I've reached my dating limit... (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
I've reached my dating limit... (long)
5
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 6:04pm
Dating has become completely unbearable to me. I’ve been dating through on-line dating services for the past couple of years – I’ve had soo many first dates it’s hard to remember them all – let’s say at least 20. I’ve been trying to stay positive – because after all, only one has to be successful, right? But, I think I’ve hit my limit. I had a completely terrible experience with the last one – after a couple of weeks of e-mailing we had a first day. Between the Sunday of the date and the following Thursday, I had received about 20ish e-mails from him. I finally told him I was feeling overwhelmed and didn’t want to make plans to meet that weekend and he completely freaked out on me, he sent me 7 e-mails that were a slow progression into looney-land, ending up by calling me crazy. Needless to say, I didn’t respond (though I’d have liked to say many things, I knew better) and blocked him from contacting me further.

Grant it, that’s an unusual circumstance, but it feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m tired of dating! I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I can’t stomach another first date with a man I barely know. And I can’t imagine there’s no one out there I can click with. Of course, this all leads to ‘what is it about me’ thoughts. I try not to go there, I really think I’m basically o.k. – although I feel like with each failed try I’m gathering my and more ‘baggage.’

I just turned 40 in April, I’ve been married and my husband passed away in 1996 – I’m ready to date, but I’m starting to think on-line dating is not, not, not, the way to go. Maybe it’s my age group. At this point, many of us seem to have had experiences that have left scares and fears we haven’t worked through, yet. I have had several dates where the guys couldn’t stop belittling their ex-wives. O.k. – that’s fine not to like her, but don’t show me a picture of where I could end up if I were to marry you - - bitter, angry men.

It also seems like there’s a detachedness I’ve been experiencing – where the date is just going through the motions, no real expectations (maybe that’s a place I’ve gotten to). Anyway, I’m frustrated trying to thoughtfully share and answer questions for each of the guys who contact me, just to have it end up leading nowhere. Seems like an awful waste of time. Not to mention….. why do so many of these guys treat me like I’m helpless and ignorant. I suspect there must be a large number of recently divorced men – who are use to women who didn’t think, have opinions or make their own decisions. It’s totally weird.

Well, reading back on my post, I seem to be a little bitter. (ha-ha, do ya’ think??) Maybe I should just take a break – and focus on something else for a while.

I’m so sorry to ramble and if anyone has actually read this whole thing – thanks for listening!! If anyone has any advice, I’m all ears.

Best to you all!! -j

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:13pm
I think maybe you have to get at this through the back door...don't think of it as looking for a boyfriend, but get out there to make friends...join groups, take classes, post for activity partners...the bottom line, I think, is that it's a number's game. When you mentioned like 20 dates, I thought that was very low. Maybe it's better if you live in a big cosmopolitan area? I met my SO at 37 online. It's been great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:03pm
Hi Jes,

Im sorry. I can so relate to what you are going through. Eventhough Ive never been married and am 20 years younger, I understand your feelings. Its fustrating.

Try being in your 20s; having family/friends putting pressure to find someone! its hard. Then aadd complications of today's world. Eek. Tough.

Just remember the best person in your life is you. Always. When I remember this, I tend to get over my dating qualms and remember that dating should only be 20% of my life.. meaning it shouldnt take over or consume my thoughts/emotions.

Once you practice this, it gets easier.

Online dating. Its good and bad. Its like any other dating world but wiht a twist. You get looneys like you did. But you have to weed out the unfit people, just like meeting ppl in bars/clubs/grocery stores, etc.

Take a break. This is what i do. Take a break for a few weeks, months, whatever. Then go back to dating when you are feeling more positive. If we date while we're feeling a little low w/ dating we tend to attract more of the loser type. Alike attract alike :)

Hang in there. I'm totally there withyou!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:33pm
I've had TONS of on line dating experience. I'm in my 40s, divorced. Don't give up on online dating. Just take it for what it is.

First of all, the nut-case you recently went out with was just that: a nut case. Please realize he is emotionally ill. There are lots of healthy guys out there.

Secondly, "I've have had several dates where the guys couldn’t stop belittling their ex-wives. O.k. – that’s fine not to like her, but don’t show me a picture of where I could end up if I were to marry you - - bitter, angry men." I repeat - there are lots of healthy guys out there. Don't let the fact that you've had a string of negative guys unduly influence you.

Third, "It also seems like there’s a detachedness I’ve been experiencing – where the date is just going through the motions, no real expectations (maybe that’s a place I’ve gotten to)." Let me talk about dating a bit here and the subtle -- yet very real -- way it has changed, especially for those our age, and especially because of "online dating".

You are right about the detachedness. If you think about it, though, it's not just online dating that causes it. It's dating in general among people who are 40+. Most of us have been through the dating ringer already. Most of us have kids to raise, mortgages to pay, jobs to do..... so we only have so much energy left over to date. That's the reality.

Online dating gives the **illusion** that there are literally dozens of attractive available singles out there.... just waiting to meet YOU!! The reality is, that online dating promotes - and facilitates -- "dating for fun", "casual dating" and "dating for free". In other words, the effort, the energy, the attention people used to give to dating.... now has been replaced by a casual, laid back, a "what's in it for me?" attitude..... and this attitude has been greatly expanded because of on-line dating.

I mean, if last weekend's date isn't perfect, you can always find another one, right? There's always somebody else out there. If not now, by the end of next week, you know?

So don't get discouraged with on-line dating. It IS a good way to meet men. But start paying much more attention to a man's general attitude. Trust your instincts. Start listening for negative attitudes. My guess is you've been too liberal and not judgmental enough. When a guy sound even a bit negative, chances are very good he is quite negative. After all, he should be trying to sound nice in the initial stages. Get a sense of his personality and his attitude before you pick up the phone and talk to him, or before you agree to meet him. You will start eliminating, naturally, the men who are whiners and complainers.

Good luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 5:41pm
Sorry you are experiencing such frustration. I think at this point maybe you should take a break from dating. No matter how great an actress you are, I think your frustration will come through in a negative vibe. I actually met my husband through match.com so it IS possible for online dating to work out. Just a question though: What's your usual timeframe/mode of operandi when you use an online dating site? I found through experience it was best not to email, IM or phone for an extended period of time with anyone before meeting them in person. I learned through trial and error, but by the time I met my husband I was only using the site to connect with people, email briefly to exchange the most fundamental facts about each other, then meet and get to know one another totally in person. I found that any sort of "getting to know you" online or through lengthy phone conversations ultimately led to frustration and disappointment when meeting in person. Any connection you feel before meeting someone in person is suspect, IMO. Just my 2¢. Good luck and best wishes to you. My husband was 40 when we met and I was 38. We're really happy together and very well-suited, so don't give up hope! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 6:55pm

Hello jesmoii, welcome to the board!


It can be easy to become discouraged. But, think of it this way... it isn't really online dating it is online meeting... it is a way of meeting people who you may not have otherwise met (and, in some cases, of meeting some you wish you had never met!).


You know, it's like reading an ad tacked to a bulletin board... only the basics are there... you still have to investigate and decide for yourself what is right for you.


I will admit that the last date you had was certainly one to be concerned about... but, don't take it personally. It sounds from your description that this man certainly has issues. Not the least of which is a very angry, controlling personality.


Take a break... turn around three times, take a deep breath and click your heels together (you may wind up in Kansas tho...) then try again. Giving it up isn't the answer, regrouping is.


Besides, you are young... there is time to take a breather and then try again feeling refreshed...


tg

Terry Owens