A Juliet's cry for help

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
A Juliet's cry for help
6
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:54pm
Hi, I was wondering if I could get some good advice here for a 16 year old.


BACKGROUND: See, I come from a very strict, conservative, and religious family. My parents don't even want me to date someone who isn't Christian. That's really difficult.

PAST: For a while I was dating a guy who wasn't, and things were great between us, that is, until I found out he drank (ALOT!). I wound up breaking it off with him and dated around for a while. We wound up being good friends for awhile and really bonded. One night he told me he loved me and wanted to try things again...I agreed.

PRESENT: To make a long story short, he quit drinking for me and his health and has really made a 180. (Ok, so maybe it's only like a 160 but it's a process!) There's just one BIG problem: my parents. They absolutely hate him. They've completely forbidden me to see him, so I've been "accidently" bumping into him at the movies and restuarants.

They said he only wants me for sex and he'll tell me anything to get what he wants like all 17 year old boys blah blah blah. They said they get a bad "vibe" from him which is pretty bold considering they've only met him once. I explained to them how he quit drinking and how he fully understands and agrees with waiting to have sex, and how he treats me really well. They didn't budge. I'm not even allowed to talk to him on the phone so I have to sneek off outside and use my poor-reception cell phone just to talk to him.

FUTURE: Basically we're secret boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't know what else to do. He wants to send flowers to my house for my 17th birthday, Tuesday, but I'm afraid my parents will throw them out when they find out who they're from! This is ridiculous! Any advice on what to do? I hate sneaking around! I just want to be with him! Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 8:16pm
I do think it is a little harsh for your parents to judge the personality of a person they met only once but..first impression is important. What did he say or do that might have offended them so much? Was it just that he wasn't Christian? Are you an only child? Try thinking about how much your parents want to protect you and keep you safe from everything bad that could happen to you if somehow this doesn't work out with your forbidden love. Please recall that Romeo and Juliet didn't end well; they died. True for love, but mostly from disobediance. Despite what I say, believe me that I am a romantic at heart. If he loves you and you love him, it would be best to(like Juliet and Romeo) find someone who can advocate for you to your parents. Someone they would trust enough to listen to. Just don't run away from home to be with him. Think about the consequences of maintaining a relationship with a person you can barely see or talk to. Are you just thrilling on the idea of forbidden love and going against your parents' wishes?

Just so you don't think I'm a cynic, I will disclose a little history of my own. I was 16, he was 23. For a summer, he was my entire world. My parents never knew anything. I thought we could wait until I was 18 and go live together. He was using me and my innocence for his own gratification. It was forbidden love, even I knew my parents would lock me away rather than even talk to this person on the phone. My friends finally were able to drag me away from him before I lost my virginity.

The point is, when you're young(and I still am young 27) it is so hard to look at things from a distance. Your parents deserve your respect and obediance, and your friend's respect too. You may not agree with them, but it IS true that they do these things for a reason. If you haven't tried talking calmly with them about their decision, you should. You might want to not sneak around for a while too. If the topic comes up again, they might be more suspious of you and watch you more closely.

Anyway, you don't have to listen to me anymore than them. But try to think before you do something that is as extreme as Juliet and Romeo did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 8:20pm
HEre's what you do - go out, get a job, give back the car and furniture (keep the clothes - they won't fit anybody else but you anyway), go out and get your own apartment, pay your own bills if you can't fund your own education -then just work low-paying jobs for eternity - but then you'll be a free and independent woman to do wth your life what you want.

As long as you're living on somenoe else's dime...you'll be playing by their rules.

I did what you're doing...I lived to regret it, and so did the child i had at 19.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 1:04pm
Reply 1: I feel so stupid for leaving out a VERY important detail in my first message. The reason they hate him so much is because on my first date with him my parents made me let them meet him. They asked all kinds of embarressing questions and then my dad asked "do you drink?" My guy said "no." Basically, he lied under pressure. My dad found out that he lied, and went off.

I have talked to them...SOOO many times. These weren't just whiney little conversations either, I mean, we had a heart to heart and they still won't even let me talk to him on the phone because it "builds a relationship," and they don't want that.

