I've reached my dating limit... (long)
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| Tue, 04-27-2004 - 6:04pm |
Grant it, that’s an unusual circumstance, but it feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m tired of dating! I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I can’t stomach another first date with a man I barely know. And I can’t imagine there’s no one out there I can click with. Of course, this all leads to ‘what is it about me’ thoughts. I try not to go there, I really think I’m basically o.k. – although I feel like with each failed try I’m gathering my and more ‘baggage.’
I just turned 40 in April, I’ve been married and my husband passed away in 1996 – I’m ready to date, but I’m starting to think on-line dating is not, not, not, the way to go. Maybe it’s my age group. At this point, many of us seem to have had experiences that have left scares and fears we haven’t worked through, yet. I have had several dates where the guys couldn’t stop belittling their ex-wives. O.k. – that’s fine not to like her, but don’t show me a picture of where I could end up if I were to marry you - - bitter, angry men.
It also seems like there’s a detachedness I’ve been experiencing – where the date is just going through the motions, no real expectations (maybe that’s a place I’ve gotten to). Anyway, I’m frustrated trying to thoughtfully share and answer questions for each of the guys who contact me, just to have it end up leading nowhere. Seems like an awful waste of time. Not to mention….. why do so many of these guys treat me like I’m helpless and ignorant. I suspect there must be a large number of recently divorced men – who are use to women who didn’t think, have opinions or make their own decisions. It’s totally weird.
Well, reading back on my post, I seem to be a little bitter. (ha-ha, do ya’ think??) Maybe I should just take a break – and focus on something else for a while.
I’m so sorry to ramble and if anyone has actually read this whole thing – thanks for listening!! If anyone has any advice, I’m all ears.
Best to you all!! -j

Im sorry. I can so relate to what you are going through. Eventhough Ive never been married and am 20 years younger, I understand your feelings. Its fustrating.
Try being in your 20s; having family/friends putting pressure to find someone! its hard. Then aadd complications of today's world. Eek. Tough.
Just remember the best person in your life is you. Always. When I remember this, I tend to get over my dating qualms and remember that dating should only be 20% of my life.. meaning it shouldnt take over or consume my thoughts/emotions.
Once you practice this, it gets easier.
Online dating. Its good and bad. Its like any other dating world but wiht a twist. You get looneys like you did. But you have to weed out the unfit people, just like meeting ppl in bars/clubs/grocery stores, etc.
Take a break. This is what i do. Take a break for a few weeks, months, whatever. Then go back to dating when you are feeling more positive. If we date while we're feeling a little low w/ dating we tend to attract more of the loser type. Alike attract alike :)
Hang in there. I'm totally there withyou!
First of all, the nut-case you recently went out with was just that: a nut case. Please realize he is emotionally ill. There are lots of healthy guys out there.
Secondly, "I've have had several dates where the guys couldn’t stop belittling their ex-wives. O.k. – that’s fine not to like her, but don’t show me a picture of where I could end up if I were to marry you - - bitter, angry men." I repeat - there are lots of healthy guys out there. Don't let the fact that you've had a string of negative guys unduly influence you.
Third, "It also seems like there’s a detachedness I’ve been experiencing – where the date is just going through the motions, no real expectations (maybe that’s a place I’ve gotten to)." Let me talk about dating a bit here and the subtle -- yet very real -- way it has changed, especially for those our age, and especially because of "online dating".
You are right about the detachedness. If you think about it, though, it's not just online dating that causes it. It's dating in general among people who are 40+. Most of us have been through the dating ringer already. Most of us have kids to raise, mortgages to pay, jobs to do..... so we only have so much energy left over to date. That's the reality.
Online dating gives the **illusion** that there are literally dozens of attractive available singles out there.... just waiting to meet YOU!! The reality is, that online dating promotes - and facilitates -- "dating for fun", "casual dating" and "dating for free". In other words, the effort, the energy, the attention people used to give to dating.... now has been replaced by a casual, laid back, a "what's in it for me?" attitude..... and this attitude has been greatly expanded because of on-line dating.
I mean, if last weekend's date isn't perfect, you can always find another one, right? There's always somebody else out there. If not now, by the end of next week, you know?
So don't get discouraged with on-line dating. It IS a good way to meet men. But start paying much more attention to a man's general attitude. Trust your instincts. Start listening for negative attitudes. My guess is you've been too liberal and not judgmental enough. When a guy sound even a bit negative, chances are very good he is quite negative. After all, he should be trying to sound nice in the initial stages. Get a sense of his personality and his attitude before you pick up the phone and talk to him, or before you agree to meet him. You will start eliminating, naturally, the men who are whiners and complainers.
Good luck.
Hello jesmoii, welcome to the board!
It can be easy to become discouraged. But, think of it this way... it isn't really online dating it is online meeting... it is a way of meeting people who you may not have otherwise met (and, in some cases, of meeting some you wish you had never met!).
You know, it's like reading an ad tacked to a bulletin board... only the basics are there... you still have to investigate and decide for yourself what is right for you.
I will admit that the last date you had was certainly one to be concerned about... but, don't take it personally. It sounds from your description that this man certainly has issues. Not the least of which is a very angry, controlling personality.
Take a break... turn around three times, take a deep breath and click your heels together (you may wind up in Kansas tho...) then try again. Giving it up isn't the answer, regrouping is.
Besides, you are young... there is time to take a breather and then try again feeling refreshed...
tg