Jealousy,insecurity,potential infidelity
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| Tue, 04-20-2004 - 4:36pm |
He is very smart, funny, caring, attentive, sweet, thoughtful and dedicated boyfriend and I don’t think he would ever do anything to hurt my feelings. He’s been telling me that I am what he is looking for and he wants to have future with me, etc. However, I can not help feeling disturb since last Wednesday and it has been bothering me ever since. I felt jittering, nervous, and stressful and I started to wonder why I felt this way about small incident like that.
Last Wednesday morning, I accidentally bumped into my boyfriend TC on the subway train going to work. I briefly witnessed him trying to talk or pick up this girl on the curb while I was right behind him and he didn’t know for about 1 minute. He was asking the girl what she does for living, how does she like the job, blab blab blab….etc. Just when he was about sitting right next to her, he saw me, he looked shocked and goodbyed her with “It was very nice meeting you” and moved and sat right next to me. He asked me how I am doing, it’s nice to see me in the train, etc, but never said anything about who that was. I felt uncomfortable and hurt right away but I didn’t say or show anything to him. I am still not sure if it’s my own insecurity but why I am feeling this way. Is my heart trying to warn me on something? Can I depend on my instincts? I talk to strangers sometimes too right? Everyone does but why I felt nervous when I saw him did this time. What’s the differences? Why do I feel so freak out about it.
Now thing has past for a week now. I have grown so much fear that he is trying to pick up other woman and cheat on me and I felt heart broken, but I don’t have anything to prove other than my gut feelings which are very unsettled right now. Am I being pitiful.
I guess the insecurities were from asking him to take down his profile from the Match.com, where we met, while he didn’t completely take it down, like if you type his handle, you would find him, his interest on porn, visit and download porns from websites on a weekly basis, gaze other good looking women on the street, very protect to his emails, want to have distance and space from me, etc.
I know eventually I need to talk to him but I don’t have any solid ground for my doubts right now, esp I was wrong before. As matter of fact, he has re-assured me just this weekend, how much he loves me and I am the only person he wants and I have nothing to worry about it, etc.
I don’t want to spoil our relationship by talking about something destructive and non-sense because of my own issue. I know I need to talk to him eventually but I want to make sure it’s an issue to begin with. I am not going to send troops out there and find there is nothing there but getting us hurt or killed. What’s your heart telling you about this one?
Thanks so much for your time.

In terms of the porn, I wouldn't worry about that, unless he looks at porn obsessively. And I also wouldn't worry about him looking at other women, unless he is very rude and obvious about it in front of you. All men check out pretty women.. that's natural. I also have been known to glance at an attractive man. The key is, you never do it disrespectfully.
Your problem is much deeper than all of that, and that is that you now have good reason to believe that your guy is "on the prowl."
How can you evn consider him your "boyfriend" when he still has a profile on Match.com? When somebody still has a searchable profile up on a personals site, it means he is still talking to and meeting other women. That's one reason he would be so protective of his email. It's not that you have any right to read his email.. email is private. But he shouldn't get bent out of shape about it if you were using his computer and happened to see something. If he didn't have anything to hide, he wouldn't be paranoid.
I think you need to open your eyes and face reality. Your "boyfriend" may be a doll while he is with you, but it sounds like he has not fully committed himself to you. If you two were an exclusive couple, there would be no reason for him to have any kind of profile up on a dating site.
Consider it a blessing that God showed you what he is up to.
If you're not ready to walk away, you'd better have a very serious talk about what you both expect from this relationship. Perhaps you could benefit from some couple's counseling. I don't know what kind of relationship you can still have without trust.
He was being socialable with a women on a subway. He knows of your previous lack of trust & respect in him so when he saw you he stopped. This doesn't mean he was doing wrong. Until you can clearly identify what you expect and tell him, then I think you are being insecure with the current situation.