Jealous of His EX

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Jealous of His EX
9
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:07pm
Hi,

I've been dating a guy for almost 1 year exactly. Things have been great between us. Only I have a problem that has been bothering me. Before my bf and I started dating he dated a girl for 3 years. They met in College and he moved away b/c he took a job out of the state that they went to school in. They tried the long distance thing for a while, but were unsucessful and broke up because of it. He has told me some things about her and their relationship together. At one point he thought she was the one for him and he was even going to proprose to her. Things between them ended ok. And according to him they have stayed friends. "no hard feelings" is what he tells me. Over the past year while we have been dating, she has called once at 2am. And he has told me that she e-mails him from time to time. And he tells me that he does e-mail her back sometimes.

I will admit that I snooped through his stuff and found an old shoe box of memories of there relationship. Everything from movie tickets, b-day cards and even naked pics. I felt sick to my stomach. I know I shouldn't have done that, but I did. They seemed so happy.

He tells me that he loves me very much and that he has no feelings for her. I've talked to him about the e-mails and said that i feel uncomfortable about it. I don't understand why he doesn't just say to her nicely that he can no longer keep in touch with her b/c he now has a new serious gf and let it go. He tells me that he doesn't want to be mean to her. He doesn't know that I have snopped. But I'm dying to please ask him to through away all that stuff he still has of her.

Why do men keep those things around?

He did tell me that, if him and I broke up at any point and he was feeling depresed about it that he would prob. call her up and drive to PA for a quikie weekend, if you know what I mean.

I'm scared that he is going to leave me someday to be with her again.

By the way she is single right now too.

She made sure to e-mail him and let him know. and he told me about it.

Is it wrong of me to ask him to please end the "friendly" e-mails or else?

How do I ask him to through away the memory box without letting him know that I snooped?

Please advise thanks.

JOJO

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
In reply to: ijojo79
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 2:06pm
Ok, I have some questions for you. Why do you feel that you don't mean as much to your boyfriend as his ex does/did? Are you are good girlfriend? Why don't you trust him? Has he given you any reason to think he isn't a trustworthy guy?

I don't think you should have snooped in his box. He kept those things because they are part of his past. I still have pictures and letters from my old boyfriends. I will never throw those away because at the time that person was very important to me. I would never get back together with any of my exs but that doesn't mean I have to destroy all evidence of there existence in my life. You mean to tell me you have never kept anything from your exs?

It was insensitive of your boyfriend to tell you that if you guys broke up he was run of to PA... So what if this girl is single and they email back and forth. If they really wanted to be together that badly then they would be.

I don't think you have to worry about him leaving you for her. It might sound harsh but if that did happen then he wasn't worth your time. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason. Sometimes in life we date really great guys who just aren't right for us at the time. Timing is important. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I don't know you but, I'm sure you are a good person who deserves to have a loving relationship. Start believing in yourself and don't be so afraid to get hurt. Getting hurt is always a possibility but as they say "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: ijojo79
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 2:31pm
Don't even THINK of going there. If an SO asked me to throw away memories of my LIFE (and that's how I look on them, not memories of a particular r'ship), he's wouldn't be my SO for long.

I would also not be inclined to continue dating someone who told me I couldn't keep in touch once in a while with exes I'm friendly with.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: ijojo79
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:31pm

Hello jojo!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
In reply to: ijojo79
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:41pm
Hi, I agree with the others. You don't have a right to ask him to throw away his box of memories of his life. And if my boyfriend asked me to throw away my memories, I would (1) not do it and (2) seriously consider leaving him because he obviously did not trust and respect me like he should... indeed, like he must if I am to share a life with him.

As a side note, I did just throw away several boxes of memories of my past boyfriends because I have a new boyfriend and I wanted a clean slate. But it was because *I* wanted to, and my boyfriend never even knew I had these boxes. But I don't think it indicates how your boyfriend feels about you at all, the fact that he hasn't thrown his boxes away. I keep very few momentos of past moments -- of anything, not just of love relationships -- other people like to have documentation of every event in their life.

You also cannot tell him he is not allowed to email her. He is an adult, and he and he alone can choose what he can and can't do. But, you can have a calm discussion with him about how those emails make you feel and the fears you have. Then, look and see how he handles your concerns. Then, you can evaluate whether he has given enough care to your needs and whether you want to stay with him.

I admit I would be bothered by his comment to you about spending a weekend with her if things went wrong. That should raise a flag for you to be more aware of your relationship with him. But again the solution isn't to tell him what he can/can't do.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
In reply to: ijojo79
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:25pm
Well thanks for all the insight from everyone. This is the first time I have ever posted on here. I agree with all said from everyone. I never really looked at it as asking him to throw away memories of his past. And I guess that is wrong. I will not even bring it up. I have already calmly expressed how I feel about the e-mails and he has said that he will not be mean to someone and if she e-mails a friendly e-mail he is going to respond. I guess since he DOES tell me about them I should not really worry because he is not hiding anything then.

