend, or I'm married, or divorced...

It's curious he talked sex between us before even talk about relationships... hummmm....

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 5:50pm
Oh, yeah, I'd say that's a big red flag! If you're looking for anything other than a fling, I'd steer clear of this guy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 8:10pm
What's wrong with you taking the initiative here and YOU starting the dialog? Nothing as far as I can see. Take the bull by the horns and ask him about his last relationship and see where this leads. There's no point in you going on three more dates when it can all be decided on the fourth date.