Just asking for trouble?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Just asking for trouble?
6
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:50pm
Ok, a brief history. I was married for 10 years when I found out my H had been having an affair for 2 years. Long story short, I tried to work it out, he kept cheating, she got pregnant, now they are living together. That was 3 years ago. I started dating this guy a year and a half ago. He seemed like what I was looking for. We got along great, he always made me laugh and the physical attraction was something I hadn't felt since before I was married. Six months into the relationship I found out I was pregnant with twins. He said he was ok with it and so life went on. He is always going out of town to work back where his family is from. Well, the babies are now 8 weeks old and I found out that he has been dating this girl out there for the past month. When I confronted him he said he would break it off. Well, at first he didn't but apparently now he has. Anyway, the whole time he has been trying to talk his way back into my good graces. Everyone keeps telling me to ditch him. I know I should but he wants to come home and honestly I want him here. I miss him and even though I know its not a healthy relationship I would rather keep him around for the friends with benefits kind of thing. I feel like he is one of my guilty pleasures, ya know? If I know what kind of person he is and don't pretend this is something its not is it wrong to continue to sleep with him? I really don't want to get involved with anyone else right now and I am really sexually attracted to this guy. And we do have kids together now. I am not sure what to do. Any advice?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 1:14pm

Can you be sexually involved with him without being emotionally involved? If you can't separate the two, then yes, you're asking for trouble.

And what about sexual health issues? There's no such thing as completely safe sex, since things like herpes can be transmitted even if you use condoms. So if you're not sure he can be trusted to not be seeing other people, you'll be taking a risk.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 2:09pm
Well, thats true. I have been tested recently but that doesn't mean that he won't put me at risk. Everyone keeps telling me how I deserve better and he isn't worth it but if I want to see him on MY terms then I don't see why its a big deal. People date people that they know are not 'the one' all the time. Why can't I use him to meet MY needs? I really don't know if I can stay emotionally detached. I am not sure if I am in love with him or just lust. I guess love means trust and respect and a lot of words I wouldn't necessarily use to describe our relationship right now, but that doesn't mean that there isn't chemistry. I do believe we were in love before everything got so complicated. He has been gone a lot so I am used to not having him here all the time. When he is here he acts like we are attached at the hip. I know he will be home soon and I can't help it. I do want to have sex with him again and I feel like a fool because I have to lie to everyone and act like I don't want anything to do with him. Its hard to turn him away. I am not looking to marry him or anything. I just don't feel like I am ready to cut those ties yet. Everyone else looks at it as me being used but as long as I know what I am getting into then I don't know why its wrong. Mind you, he talks like he wants the commitment and all but I don't feel like I can trust him that way right now. If we are not commited then we can't be together at all? Can't it just be what it is without labeling it as dysfunctional? We are two consenting adults. Does it sound like I am making excuses? I just know what I want and I don't know why its "wrong" to feel the way I feel.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 2:19pm

If you can do what you want without getting emotionally attached, then great, go for it, but very few women can.

But don't lie to your friends about it. That's a very lonely place to be. You need to be upfront with them and ask them to respect your choice even if they don't agree with it. And if it turns out they were right and you were wrong, then accept that gracefully.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 1:50pm

Personally I think that you're trying to use sex to make up for the intimacy that is lacking in the relationship. This man is the father of your children and he has been messing/cheating with another woman. Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this sort of relationship is ok?


Do I think you're using excuses? Yes. I think you're attempting to talk yourself into something that you know will drain you eventually. I don't think you are using him for your own needs. I think you are trying to draw him in hoping that he will realize he should be with you.


It's your life, your choice. No one has a right to judge you for it. But I would really advise you to become very honest with yourself as I don't know if you really are right now...


Keep us posted...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 2:30pm
You are right I guess. Its just so confusing having all these emotions flying around all willy nilly. When I talk to someone about him, I see their point but when I talk to him, all I can think about is how bad I want to be with him one more time, just to see, ya know? I know he will be home soon and I just don't know if I am strong enough to walk away from him when we are face to face. I really miss him a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 3:12pm

I'm sure you do miss him a lot hon and I know it hurts. Sometimes though going through the pain of letting go now will bring you a lot more happiness in the future. Think about what you're really holding on to. And think about why. Why do you really want a guy who will not treat you like the queen you are? I think you deserve better than that, no?


I know it hurts. And I know it's hard to be alone. But sometimes being alone