its so complicated.

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Registered: 03-19-2007
its so complicated.
9
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 1:44am

This is a long story. I am 18 yrs old and the dude I like is 22. I know him for the last three months. At tht point I was getting out a relationship tht was so not working. He has a girlfriend for the last three yrs. He was unhappy but wit her. She is also 22.
Let me first clue you’ll in abt their relationship first before going onto my prob.

Their dads have been good frnds since age 5. These two started going out at 18. But she was always psychotically jealous and possessive, and wud flare up over anything or anybody. Once he was going out to hang out with his frnds, she got nuts, called him up saying she ahd cut herself. Apparentally she had written his name on her hand with a blade. And when he rushed to her she forced him to cut himself too. In another similar situ, she said she had drank kerosene and then made him take a sip too. Once she hit him on his ear so hard, he suffers from nerve damage and cant hear too clearly with one ear. She is prone to hitting him, throwing tantrums. If ever he wud try to end the relationship, she wud threaten to commit suicide or hrut herself. And he wud end up staying with her. As the relationship went on, it became harder to call it quits as a) she ahd decided they wud get married and all one day and b) if they broke up now it wud affect the friendship between their dads and he dint want tht to happen which is why he dint do anything. But then these idiots went ahead and slept with each other. And once accidentally she got pregnant. Fortunately both the fathers are gynos, so his dad sorted stuff out. But this complicated matters further.

A yr and a half after the above incident, he met me. And we both fell for each other real bad. And its so wonderful between us two. We are so comfortable and in love, we care about each other. It doesn’t seem like we know each other only three mnths. Feels like I kno him for yrs. We are each others best frnds. Its so wonderful.

When he told me stuff abt how she wud manipulate him – and I have countless stories as proof – I told him he shud stand up for himself and a person who hits and hruts u is not a person u shud spend time with. Or so I feel. He liked me and he agreed. And he broke up with her. But then she went nuts. And she did the worlds most stupid things. she got all sets of parents involved, lied, twisted and exaggerated situations out of proportion. Claimed tht he had forced her and she had slept with him because he had promised to marry her. Then she pulled out gifts tht he ahd given her yrs ago and said tht was proof of his commitment. She ruined the sanctity and privacy of their relationship by telling everyone everything and then saying he started it all. Her mothers equally nuts – they said he broke up because he claims she is an alcoholic and he shudnt complain becoz he too drinks – utter bull****. And unfortunately he ahd never told his frnds wht wud happen between them and in this issue he told it after she had. His own parents refused to trust him, saying he ahs responsibility towards her. And he has been forced to get back into a relationship with her for a yr and then wud review it. I think his parents might have taken this decision cause her parents threatened to really spread bad stuff abt him and go to his univ director and crap like tht. When she found out there was another girl, she hunted me down, called me up, her mom spoke to me – called me a bunch of names. I fortunately did not argue or even shout or anything. I was calm but apparentally tht infuriated them further and they got my home number somehow and called my mom and told her fake stuff. Fortunately I had warned my mom so it wasn’t tht big an issue. But stil!
Despite this decision, me and him were more or less together, altho he was meeting her 1/8th the time he wud meet me and he acted just like a frnd cum ex with ehr while we seemed like a couple - still meeting, making out occasionally. When we are together, we forget eveyrhting else. But then he started feeling guilty abt lying to his parents esp as he was forbidden to meet me. So we decided to end it. But we cudnt. We cudnt live a min without talking to each other. So now we are on this really stupid pact of being “just frnds”.

And he just does not want to take a decision. I feel that’s an utter lack of backbone and if its ur own life u r supposed to do something abt it. And she hurts him. How can u live with a person like tht? I gave him a big lec on how he shud make his own decisions and tht its fine if he doesn’t choose me in the end but he shud choose whoever he does and make the decision for all the right reasons! I feel disappointed, and I don’t know how much of this is my fault. It was his stupidity tht he was with her when he did not like her and she wud hurt him. My fault tht I got involved in the first place. And her fault tht she is plain nuts. Now she wants to prove how sweet she is and going to all lengths to prove how I am the villain.

I really like him and I really want him. I do know tht three mnths is too short a time chronologically spking and everything is always great in this period and I kno I shud give us time too..but in this whole issue its all messed up. I don’t know wht to do. I keep oscillating between hopefulness, and revenge and getting him and then just feeling sad and thinking this wil never work. I don’t kno. Wht do u’ll think?




