is this jealousy or do i hv a reason???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
is this jealousy or do i hv a reason???
9
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:16pm


dear friends,

i am in SUCH turmoil right now, regarding what happened last night at a get-together....

my mind's spinning from too much thinking. i need to know what you all think, so i can lay some of my doubts to rest.

me and my bf of 2 years went to this get-together. we met this girl(let's call her G) who is just an acquaintence of mine, and have met only twice before. a moment in time came, when she put her hands on my bf's arm and whispered something in his ear, their bodies touching sideways. i was shocked! altho it seemed innocent to everybody i m sure, i was SO Upset! From that point on, i couldn't concentrate on anything else, my mood went down from a hi to an extreme low.

the hard part to digest has been that my Bf NEVER told me that they were friends! he had barely mentioned her name only once to me. But had never told me they were so close!

A bomb went off inside of my head, and altho i was really calm n collected outside, i was raging inside. i surprised myself, when i especially CALLED her name out loud, told her to come sit "next to my boyfriend"..! ofcourse i was being sarcastic, but i dont think she got it. she happily came and sat down next to my bf. The way she sat ticked me off as well. She turned her body completely towards him(as opposed to facing the table), there faces literally inches away from each other. They got busy talking! By this time, i was so upset, that i couldn't stay there one minute longer. i took my bag, and walked out of the building. it was a split second decision.

when my bf came behind me, (i knew he knew what the matter was), and we talked for a couple of minutes, the only thing he said was "i didn't do anything!".

This girl, G, has a boyfriend. Dont you all think she should have maintained a distance from my guy, knowing very well, i am his gf and am standing/sitting right next to him?

What made me even more mad, was a sentence from her to ME(about him)...she said something like "he is trying to ignore me".... the color of my face changed, and my bf didnt say a word. what does that MEAN pals? i am pretty sure it means that my bf was trying to act a lil distant from her just becoz i was around, and that girl couldnt understand it, coz she thot they were closer.

i am sure i am jealous guys. this girl is pretty. but at the same time, i am livid that my guy did not inform me about his friendship with this girl! And the most important reason is, my bf does not allow just ANY girl into his space, he is much too reserved when it comes to girls. He says he doesnt like most of the girls. i had never been confronted before with a situation where he is allowing a girl to come close to him like that. he never resisted her closeness.

G, could also be a conniving girl, trying to tear us apart. i had seen her eyeing us(me and him) all the time.

i know there's something going on..between the 2 of them. at one point, the way my bf looked at her, and she looked at him, and they both smiled, my heart hurt so much that i couldnt stand it.

i am just not used to my guy being this way with girls.

plus, his white lies (of not telling me when he meets girls just to protect my feelings) is upsetting me too. my guy is very much capable of NOT telling me everything that's going on.

i am in pain...i dont know if i overreacted.

G was trying to be too candy-sweet to my guy, and i feel she is a lil bit immature. any guy might slip if a girl tries to be that way too, isnt it.

i feel like i wanna call her and talk to her (i'll be nice) and tell her that some of her actions towards my guy have made me uncomfortable, and hopefully she will be more sensitive about them in the future. should i do this??

thank u people.............

please tell me what you all think.

i'll be waiting..

thank you again...




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:28pm
How long have they been friends? How did they meet? How close of friends are they? Do you know the answers to these questions or did you just over react and not ask? You should ask him and assess whether you think he is being truthful. Do you trust him? Do you have any reason not to trust him? Did you tell him you saw a look between the two of them that seemed to be more than just friends? What did he say to that?

Your question as to if you have a reason to be jealous is a good one. Your boyfriend should answer that for you, if he is being honest and you can trust him, listen to his answer to resolve this for you. If you have a reason to be jealous, maybe he wants to be with her and is ready to end the relationship? If this is the case, only he can tell you and you have no choice but to accept it. If he has no interest in her, then you have no reason to be jealous, so you should talk through your feelings with your boyfriend when you are calm and he is ready to listen.

I would not call her. Fidelity and trust issues in your relationship are between your and your boyfriend. Her future behavior has nothing to do with your relationship and she would have no reason to listen to you about your jealous feelings.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 3:14pm
thanks for ur reply, firstamendment....

this girl came to the university just this semester...2 months ago.

i dont know how many times they have met, becoz i wouldnt know until and unless he tells me himself, on a daily basis, who has met and spoken to. how can i guess otherwise?

i thought she was one amongst other girls, and so i had no reason to ask him anything. until yesterday. now i have a reason to ask him many questions.

he never once told me they r getting close. that's why it sprung to me as a surprise. i was unprepared for it.

i have no reason to distrust my bf, but at the same time, i know the human heart "can" be pretty vulnerable to people they might get attracted to. who's to say he just likes her, cares for her, is attracted to her, or has started developing feelings for her? i wouldnt know coz these things are all inside the heart and mind. why would he share it with me..(even tho i would like him to). he doesnt share these things with me. that's what makes me have that element of distrust. coz he doesn't share.

