its so complicated.
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| Wed, 05-09-2007 - 1:44am |
This is a long story. I am 18 yrs old and the dude I like is 22. I know him for the last three months. At tht point I was getting out a relationship tht was so not working. He has a girlfriend for the last three yrs. He was unhappy but wit her. She is also 22.
Let me first clue you’ll in abt their relationship first before going onto my prob.
Their dads have been good frnds since age 5. These two started going out at 18. But she was always psychotically jealous and possessive, and wud flare up over anything or anybody. Once he was going out to hang out with his frnds, she got nuts, called him up saying she ahd cut herself. Apparentally she had written his name on her hand with a blade. And when he rushed to her she forced him to cut himself too. In another similar situ, she said she had drank kerosene and then made him take a sip too. Once she hit him on his ear so hard, he suffers from nerve damage and cant hear too clearly with one ear. She is prone to hitting him, throwing tantrums. If ever he wud try to end the relationship, she wud threaten to commit suicide or hrut herself. And he wud end up staying with her. As the relationship went on, it became harder to call it quits as a) she ahd decided they wud get married and all one day and b) if they broke up now it wud affect the friendship between their dads and he dint want tht to happen which is why he dint do anything. But then these idiots went ahead and slept with each other. And once accidentally she got pregnant. Fortunately both the fathers are gynos, so his dad sorted stuff out. But this complicated matters further.
A yr and a half after the above incident, he met me. And we both fell for each other real bad. And its so wonderful between us two. We are so comfortable and in love, we care about each other. It doesn’t seem like we know each other only three mnths. Feels like I kno him for yrs. We are each others best frnds. Its so wonderful.
When he told me stuff abt how she wud manipulate him – and I have countless stories as proof – I told him he shud stand up for himself and a person who hits and hruts u is not a person u shud spend time with. Or so I feel. He liked me and he agreed. And he broke up with her. But then she went nuts. And she did the worlds most stupid things. she got all sets of parents involved, lied, twisted and exaggerated situations out of proportion. Claimed tht he had forced her and she had slept with him because he had promised to marry her. Then she pulled out gifts tht he ahd given her yrs ago and said tht was proof of his commitment. She ruined the sanctity and privacy of their relationship by telling everyone everything and then saying he started it all. Her mothers equally nuts – they said he broke up because he claims she is an alcoholic and he shudnt complain becoz he too drinks – utter bull****. And unfortunately he ahd never told his frnds wht wud happen between them and in this issue he told it after she had. His own parents refused to trust him, saying he ahs responsibility towards her. And he has been forced to get back into a relationship with her for a yr and then wud review it. I think his parents might have taken this decision cause her parents threatened to really spread bad stuff abt him and go to his univ director and crap like tht. When she found out there was another girl, she hunted me down, called me up, her mom spoke to me – called me a bunch of names. I fortunately did not argue or even shout or anything. I was calm but apparentally tht infuriated them further and they got my home number somehow and called my mom and told her fake stuff. Fortunately I had warned my mom so it wasn’t tht big an issue. But stil!
Despite this decision, me and him were more or less together, altho he was meeting her 1/8th the time he wud meet me and he acted just like a frnd cum ex with ehr while we seemed like a couple - still meeting, making out occasionally. When we are together, we forget eveyrhting else. But then he started feeling guilty abt lying to his parents esp as he was forbidden to meet me. So we decided to end it. But we cudnt. We cudnt live a min without talking to each other. So now we are on this really stupid pact of being “just frnds”.
And he just does not want to take a decision. I feel that’s an utter lack of backbone and if its ur own life u r supposed to do something abt it. And she hurts him. How can u live with a person like tht? I gave him a big lec on how he shud make his own decisions and tht its fine if he doesn’t choose me in the end but he shud choose whoever he does and make the decision for all the right reasons! I feel disappointed, and I don’t know how much of this is my fault. It was his stupidity tht he was with her when he did not like her and she wud hurt him. My fault tht I got involved in the first place. And her fault tht she is plain nuts. Now she wants to prove how sweet she is and going to all lengths to prove how I am the villain.
I really like him and I really want him. I do know tht three mnths is too short a time chronologically spking and everything is always great in this period and I kno I shud give us time too..but in this whole issue its all messed up. I don’t know wht to do. I keep oscillating between hopefulness, and revenge and getting him and then just feeling sad and thinking this wil never work. I don’t kno. Wht do u’ll think?
Edited 5/9/2007 2:01 am ET by lily843

No
I agree - it is really foolish to willingly put yourselfinto someone else's chaos. You can't fix someone who isn't ready and willing to fix themselves. And even if they are - its not your responsibilty to do what they are able to do for themselves.
In addition, this guy lets other people dictate what he does and how he should feel. He isn't living for himself or even trying to. He is allowing himself to be a pawn inother people's game. that is a WEAK person. He isn't willing or able to make decisions for himself - he wants others to - and not making a decision IS MAKING ONE - to let another be in charge of him.
This guy has a LOT of growing up to do before he'll remotely be a good partner for anyone. He is indecisive, iinsecure and immature. What about these qualities are you attracted to? because its who he is NOW - it doesn'tmatter what he 'might' be one day - because he may never be it. He might be a nice guy - but that isn't what makes a 'perfect' relationship.
To the OP, do yourself a HUGE favor - let this one go. He is emotionally unavailable and immature and hasn't figured out what being a man means yet - it means doing what is best for yourself and others, living with integrity and self respect. He isn't close. Staying in the chaos will do one thing - rob you of your own peace of mind and self esteem.
Toni
Edited 5/11/2007 1:11 pm ET by lily843