Jealousy/Possessiveness Question
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| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 3:39pm |
I am currently in a situation that I am concerned may escalate to a potentially dangerous relationship, but I am not sure. I know this account is long, but I would be extremely appreciative if you read it in its entirety so you could have context for the question I have. I am EXTREMELY confused and upset about this situation, and would really appreciate any advice on what to do.
I am a 27 year-old, and recently (about 5 months ago) broke up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years because he had been saying for the past year that he "wasn't ready for marriage." I finally realized that he either was never going to be ready, or just didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him, so I broke up with him. I started dating again about 2 months ago. Dating itself has been somewhat difficult for me...I didn't date much in college, and then met my ex-boyfriend when I was 22 in law school, so I haven't had much dating experience. For the first month, I went on a few 1st and 2nd dates, but I didn't really have enough in common with any of the guys for the relationships to progress further, so I ended them.
About 3 weeks ago, I met a 31 year-old guy through an online dating service with whom I really hit it off. We went out for a drink for our first date, which went great -- the 2 hours flew by and felt like 15 minutes. We seemed to really "click," he and I seemed to have similar values, he was ambitious and had a good job (he is a doctor), he seemed very confident, and I was attracted to him. I agreed to a second date, which was even better than the first. We wound up spending the entire day together on our second date -- he had planned the entire day of sightseeing in the city where we live (he investigated beforehand and found out the times of things, where to get tickets, etc.) and going out to dinner at a really nice place. On the date, he opened up to me and told me that he is looking for a "serious relationship" at this point in his life and that he wanted to make sure I was too. I told him that I am. I was really impressed by his candor, and the fact that he was mature enough to know what he wanted (which was something my ex-boyfriend lacked). In the weeks that followed, we went on 3 more dates, which were all a lot of fun -- he planned everything to the t, and took me out to some really fun/nice places. We get along wonderfully, he made me laugh, and we had a lot of fun together. Also, he lives outside of the city, but he always came to me (in the city) without a question. He said since he has a car, it's easier, so he didn't mind.
A week ago, I had just gotten home from work (at about 8) and he called me to let me know he was in the neighborhood, and could drop by if that was okay. I told him he could. He came by with dinner, and after we ate, things started going (physically) faster than I wanted, and I put a stop to it. At first, he said okay but tried to proceed anyway, but he finally listened and stopped when I was firmer about how I felt. That night, after he left, I called him to let him know that he made me feel uncomfortable by not listening to me right away. He apologized and said that he had thought we both got "carried away," but now realizes it must have just been him. He then texted me the next morning to apologize again. I texted him back and said it was okay, and I appreciated him listening and understanding. After that happened, he was very respectful, only going as far as I say is okay, he hasn't pushed for anything else.
I also should tell you that during the 3 weeks we have gotten to know each other, he has been calling me and text messaging me a few times a day. I finally had to tell him that he might move quicker (meaning emotionally more than physically) than I do in relationships, but for me I need to work up to talking that often a day. I also had to tell him that if I don't respond, that means I'm busy or working and I'll respond when I can (I always did respond at some point in the day, so he had no reason to think I wouldn't). He said he understood, and explained that if we had been together a long time, he wouldn't be texting or calling me all the time, because then he would already know that I was "into him." I told him I was interested, and he didn't have to worry about that, but that it takes me a while to open up, and the calling/talking 3 times a day was not something I was ready for. I also told him that I may never be that type of person -- even with my ex-boyfriend, who I was with for over 4 years, I never talked to him more than once (or maybe twice) a day. He said okay, and he understood, and that we were still getting to know each other, so he is glad I told him how I was comfortable handling things.
This past Friday (which was the 3-week mark of our first date), I invited him to come out to dinner with some of my friends to hear a speaker at an event in the city. He agreed, and brought his younger brother (who is my age -- 27). We had fun, and my friends liked him but thought he seemed a bit cocky and self-assured. I actually like that quality in people, but I do see what they mean...my ex-boyfriend was the opposite, and I actually had a bit of trouble adjusting to that at the beginning of our relationship. (My ex was quiet, and would wait for me to make most decisions and talk in large groups, which was something I had to force myself to do. This new guy is very talkative, very decisive, and seemingly very confident.) On Friday, he said something about "introducing you as my girlfriend" to me. I didn't say anything at all in response, because I was surprised he wanted to be exclusive so quickly. The next morning, he called me to tell me what a nice time he had and to thank me for inviting him out with my friends. He also asked what I was doing that day/night. I told him that I was spending the day at my parents' house, but would be back in the city that night for an engagement party. He said he would make plans with his friends to go out, but I should call if I wound up leaving the engagement party early enough to meet up. I told him okay.