I'm going to see him one more time today before he goes away on spring break. I have to talk to a woman about a job (for real) and the meeting's going to run a little long (not for real). I'm just gonna meet him at a park and we'll hang out awhile...nothing big. He goes out of country with his family every summer, all summer, so we won't have many more times to meet.

Reply 2: I would never do something like that. We're both going to college. I'm not even 17 yet, so even if I wanted to I couldn't live on my own - not legally at least. But you were talking about living on someone else's dime. I work for my dad and he pays me $90 a week, tax free. I pay for everything except for house stuff. I know that's still alot but it's not like I rely on them for everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 1:32pm
I would say that your parents are simply trying to protect you from influence that they do not consider appropriate - and they have that right because you are not an independent person as yet. Independent in terms of being able to live on your own and thus determine your own standards and associations.

They'e right - the more time you spend and the more you "invest" in him as anindividual and in this relationship as an entity the more attached to him and it you'll become and the less objective you'll be at all times about him and it and yourself.

But from another vantage point I'd like to point something out...something I think you hav yet to consider.

Right now, this young man has his cake and can eat it too. You being forbidden to pursue an alliance, and you forcing yourself to comply outward with your parents guidelines so that you're NOT bereft of the benefits of them.....let me just point out - my parents evicted me from living at home for doing precisely what you're now doing at 17...parents have that option......he is allowed to "be with you in secret".


That's not a statement that says "I respect and admire her as a person. I respect her parents wishes and their interests in her well-being and future success."

What he's doing is sneaking around getting kisses and then because there can be nothing in public lest you get in trouble...he's basically able to do whatever he wants anywhere else because to do otherwise might "get you in trouble".

Just another isde of the coin on this "he loves me so much he can't live without me and thus he's willing to consent to a private liason."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 2:16pm
i understand exactly what you are goin through!!!!! it is tough when you have such a strict upbringing! do your parents know that the 2 of you are "friends"? if so there's an explaination for the flowers. if not it's a little tougher. my best friend is recently going through the same thing, her parents HATE her boyfriend (now fiance!!) and honestly i had doubts about him too, to begin with. she had since moved out, and is living with her fiance's family. i have grown to like him, it just took time! pray that your family will accept him. it's not right to sneak around to be with him, but you know that. the only thing i can think of telling you is to try and talk your parents into having him over for dinner (maybe a movie) a couple of times, so that they can see that he has/is changing because he cares about you. they need to get to know him! IF you can do this (i have never had the courage) i suggest talking with your parents about accepting him. thats all they have to do is accept him the way he is. they cannot judge him for his mistakes (past prestent or future) that is up to God! they can disapprove of what he does, but how is he going to learn and want to change if all he is hearing is that he's not good enough? to be totally honest, your parents aren't good enough! none of us are!!! we are all here living & breathing because God had mercy on us! they need to show your guy the kindness, love, acceptance, and help of God! how can they expect him to change and do whats right if they are not willing to do whats right by helping him, showing him, and accepting him not only for their daughters happiness, but because thats what God would do. you have my prayers and i hope things work out for you! god bless!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 6:06pm
That's all alot of good advice from very opposite sides of the spectrum! I don't feel like he's just using me. I mean, everyone at school knows we're "talking" because he tells everyone. We are going out...I mean, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I just can't tell my parents. The only time we go out is when I'm out with my friends and I tell him to meet me there too. But I don't know, I guess it's one of those situations where you just have to trust your heart. Time will tell.

Right now I'm scared because I think he's sending flowers to my house for my birthday, and I'm scared my parents will go off on me and throw them out! My parents don't even want us being friends. My parents think he's just trying to make it a personal mission to have sex with me, you know, the unachievable. I know this isn't so because we're both virgins and we both agree on waiting to have sex. I told my parents this and they just told me "yeah right, he'll tell you anything." I asked if it would help if he came over and apologised and stuff and my dad said "sorry just isn't going to cut it."

So I really don't know what to do from here. We get along so well, and yeah, we act like a couple. It just feels right when we're together, even though I'm constantly paranoid my parents will find out, but still. Maybe after not seeing him all summer and waiting so long to "officially" go out, my parents will lighten up!