Jealous of his women friend because....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Jealous of his women friend because....
3
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:01pm
Dear Readers,

I'm hoping for some unbiased, outside input, so here it goes....

I just started dating a guy who's wonderful. On our first date he told me about a women who he goes rock climbing with. "We're just friends." No biggy. Friends of the opposite sex I can tolerate. Later he tells me that they have lunch together every week. They go rock climbing together every week. They go work out at the gym every week. And more recently he's told me that they've been best friends for two years now, and that they also travel together. Granted, he's been honest with me about this. During dinner I asked him, "So, why aren't you together with this gal who you go rock climbing with? Is it just that you're not attracted to her?" He responded with, "Oh no...that's not it at all. I just don't think that she's interested in me." She supposedly has a boyfriend in CA (we live in Oregon), so I then said, "Does her boyfriend know that you guys spend so much time together?" He said, "You know, I'm not sure whether he knows or not."



I later admitted that this bothered me. Let's face it. It's like she's his girlfriend, even though he says that he's not been intimate with her. So I explained how I was feeling. Suddenly his story changes a bit. "Trina, you're mistaken. Our friendship isn't like that. I'm not attracted to her in that way, and her boyfriend knows about me." Huh? Gee, doesn't that sound a bit different from what he said the first time? When he realized I was bothered by it, his story changed and he down played it, totally contradicting what he'd first said...when I think he was being more honest.

Is it just me, or does it seem a bit odd to expect me, an old fashioned person, to accept this? Again, having friends of the opposite sex, sure. But best friends that he does everything under the sun on a weekly basis with? And he acts like he'd want a very serious relationship with me if it worked out. Making it clear to me upfront that she's his quote "best friend" tells me (or any other intelligent individual) that I must be prepared to accept it. Right?

How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Any comments would be greatly appreciated! =)

Thanks.

T~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:19pm
I would feel the way you do. But you "just started dating him" so it's too soon to stress out about it. Only time will tell if this is a deal breaker for you or not. You'll have to wait to see how your relationship with him develops and if it changes the way he prioritizes his time and his life. If you turn out to be IT for him he may start spending more time with you and less with her. You may become his best friend. Who knows? But it's too soon to be expecting anything like that from him (in fact, don't expect it at all b/c it may not ever happen even if he does think you're IT).

As far as him saying he'd want things to be serious with you if things work out, well, duh! You can pretty much say that to every person you date in the beginning, can't you? In other words, he's looking for something serious with the right person. Whether or not you're that person is an unknown this early on (that's what the "if things work out" means). Time will tell if that's the case or not.

If I were you, I wouldn't put all my eggs into this basket at this time. Keep getting to know him as you date others or at least as you continue your search. I think as time goes on it will be easier for you to decide what to do. Just don't settle. If you find as time goes on that you are unhappy more than you are happy, upset more than you are content, and disappointed more than you are satisfied, then you'll know it's not a right fit for you. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 5:22pm
hhmm. I can understand how you feel, but that girl, I have been her many many times. My best freind for 5 years was with a girl who was threatened by the closeness of our relationship. She forbade him to see me. My BEST friend and he wasnt even allowed to invite me to their wedding. A year later he called me... she left town and he had to sneak in a phone call becuase he wasnt allowed to talk to me.

Now, I have a great freind, lets call him A. He and I get along fabulously, and weve been close for 2 years. We have never been anything more than friends, and we never will be. I have seen him though heartbreaks and he as seen me though breakdowns and break throughs. But 8 months ago he started seeing someone. Someone who doesnt understand the nature of our friendship, and again, wont let him see me. We speak on the phone once in awhile, but only when she is in the room. I have wanted to meet here, and spend time with her, so that she knows me and doesnt feel threatened.

I would try to see it from their perspective, and maybe agree to meet her, or ask if you can rock climb WITH them, or go hand out WITH them.. travelling together, I could see as an extreme, I woudlnt feel right about that either, but if he wants you to trust him he should make it into a group thing, invite more people, and invite you, especially.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 8:51am
I was in a situation like this before my boyfriend right now. I dated a guy only for a month, and he had a few female friends. He would have coffee w/ them, go to the beach with "a friend". Then I asked and he told me he remained friends w/ most of his exs. It bothered me and I told him how I felt. It wasn't the reason we broke up.

You need to see how your relationship goes. It's too soon for you to say "I don't want you hanging w/ her as much!" as time goes the two of you will naturally start hanging out more, and hopefully less w/ her. If not then you need to see how you feel and if you can handle it. Good Luck!