That night (which was this past Saturday night), I went to my friend's party, and about an hour after I got there, I received a text message from the guy I am seeing. He asked me where I was, and I texted him back telling him I had just gotten to the party. He sent another text telling me where he was. He then proceeded to send me about 3 more texts -- the next one said he was leaving the first place and going to a second, after that he wrote to ask me if I wanted to meet up later, and after that he asked me again if I was home yet, still at the party, or if I wanted to meet up. I hadn't seen any of the texts because I had left my purse in my friend's bedroom while I was in her apartment. I got home at around 1:30 in the morning, and saw that I had 4 texts to read. As I was reading them, I got another one from him saying "Why do I have the feeling you're ignoring me?" He then sent another a few minutes later: "Just wondering why?" At this point, it is around 2:00 a.m., and I was confused -- I had explicitly told him that I would call only if I was leaving the party early...and it was 2 in the morning! I really didn't consider that "early enough to meet up," and did not want to meet up at that point. I wanted to go to bed. I was about to text him back saying it was too late to meet up when I heard the buzzer ringing -- someone was downstairs at the front door of my apartment building ringing me. That's when I started to actually get scared...I didn't know what to do, so I ignored the buzzer. After a few minutes, he started buzzing again. At this point it is around 2:30. I called my sister for advice. As I was on the phone with her, he started calling me. I was ignored all of his calls, but he kept alternately buzzing downstairs and calling me repeatedly for about a half an hour. I called my sister back, and while I was on the phone with her, I got another text message that said, "I'm standing right outside your door and hear you. Why are you ignoring me?" That's when I realized he had somehow gotten into my building and was actually in the hallway. I was really scared at that point. Then another text came through: "You could be mature and talk about it instead of ignoring." I was really scared -- I have no idea how he got into my building, but the fact that he was right outside the door made me very nervous. He then started calling me and ringing my doorbell at the same time. I was ignoring all of his calls. He sent another text message saying, "Someone must have put something in my drink. I'm sick and really messed up." That's when I started to feel concerned about him, instead of just scared, so I picked up his next call. I picked up and said, "What is WRONG with you? You called me 12 times in the past hour and texted me a bunch of times and it's 4 in the morning!" He said, "I'm so sick...I don't know what to do. I tried calling everyone I know, but no one was around, so I came here. I think someone put something in my drink...I've never felt like this before. I don't know what to do. Please open the door. I just need a glass of water and to lie down." I was still on the phone with my sister, so I finally opened the door to see if he was okay. (I know, I know -- I shouldn't have done that!). I saw him sitting on the floor in the hallway, and he said he was really sick, and he would never have come here if he had another choice, but none of his friends picked up their phones so he didn't know what to do. He said he was feeling okay, but suddenly his heart was racing uncontrollably, and he was scared that he was really sick. I asked him why he didn't call 911, and he said that since he's a doctor, he was afraid that the hospital wouldn't believe that he didn't ingest something voluntarily, and it would affect his job. I also asked him why he didn't take a cab to his brother's house (or any of his friends), and he said he just wasn't thinking clearly. I asked him how he got to my apartment, and he said he drove...I don't know how he had the presence of mind to drive if he was so sick, but he claimed it was because he was thinking okay, but his heart was racing and he felt so dizzy that he was scared he would die, and just came to me out of desperation. He then noticed I was holding my phone, and asked who was on the phone, and I said it was my sister. He asked to speak to her, and got on the phone and blabbered on about not wanting to mess things up with me, and that she and I have to understand that he just came here out of desperation and he really values me, and he doesn't want this to mess things up. He then gave the phone back to me.
I let him in (I know -- shouldn't have done that either! I still can't believe I did), and gave him a glass of water. He kept repeating, "I'm so sorry. I'm so embarassed. Please don't let this affect our relationship. I should have never come here. I'll just drive home. This was a mistake. I really am so sorry." I then told him that I was afraid for him to drive home, and to just lie down on my couch. I left to move his car to a legal parking space and when I came back he was sleeping on the couch...I went to sleep in my bed and I set the alarm for 11:30 because he had an appointment with a real estate broker at noon.
When we woke up (which was only about 6 hours after we went to sleep), he seemed absolutely fine -- he was talking fine, and seemed like himself. He kept apologizing for the night before, and I said it was fine (even though I really didn't know how I felt). He left to go to his appointment and then called me afterwards to thank me for taking him in the night before, apologize again about his behavior, and to see if I wanted to meet for brunch or do something that afternoon. I told him I didn't know if I had time (the real reason is that I was confused and didn't know how I felt). So he went to meet his friends for brunch and then went to the library to do some medical reading. He seemed to feel perfectly fine. He texted me a couple other times throughout the day, which I ignored.