Edited 5/9/2007 2:01 am ET by lily843
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 9:39am

No

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 11:27pm
This is a screwed up situation and you may need, eventually, to get the police involved if she doesn't leave you alone. If he actually has to think about it and try to come to a decision, then forget him. If he wants to take the abuse from her, it doesn't matter how nice he is or how close the two of you feel, he is then...no good for you. If he goes back to her of his own free will, then you are much better off without him and the drama in your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 1:29am
i know..and i keep telling myself that. that you cannot force someone and the fact tht he did is his mistake. and i have felt it too tht if he has to think and choose then maybe hes not worth it. its like i know all the answers yet i keep hoping tht they wrong and maybe thigns are diff or they will change. with me he is such a different person and when her name crops up, he jsut changes. so i keep feeling maybe away frm her it would be all different. i do tht even we do get together this situ wil always exist as an issue and nobody is going to think kindly of me. i just don kno why i keep wanting to play superman and rescue him. yet i kno i cant and its practically stupid, because just like i preach, he has to make his own decisions. when i asked him are u sure about this, i was like once i go away u cant say u want me back. it doesnt work tht way. he keeps saying he doesnt want to make a decision because he doesnt want to be the cause for ruining the friendshup between the parents. he says thts the reason hes agreeing to this pact. apparently the dads and another uncle were good frnds, but apparently the uncle fell out leaving thses dads together. now because of him, or so he feels, his dad wil lose his other frnd too. i dont kno. i cant come to terms with the fact tht i have to let go, because i do like him a lot and i have tried and its so unbelievably tough to pretend he doesnot exist. hes so perfect for me!!
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Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 11:51am
Who are you? This thread was started by lily843.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 12:41am
ohh i am the same person..i forgot to select this id!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 9:57am
I see your post below - you are the same person as lily. Okay - to respond to your statement: "i just don kno why i keep wanting to play superman and rescue him. yet i kno i cant and its practically stupid, because just like i preach, he has to make his own decisions." It is very nice that you want to help someone. However, this man and you are not married, and have not made any commitments to each other "in sickness and in health" so you, technicially, should not be foresaking yourself to rescue someone from something that he may or may not want to subject himself to --- more importantly he has not even decided if he wants to be in a relationship with you yet. His excuse of "cause for ruining the friendshup between the parents" - is lame. The parents will get over it. You feel he is perfect for you. I'm sorry, I don't see it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 10:43am

I agree - it is really foolish to willingly put yourselfinto someone else's chaos. You can't fix someone who isn't ready and willing to fix themselves. And even if they are - its not your responsibilty to do what they are able to do for themselves.

In addition, this guy lets other people dictate what he does and how he should feel. He isn't living for himself or even trying to. He is allowing himself to be a pawn inother people's game. that is a WEAK person. He isn't willing or able to make decisions for himself - he wants others to - and not making a decision IS MAKING ONE - to let another be in charge of him.

This guy has a LOT of growing up to do before he'll remotely be a good partner for anyone. He is indecisive, iinsecure and immature. What about these qualities are you attracted to? because its who he is NOW - it doesn'tmatter what he 'might' be one day - because he may never be it. He might be a nice guy - but that isn't what makes a 'perfect' relationship.

To the OP, do yourself a HUGE favor - let this one go. He is emotionally unavailable and immature and hasn't figured out what being a man means yet - it means doing what is best for yourself and others, living with integrity and self respect. He isn't close. Staying in the chaos will do one thing - rob you of your own peace of mind and self esteem.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 12:26pm
i guess...no, i KNOW you'll are right...i guess i am just refusing to see the picture clearly for some silly reason and thts not going to be good for me. i wish things cud be different but i guess this is one i have to let go...i made the exact arguments to me and somehow or the other i managed to put them behind me but its high time and hard or not, i guess its something i "have to do"!!! hehe...sounding like him now! ;-) i keep saying i am a strong person so i cant fall into a weak trap...thnks guys...ohhh i just so badly wish this wasnt wht i was supposed to do :-( oh well....thnk u
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 1:09pm
ohhh but its so hard..the concept kills me!! i kno i am going all weak..but do i have to?????????? oh and pls dont say u dont "have to" u can make ur own decisions all tht...pls...but its really so hard..sigh


Edited 5/11/2007 1:11 pm ET by lily843