jelousy is killing relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
jelousy is killing relationship
3
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:29pm
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. He is the best man ikn the worl and has never given me any reason to be jelous. But before me he dated this girl who he loved and broke his heart. I realize everyone comes with baggage but the thought of her kills me. i am so jelous and i feel like he would rather be with her than with me or that she might be in the back of his head when he's with me. He has never given me reason to think this, but i do. I now realized that this is something that happens with EVERY boyfriend i have ever had and that fear has always led me to jepeordize my relationships and push the guys away until they leave me. Why do exes threaten me and meke me so insecure? i want to keep the exes in the past so how can i be less jelous, and improve my self esteem? i dont want to ruin my relationship again out if fear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:23pm
My sense is there is a lot more jealousy than there used to be due to people having more relationships than in the past. But your case sounds like something is troubling you from your past, as if you relive some kind of earlier trauma with whoever is your current boyfriend. I have no idea whether that is on the right track so that is all I will say for now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 3:22pm
Have you ever had an ex come back in the picture and ruin a relationship of yours? Do you know where the jealousy problem starts with you? Those are questions you need to answer for yourself before you can start to change your way of thinking for good.

Your awareness is a good sign. Jealousy has wrecked many a good relationship. Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 9:42am
it's true that there are issues of my own i need to deal with. I am going to give u the details of my relationship so u can let me know if it's and issue that he has caused in me or something that i have dragged along into this relationship:

we have had a real complicated realtionship b/c half the time we are each on a seperate page. I know he has never cheated on me, so that's not the issue. Th issue is the problem i have had in every relationship i have ever had, but that is intensified in this one. the fear that he(who ever the guy is) might not be over his ex and that he would rather be with her than with me. In this realtionship with Omar. we sarted going out a couple of months after his breakup and about a month and a half after mine. only thing was that by the time me and my boyfriend broke u, I no longer had any feelings for him. I wasn't on the rebound and maybe Omar was. He assured me he wasn'tand thing moved pretty fast between him, mostly b/c of him. My theory is that once he saw how commited to me he was, he got scared and pushed me away. at the same time i got very insecure and might have pressured him a little. Not by asking him to commit but by asking stupid questions like " do u really want to be with me?", are u over her?", "are u wasting my time?", Can u ever love me?"...etc... Well i asked for a break and he said we didnt need one b/c he wanted to be with me. we got together and a week later he broke up w/ me. we were already together for 7 months so i was devastated but had to moved on.

3 months later i did and i met this guy Luis. He tore my life apart. it was hell and i went through things i hope no one ever goes through. but i was over Omar entirely( I thought). at the same time he went back to his ex but he had a terrible time and broke up with her after oly a month. it took my relationship with luis about 4 months to end. oficcially we were together for 2 but i didnt let go for another 2 months. a month before me and luis finished, me and Omar got together, but on a sexual level. i was happy w/ this b/c i was a wreck after luis, and Omar helped me get over all the drama and then he caught feelings for me, however we had agreed that it was gonna be nothing but sex and we could date whoever. i was unsure if i wanted us to be official again. it was stupid b/c we were together, everyone knew it and we acted like a real couple, it was just a tittle that was missing.

Anyhow, right when i ws ready, we had a pregnancy scare and he got all wierd (mainly b/c he was scared and worried). WShen we found out everything was fine, he tried to make things go back to normal, but my insecurities had already consumed me and i ended things with him after 4 months. i was again sad but thought it was the best thing to do. now after 2 months apart, we are once again together. i dont know what tittle we have but i frankly dont care. we love being w/ eachother and i know i make him feel like no one else does and same for me. we are perfect right now, and i think nothing matters other than us being able to be together. but i cant get over my insecurities. i dont want them to be the reason why we dont work out again b/c i know it is my insecurities that push him away and make me act stupid. Let me ad that all my ex b/f, with which i have had the same insecurities with, have ended up loving me, and u would think that would help me get over these issues, but they havent. i no longer know what to do. i cant let this be the cause of my relationship to fail again or any other to come. how do i work thhrough these issues?

As far as wher he stands and where he stands, i know he wants to be with me and that he feels for me the same i feel for him. i have come to the conclusion that only time will tell what is going to happen between me and him and if we are meant to be together, thjen we will be. i just dont want my issues to get in the wai ever again.