I guess I'm just a jealous person and nervous to get hurt again. My last relationship of 3 years ended so badly because my last bf cheated on me for 4 months before I found out. I've been very scared that someone will do that again to me. And it is hard for me to believe people now when they tell me things. I want so badly to beleive them, but there is always this little voice in my head that always says "What if this person is lying to me?"

I guess I have to just get over it and except it for now. And hopefully like sadelle he will want to get rid of those things on his own when HE (not me) decides its time to start over.

By the way I love that qoute "Its better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all" Its one of my favs. I have absolutely loved and lost before and I am not ready to have that happen again!

Thanks again.

JOJO

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: ijojo79
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:52pm
Well Jojo, we certainly hope that this won't be the last time you post here... you are certainly welcome any and all the time...

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
In reply to: ijojo79
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 5:24pm

....BTW, hon, I have photo albums and old cards from my ex-husband and old boyfriends too.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: ijojo79
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:59pm
I totally agree with everything that has been posted in regards to this topic. I am in a similar situation. My bf and I have been dating about 6 months now. There is this girl that he is friends with - they talk quite a bit and see each other every now and then. We have talked about her considerably - I have expressed how I don't trust her (bad history between her and I) and how it makes me feel uncomfortable.

He tells me some things about them - when they talk and such. We had gone out of town to a concert a few weeks back and she ended up calling him. He told me that "I was right". When I asked him what he meant by that, he said that she had told him that she still had feelings for him. He told me that he explained to her that he was with me and that there was nothing between them but friendship. That was what I needed to hear - I know he's in this for me.

I did the same thing - snoop, except I did it on his cell phone. I know that there is no excuse, but basically I was curious. Thought it was odd when he deletes all of his call history right after the call - I don't know anyone else that does this - made me think he had something to hide. I found out that he had talked with her 3x in 4 days - more than we ever talked. It kind of got to me, but I couldn't say anything because then he would have known that I had snooped. So, what I did was talk to him to see if we could talk more. We both agreed to try (hard with schedules and all), but it made me feel better.

What bugs me the most about her is that before we got together, they had been trying to get together - he liked her- but she kept blowing him off. Now that we are dating, she always tries to do something - spreading rumors, etc. I basically had this "realization" the other day when thinking about the situation, which is similar to what someone else had said.

He is with me. If he wanted to be with her, he would be - but for some reason he is not. No matter what that reason is. In my situation, he has had every opportunity to be with her if he really wanted to. I also believe that things happen for a reason. If we are meant to be together - we will be. If not (which may not be because of her - may be for another reason), we won't be. We have discussed the situation and I have expressed my feelings about her (why I don't like her towards him). I have told him what bugs me - when he dances with her and such. Of course, he tries to defend himself (and her) which I expect, but then I explain further. I will not tell him what to do - not be friends with her, not talk to her - but then don't expect me not to get mad/frustrated when I see it, because he knows how I feel about it.

Basically, you need to trust yourself and trust him. Trust is a very hard thing - just as much as jealousy is not to have. It doesn't sound like there is any reason for you to worry - I found this out the hard way. Just trust yourself and your instincts - and you will be fine. It all takes time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: ijojo79
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 3:15pm
Kind of off the subject, but I'm glad to hear from you ladies who still have pics & stuff of exes. I have been wondering what I will do with all the pics I have of me & my ex and if it was appropriate to keep them, or if keeping them meant I was still "holding on". I have decided I will make a little "DJ Box" lol.

Getting back to the matter at hand...I think I'd be hurt if I saw a bf's "evidence" of past relationships, but I would never ask him to throw them out - I'd think, "Gee it's my own fault for asking questions I didn't really want to know the answers to." I think you learned the hard way that snooping isn't worth it. All it's done is make you upset. The only thing you can do is try to forget about it. Don't tell him you snooped whatever you do - chances are he'll be FURIOUS.

Also, please realize this: if he thinks you don't trust him and you're constantly giving him indications that you're insecure in your relationship, it might make him reconsider whether or not he wants to be with you. In other words, your fears could ultimately end up destroying your relationship.

So please try to put the images of his naked ex-gf out of your mind and remember that you're the one he's with now. Enjoy him and think of how lucky you are to have "gotten" him.

And don't ask him so much about her - by doing that, you're putting her in his mind. You're CAUSING him to think about her. Just be the best girlfriend you can be and he'll have no reason to think of her (at least not that way).

There is a reason that their relationship did not work out. Remember that, too. Keep your chin up. Good luck! :)