Jealousy problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Jealousy problem
3
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:33am
I've been seeing this amazing guy for only about a month now who, before we started hanging out, use to fool around with a lot of girls in our small city and he was (well is) a real big flirt. I know that he is into me for many reasons, but the problem is that a few years ago i was in a 5 year relationship with a real bad guy who use to lie to me consistently, and abuse me emotionally & even physically, and it really messed up my emotions. i find it very hard to trust people and i am extremely insecure (no matter how many compiments i get, i can still feel down on myself). This guy i am seeing is very sweet and has done nothing to me to make me not trust him, but when we go out to the local clubs he is naturally a social butterfly and seems to knows almost every single girl there and vice versa. It's ok when i am with him (even though i of course compare myself to every girl he talks to), but when he says that he's going to go out with his friends for a drink i get this very uncomfortable jealous feeling and we end up getting into a discussion about it because i can't restrain myself from making an insecure comment and in the end i've accomplished nothing except make him not be as persistent in hanging out with me as he usually is. besides this issue we get along very well in so many ways, and i really we both really want this relationship to work, so i am wondering how to manage my insecurities because i really like him and i don't want this problem to drive him away and ruin something that i can see could be real good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:47am

insecure2006...

Pianoguy admires you. You've recognized your 'jealousy problem!" Now all you have to do is FIX IT!

What a lot of women still don't understand about men is that just because we're seeing someone exclusively...DOESN'T MEAN WE'LL COMPLETELY SHUT OURSELVES OFF FROM THE REST OF THE FEMALE POPULATION! A man can still be polite or at least say: "hi" without taking things any further.

Granted...you spent 5 years with a 'bad guy who was a liar'----but comparing him to your current b/f is foolish! So don't look for problems that (apparently) don't exist!

If your current b/f starts making excuses to avoid you...that's when you need to start worrying!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:12pm

Have you dated other guys for this long since your last bad relationship? If so, did you feel this way with them as well? If this is your first relationship since the break-up or if you feel this way with all of the guys that you've been with in the past few years, then I would say try to fake it and pretend even to yourself, that you're not jealous. I think it's actually quite common to feel jealous during the early stages of the relationship. If you just fake feeling confident and pretend you're not jealous, then after a while the feeling goes away on it's own as the relationship progresses and you start to feel more secure. If you're still feeling this way in a year from now then I would advise you to speak to a therapist. But after just a month it's okay to still have some feelings of jealousy and uncertainity because you haven't had time yet to really get to know the guy and to see how committed he is to sticking by you even when other temptations come along.

However, if you've dated other guys in the past few years and have felt confident and secure with all of them, and he's really the only one that makes you feel like this, then there's a good chance that the feeling you're having is your gut picking up on something and trying to warn, and in that case, you shouldn't ignore those feelings.

Since you feel jealous when he goes out with his friends, I also wonder if you are really jealous of the girl's he is meeting or if you are jealous that his friends get to spend that time with him while you have to be away from him. I think it's also pretty normal when you're falling for a new person to want to spend all of your time around them, and then to feel upset when you can't be with them. You should question whether that is what might be happening here, and if it is try to find other friends and hobbies to spend time with when he is out with his friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:56pm
Don't compare the good guy to the bad guy. It's not fair that the good guy has to deal with leftover emotional scars from the bad guy. Just because one bf cheated and lied, doesn't mean they all do. If Mr. good guy has given you no reason to doubt him, then you need to treat him as such. If an insecure thought comes to mind, bite your tongue, count to ten and tell yourself that there is no reason to be jealous.

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