i am sure he has a reason to like her, even tho he wouldn't tell me openly. the problem is, he doesnt tell me, for fear that i'll misunderstand him or stop trusting him with girls. but isn't honesty above everything else, regardless of how the truth is taken?

my bf hasnt called me since last night, and i havent either.

i m sure, he thinks i should take the initiative to say 'sorry'(for being jealous)(becoz that's what he thinks i am) and i think, he should be the one to come to me, and be with me, and say sorry himself, for the situation, and console me.

i don't know....

i know we need to talk, provided he is ready to listen.






iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 3:26pm
If he hasn't told you anything, then are you just assuming they are close? What if her advances were unwanted, and he does not have any feelings for her, but was just being polite and such, then you blew up and stormed out.... if that is the case then perhpas you are over reacting. But we don't know if that is the case, we don't know if he has feelings for her because you don't ask and he won't tell. Well, that doesn't bode well for your relationship. It seems like there might need to be some growing up on both your parts before you can truly have a healthy relationship (with honesty, open communication and trust) that will last.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 4:25pm
I think you need a reality check - your bf is allowed to be friends with whoever he wants and this has nothing to do with this woman - she might have acted in a tacky way or insensitive but the only issue here is whether you trust your bf - if you do, she could whisper all she wants and rub up against him and it would mean nothing to him and he would tell her to stop or get some space from her - he is allowed to talk to women, to harmlessly flirt with them if he wants to, and to have friendships that you know nothing about - you are not his prison warden or his mother. Calling this woman will make you look like psycho chick - she will call him and tell him and he will think you're terribly insecure and out of line. She cannot cause any breakup unless he wants to end things with you - you are focusing on the wrong person here and that is dangerous and lying to yourself.

do you trust your bf? if so, you will understand that he has a life apart from the relationship, has friends and acquaintances of both sexes - and he need not tell you anything about that so long as he is only romantically involved with you - no one likes to be controlled. Please drop this for now and next time you have to be around this woman just go with the flow - but if you don't trust your bf, stop dating him because if you don't you can't let him out of your sight for a minute - and what kind of life would that be for you and he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 8:03pm
Your jealousy, drama and upset has likely raised a huge red flag in your boyfriend. He's likely wondering if you are even capable of having an adult relationship based on your actions. Your are reading so much in to this and are over-reacting beyond any acceptable standard.

What exactly do you expect from your boyfriend?

My 18 year old high school daughter acts more maturely than you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 10:34pm


what do i want from him...

i just want some honesty, that's all. he should be able to tell me if he "likes" someone and "wants" to be friends with her, instaed of keeping it inside just so i wouldn't misunderstand him. i know i dont control him at all, but at the same time, it's only natural to know about his friends. infact, he shd tell me himself, without my asking him.

maybe, for some, that might be expecting too much from a guy. but that's how it is with me. coz i tell him everything. when i start a friendship with somebody(esp. a guy), i "make it a point" to let him know, becoz i dont want him to be surprised later. that's only courtesy, and normal sharing that shd come naturally isn't it.

"maybe" i over-reacted, but i had a reason, and i dont really regret it. maybe, it did cause a stir in that girl too, and she would be more careful in the future! same goes for my bf.

he has full freedom to make friends, but the least i wanted him to do was to make some space between him and her, which he didn't. only then will i know that he has boundaries he adheres to.

and an update: this afternoon, i saw pictures from yesterday...(my bf was the photographer for the event)and in "dance" pictures, she is the 'only' girl that has been focussed on (right in the center of the picture, with everyone else blurry) properly.

now what am i supposed to think? over-reaction? maybe not?

i don't know yet, & he hasnt called me yet.

i'll go with the flow when i see that girl next, but certainly, i wouldnt be able to smile at her.

if she has "any sense", she will be more reserved the next time we all r together. atleast she better not TOUCH him!

coz.












iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 7:44am
I totally agree with deena.

And I think you should stop the immature, "who should call" game...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 7:50am
Again you are focusing on the wrong person. You write "if she has any sense", instead of talking to your boyfriend, finding out the answers you want, you are suggesting that if she comes near your boyfriend again, you'll be laying her out...that is way immature because she has no relationship with you, if your boyfriend does anything with this girl it is HE who would be betraying you. You are doing what most young girls do, lay the blame on the other girl when its really your boyfriend in the wrong. This girl may not even like your boyfriend in an romantic sense, she may just be a close talker, she may just be friendly and because your so blind with jealousy your making her out to be some tramp throwing her stuff all around campus. So your boyfriend focused pictures on her, and its her fault.

Come on...you really need to grow up, you are acting extremely petty and immature.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 1:36pm
She did get too close and friendly, but she didn't get your boyfriend. He came to you and, "I didn't do anything."

Listen to what your guy is saying to you.

The girl is off limits or very ignorant. When she is around your boyfriend, stick around, but don't show your jealousy for that might egg her on to trying to get closer to your guy. Some women make a game of trying to take someone's boyfriend or husband away from their mates.

In the future, stay away from places you think she would go.