That afternoon, I really thought about what had happened the night before. First of all, not everything he told me seems to fit. I have never heard of someone slipping something in a guy's (not girl's) drink. But even if that were true, if he really was as sick as he said he was, and as confused and desperate as he said he was (which were the reasons he gave me for texting/calling so many times and for ringing my bell at 3:30 in the morning), then how did he have the presence of mind to drive to my apartment, park the car, have a lucid conversation with me, talk to my sister, feel embarrassed about his behavior (he kept repeating, "I'm so sorry -- I know I'm messing this up...please forgive me."), etc.? He also told me that he threw up on the way to my apartment, and so he stopped at a drugstore to get toothpaste and breath mints. If he were as sick as he says, how could he have possibly thought clearly enough to do that? Also, I don't understand why he didn't call another friend, or his brother, or his parents (who live about 20 minutes away) if he were that sick. Or he could have called 911 (I don't think I would be worried about my job if I were so sick I thought I might be dying). Or he could have taken a cab to his brother's (or friend's) apartment to stay with him. There had been another minor incident a couple of weeks ago that made me question his honesty, and now I was thinking that the minor incident had actually been a red flag...the minor incident occurred on our third date. He had told me the day before that he called up the box office at a concert hall in the city and bought tickets for us to see a 4 piece orchestra the next day. When we went to the concert, however, I saw that the ticket said "Comp - $0.00." I couldn't care less if the ticket were free, but I DID care if he was lying. So I asked him why it said "Comp," and he responded, "That's really weird. I have no idea. Maybe when you give your credit card number over the phone it says "comp" for some reason." I KNEW this was probably a lie, but I let it go, thinking that it wasn't really an important thing. (I also didn't want him to think I cared if he had paid for it or not, so I didn't persist in questioning him).
After thinking all this over, I called him and asked him all of the above questions (except for the comp ticket issue) and told him how I felt. I said that it seemed to me that his behavior was bordering on stalking, and I was scared by it. I also said that no matter how drunk he was, I couldn't see how he thought calling 12 times and ringing the bell of a girl he met 3 weeks ago was a good idea. I also told him that I questioned his truthfulness re: his story because he seemed completely lucid when I talked to him last night, and the next day was perfectly fine. He responded by saying that he was sorry that I questioned his honesty, but he was telling the truth -- he said he has no idea if someone actually put something in his drink, but all he knows is that he was suddenly feeling sick and started to have a panic attack because his heart was racing so quickly. He offered to go to the hospital with me right then so he could get a blood test to show me that he really had had something in his system (which I declined, but how was he suddenly willing to go to the hospital and "risk" his job???). He then explained that somehow, he was thinking clearly enough to go to the drugstore, get to my apartment, etc., but he was so panicky that he wasn't thinking clearly about appropriate behavior -- he was just so desperate to find someone to go to that he came to me even though he knows he shouldn't have. He said that he did try to call his friends and his brother, but no one picked up. I asked if he called his parents, and he said he didn't because he was afraid of "freaking them out" (but apparently was not worried about freaking me out.) I asked if he called anyone else 12 times, and he said he didn't. I asked him what he would have done if this had happened three weeks ago, before we had met, and he said he probably would have called 911, which was what he was planning to do if I didn't respond to him. He agreed with me that his behavior was "psychotic" (his word choice, not mine), and said that I was right to feel the way I felt. He said it was a horrible judgment choice, and he has no excuse for it, but that he does value and respect me and he doesn't think I should let one incident -- no matter how crazy it seemed -- cut off a relationship that seems to have "future" potential. He then said that his father treats his mother well, and his mother treats his father well, and he was brought up to do the same. He would never disrespect a girl, and he said he thinks his past behavior (except for the night before) demonstrates that. He then offered to give me the phone number of his ex-girlfriend so I could ask her about him. I told him that the very fact that he chose to call me 12 times and bang on my door in the middle of the night shows me that he was thinking about himself and not about me at all -- he never once considered that he was scaring me, or waking me up, or anything else about me. He said I was right -- that he didn't -- but that was only because he was panicking and was so desperate to find someone to talk to.
I told him I would have to think about all of this, because right now I don't know if I trust him, and trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. He asked if he could see me that night "to talk," and I said no -- that I would rather think on my own, and that I'd call him when I was ready. He persisted in trying to convince me again, and I said no again. He stopped and said okay.
About 15 minutes after we hung up, he text messaged me, saying "If I were you, I would feel the same for sure, but would not trash something so fast -- especially when I was foreseeing a possible "future." I just feel we share many similar qualities, but that's only me I guess. Anyway, I was excited thinking I would be seeing you later, but I guess I will leave the city and go home. Hope you have a stress-free week. :-(." I didn't respond.
