JNTIY is throwing me off!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
JNTIY is throwing me off!
5
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 11:52pm

This "JNTIY" book has got me second-guessing everything! I am wondering if they guy I am dating is just not that into me, or maybe now, because of the book I am too paranoid!

We have been on about 5 dates. Everything is going well so far. But, he does tend to ask out the day that he wants to go out. Which drives me nuts. And, he waits 2-3 days before calling again. And, now it is Wednesday and he hasn't asked me out for the weekend!

He has mentioned that I am the only one he is dating and the only one he plans to date. But, his actions don't seem to reflect his words. Am I overreacting/overanalyzing? Or, does it seem he is just not that into me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 5:08am
hi clapex,
bellina sends greetings! It appears like he has some interest in you,as he returns calls within 2-3 days.However,I would mention to him you'd prefer a bit more planned dates,as you don't do spontaneous spir of moment dates.Let him know,as some gals don't mind being asked out within several hours requiring little time to primp or get ready.Also that he shouldn't assume that you're not sitting by phone,and only available to see him,as you probably have friends/family giving you planned time.Anyway it is far better to communicate this early on in your relationship and if he's considerate will honor your wishes.Or perhaps there maybe other gals he's seeing,and doesn't want to hinder those days from seeing them? This can also be brought up,what kind of connection you have,be it friends or something more.Best wishes,Bellina
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:02pm

Hi Clapex,

I too read that book and while it does make many good points, it is the opinion of one man. I would think some guys, if they read the book, would also think that the male author isn't the speaker for all men. Some men call at the last minute and they don't call every day but that does not mean they for sure are not into you, I don't believe that. When my husband and I were dating, he called me every couple of days because he felt that he didn't need to call every day unless he had something to say. He wasn't the 'I just want to hear your voice' type and he still married me. Anyhow, I wouldn't freak out, he probably cares for you very much after all, he did tell you that you are the only one he is seeing and plans to keep it that way. My $.02. Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 7:24pm

I'm curious... what would you rather listen to? A book, written by one's person's point of view, or your own sense of what's right?

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 3:08pm

That whole thing threw me off so badly...I may have blown it with someone I really like.
I figured that if he wasn't calling he wasn't interested, and so I never called him.
He pretty much figured I wasn't calling because I wasn't really interested.
Thankfully I got off my butt, and went to see him at work, he's still flirting - the staring, the enthusiasm at me being there, the kiss hello, the goodnight kiss.
But I can tell he's unsure, and I have lost some confidence about the situation.

Paris

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 3:33pm

Has it occured to you that calling at the last minute is "his style" - as in he does NOTHING until the last minute from paying bills to buying a car and paying a higher price.

Has it occurred to you that the quantity and quality of your contact suits his needs, meets his agenda, is all he wants...and he won't want more - no matter hwat you do?

That's not "JNITY"...that's "this is my idea of what i want in my life at this time".

That phrase, JNITY, was meant really to be tongue in cheek. It was meant ot stop all the analyzing, reviewing, obsessing and regressing into "what did I do wrong, what does he want, did I scare him off".

It's designed to have you stating - the level and quality of our interaction now is all he wants - is that enough for me? It's to turn the focus onto what you do control - which is knowing what you want and need vs. obsession about what you don't control or even know which is "what he wants".

If this isn't enough contact for you, or if thislast minute style does't work for you - YOU move on...break it off.

Basically, JNTIY had to be coined because some women have NEVER broken up with a man that still wanted to date them and was willing to do it - to suit his needs. They've never stood there assessing is what he's doing meeting my needs appropriately and standards consistently. THey've stood there obsessing about whether what they're doing is good enough, or too much, or not enough, or too something or other to get what they want out of him. Doing that means that you'll never be the one assessing if your needs are met, standards are shared and if this relationship is right for you. You'll literally NEVER breka up with a man unless there is violence involved, and even then it is often justified away by some people, it's just that all your relationships "fade to black"...becuase you sit there trying to be everything he wants and needs, without ever assessing whether he'swhat you want and need.......if you don't have a set of needs for him to meet, a set of standards ofr him to share, some criteria for him to live up to in some regard other htan to be male and breathe.......then you're just "too into everybody" - which is why it's impossible for you to determine "he's just not that into you".

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com