Just a break??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Just a break??
3
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 1:53pm
If I could just get ya'll's opinions on this it would be great. I am 19 and my boyfriend is 22. We've been together around 5 months. When we first met, it was one of those things where you both just go, "wow!" We fell in love quickly and immediately began spending every waking moment together except when we were working or in class. We even began talking about how we both felt like this would last forever. He told his mom i was a, "keeper." He said he could see himself settling down with me someday and having a couple of kids and the whole nine yards! He was the first to say "I love you" as well. Things went on perfectly like this for about 2 months, with us meeting each other's families, and me attending Thanksgiving with his entire extended family. Then, one night, he sat me down and started out by saying that he didn't want to break up, but that he thought we should "take a break." I figured this was probably a good idea, cause like I said, we were spending all our time together and not hanging out with our respective friends. That was right around Christmas, so we didn't see each other that much over the holidays while we were both home visiting our families, but we did continue to talk every day. Then, when we came back from Christmas break, and started school again (I attend a University, he goes to a junior college in the same town), our schedules were really hectic, but we managed to see each other about twice a week. Then, I did something really stupid and ended up driving over to his house and showing up unannounced two nights in a row, waking him up in the process (it wasn't late, he had gone to bed early). The next day, he decided he was going home to visit his family for the weekend a day early, instead of going out to dinner with me for his birthday. This led to a huge discussion, where he said that he didn't know what he wanted, and that he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship right now. He said if he was gonna be in a relationship, he wanted to be with me, but he just didn't know if he wanted to be with anyone right now. I should add that he has been really stressed out lately with work and school. So he was supposed to go home for the weekend and think about what he wanted. Well, he called me when he got back, but neither one of us brought that subject up. That was about 3 1/2 weeks ago, and he's still calling me every couple days ( i've only called him twice). However, I have not seen him in these past 3 weeks, since our last big discussion. I still have a bunch of stuff at his house, since I was practically living with him those first couple of months. I keep telling myself that he just needs his space right now to work on himself and that if I give him time, then everything will be fine. Just the fact that he's still calling me kinda shows that. And we never officially ended things, or even discussed what happened. So my question(s) are: Should I bring it up again? Should I attempt to see him? And if he truly does just need space, how much time should I give him? When do I say, "Okay, I have to move on, I can't wait any longer?" I love him very much, and I know he cares about me, I just think we jumped into this way to fast, and suffered a burnout, but the question is, how do we fix that? Can it be fixed? Any advice at all would be helpful, especially from someone who's been here before. Thanks guys! :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 8:29pm
I've learned that when someone says we should take a break, it means that they're too wimpy to say they want to break up. Breaking up is very final...but taking a break makes it sound like we'll get back together later. I think it means they want to break up, but are being 'nice.

My suggestion...if he's the one who decided that you needed a break, then it's on him to call you and get back together with you. You should date other men and move on, not sit around waiting for the phone to ring.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 9:05pm
My ex and I started out the same way - we confessed our love for each other after two weeks and spent every waking moment together (which really isn't a good idea, come to think of it). Things happened very fast and were great for a couple of months - until one day he said, "You're great, but I need to be away from you for a while." I was crushed. I was really in love with him and knew he loved me, but I couldn't understand why he was behaving this way. I was a wreck, and left him a note or something on his car (we had plans and I was wondering if they were still on - I just couldn't call him, it'd be too much like grovelling) and he called me. When I asked him, "Are you sure this is what you really want?", he said "No" and then told me he did it because we got too close and he got scared.

For some strange reason, men are afraid of happiness. Well, they are if happiness=marriage=commitment. Aha, there it is. Men are scared of commitment. It's the same old story - they say to themselves, "Wow, I could really be happy with this girl...I could really be HAPPY with this girl...I could REALLY be happy with this girl..." And just like that, "I could be happy" turns into "ACK! She wants me to marry her! Run! RUN!!"

Well, we got back together...and broke up two years later. Oops. But the point is, he sounds like my ex - afraid of committing...especially since he's so young. Sounds to me like he fell fast and it really freaked him out. If he comes back, hey, great. If he doesn't, don't cry about it. My ex did the same thing, and he turned out to be a huge butthead. Odds are, there's a more mature guy out there who can appreciate what you really mean to him.

Don't hang on - there are other fish in the sea just waiting for a worm to bite. Durr...that didn't sound good...you know what I mean. Realize that right now you're simmering on the back burner - and he could turn off the heat at any time, leaving you cold. Don't wait around for him. If his feelings for you are true, you'll find one another again. I wish you all the best....

-Goose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:46pm
You really can't "fix" this, hon. Your guy wants OUT... even if he tells you it's only temporary. You can hang on and hang on and hang on, but you can't make him feel any differently. He may be calling this a "break" because he wants to keep you on the backburner.. in case he changes his mind. That is not exactly fair to you.

Move on. Stop taking his phone calls every day. In fact, tell him that this was a very intense experience for you and you need some time to regroup. Ask him not to call you. It will be too confusing and painful for you to continue chatting with him every day, but then he doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

And I don't buy the "scared of commitment" argument. A man is just as capable of falling head-over-heels as a woman is. But if he doesn't fall in love, he might feel disappointed or even bored. The pursuit is over and he's not "in love." So he wants out of the relationship. It sucks, but that's the way it goes sometimes.

Or maybe you both are just so young that it's not a good idea to try and tie yourselves down. There are a lot of new people and a lot of experiences in store for you. You will be OK if you enjoy life, friends and dating, but not with the expectation that you HAVE to meet your future husband right now.

If you're not up to dating anyone else right now, don't. Just use this time to do things for YOU. Spend time with your girlfriends, your mother, your baby brother.. whatever. Do things you've been neglecting or that you've always wanted to do. Take care of YOU, and stop worrying about him so much.

Take care.