About 15 minutes after that text message came through, he called me. I picked up and said, "Yes?" He said he had "one last thing I wanted to tell you." I said "I told you that I would call you -- not the other way around." He said, "I just needed to say one last thing. Please." I said, "Okay, what is it?" He said, "It's just that I'm actually tearing up right now thinking that you aren't going to give us a chance because of one crazy thing I did. I am starting to feel real emotion for you...I even told my parents about you the other day. I think it would be a really stupid choice to throw this away before you even give it a chance." In all honesty, he was very convincing. I responded, "I agree this is a sad situation, because you and I did "click." But "clicking" is a minor thing compared to trust and honesty, and I have to figure out how I feel about that before I make a decision." I also said, "You have to give me time to think about this. Don't call me, don't text me, don't email me. I will call you when I'm ready." He said okay.
This morning he texted me (!!) to tell me about an operation he had in the morning. It just said, "Just had a foreign body removal..... Oh, oops, forgot -- not supposed to write to you. It's okay, no need to respond if you don't want to." I could NOT believe he texted me after I EXPLICITLY told him last night not to contact me. And if he really did suddenly remember he wasn't supposed to text me, why did he send the text?
I am very confused now...I know that what he did on Saturday night was a crazy thing, and he agreed it was. I don't know if I should give him another chance, because maybe it was an anomaly and he really wasn't thinking clearly. OR should I take this as a red flag, demonstrating his possessiveness (he wanted to see me when he wanted to see me, and persisted until I picked up the phone), manipulative nature (in apologizing, trying to explain it away, and telling me what I wanted to hear about him seeing a "future" in the relationship), and selfishness (he clearly did not take into account my feelings -- both by coming to my door at 3 in the morning and by texting me this morning after I very clearly told him not to last night). Then again, is he right that I should at least give him a chance and see if he is a good person before cutting him off, and this was just one "off" night that I should let go? Or was the Saturday night incident the type of thing that would NEVER happen to someone who is balanced and has a sense of normalcy? I want to avoid getting into a potentially dangerous situation (as the worst case) or simply wasting my time and becoming invested in an unhealthy relationship with no future. At the same time, I don't want to make a rash decision based on one incident and lose out on a potentially good relationship.
If you could give me your opinion, I would REALLY appreciate it. I am just so confused right now, and don't know what to think... Any advice you could give me to shed some light on this situation would be very much appreciated.
In advance, thank you thank you THANK YOU for reading this and for any advice. I very much look forward to hearing from you!
Confusedly,
Ivilgirl

I actually read your whole post and was impressed that you are thinking rationally. This guy is dangling a carrot in front of you in the form of a "future", and then he is basically stalking you and being your typical out-of-the-box possessive stalker type.
He wants what he wants when he wants it, regardless of your feelings. He wanted to come over and see you that night, all he had to do was come over unannounced, wrangle his way into your building, call you 12 times and then make up a huge lie to convince you to open the door. Now he wants to text message you and talk to you on the phone, the fact that you don't want this doesn't matter to him.
It's been 3 weeks, cut your losses with this doctor psycho and move on. Somewhere out there there is a wonderful man who acts sanely and wants a future with you. This man isn't it.
I'M impressed with YOU -- that you actually read the huge book I wrote! Thank you so much for your response...I think in my gut I knew everything you said, but I didn't want it to be true. He is so charming, and good-looking, and fun, and he has everything (on paper) that I am looking for that I was hoping that I was overreacting about the whole thing. But I really do think you are right...I guess it is always a good idea to trust our gut feelings about things and try to think as rationally about stuff as possible. I have to remember the reality of the situation, and not explain away all of the weird stuff just to make the relationship something that I want it to be.
Thank you again for taking the time to help me with this -- you really made a difference in helping me parse through all my feelings and decide what to do. (I only hope you are right about me eventually finding that wonderful non-psycho man who wants a future with me!)
Two words in response to your lengthy post ;-):
DUMP HIM.
Ok, a few more words ;-)...it was hardly "one incident", it was a whole bunch of things, and you're right to listen to your gut!
Sheri
Good luck. Trust yourself.
Wow -- you read that whole thing too?! I'm so impressed with you guys :-).
You are completely right! Thank you for helping me to "see the light" ;-)
First of all, thank you for reading my (very long) post! Second, I think you are right that if I am confused, there must be a reason. Third, you are very perceptive to notice that my self-confidence has somehow been completely shot by the break-up...before the break-up (and before I met my ex), I was pretty self-confident. Now, I feel like I'll never find "the one" (even though I KNOW that is a ridiculous thing to think after only one bad break up and a second bad dating experience). That is definitely part of the reason I felt the need to hold onto this guy.
Thank you for your advice, and also for your boost to my self-confidence by calling me "head and shoulders above the average girl" (even though I don't agree!). Thank you for your help!!!!!!!