"Just Friends"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
"Just Friends"?
6
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 11:09am
I would appreciate some advice about an awkward situation that's developed between me and a male friend. For the last few months, I've been spending a lot of time with a guy that I met through work. We go out for drinks and dinner regularly, spend time at each other's houses, and talk on the phone most days. It felt to me a lot like we were dating--I was very attracted to him right from the beginning and felt the attraction was mutual. I never hid my feelings for him, but I'm pretty shy and, to be honest, was quite happy that we were taking things slowly and seeing what happened. Over the last couple of weeks, the relationship seemed to be reaching more solid ground. However, a few days ago he cancelled a "date" at the last minute and I initiated a discussion about what was going on between us. We talked for a long, long time and eventually it emerged that he is dating and sleeping with another woman. I was astonished and can't understand how he could have hidden this from me. He admits that he allowed and encouraged a certain amount of ambiguity to develop between us, but says that I always gave him mixed-messages so he never really knew what I wanted. I feel disappointed and hurt, and also feel angry that he lied to me. Since our original discussion, he's tried several times to get in touch with me, but I haven't yet returned his calls. . . I'm not sure if I can continue to be "friends" with this person, but don't want to end things completely. Also, I can't avoid seeing him at work. I feel like a bit of a fool. What's the best way to handle this situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 11:51am

Hi isabella,


I've been in this situation before and it's not a fun one! You initially got a response that you didn't like and since then, you've been hiding out. Do you know what he wants to talk about? It may not be something negative, so don't avoid the call. Meet up with him for coffee or something and get it all out in the open. It sounds like he had interest but didn't pursue you because of mixed signals. So I would suggest calling him back and seeing what happens in the conversation. To me, he probably didn't tell you about the other women because he was looking at you as a possibility. (I"ve done the same thing.)


If he makes it clear that nothing will happen between the two of you, then I would let him know you need to take a break from the friendship until your feelings clear and then drop all communication. If you don't take that break, it's possible you'll be in a vicious cycle with him. (Been there, done that... :( )


If you don't give this at least one shot, you'll always wonder what could have been so hear him out and go from there.


Hope this helps and please keep us posted.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 3:14pm

Hi isabella b...

At the risk of repeating some of the wise words brklynchik has expressed, PG would like to add his 2 cents...if that's okay?

First....I think you need to ask yourself (HONESTLY) if you want a friendship or a relationship with this gentleman? You might have enjoyed the S-L-O-W-E-R pace, but he might have gotten frustrated with you? So his alternative was to 'cool it with you' while getting HOT with somebody else!

Since the 2 of you have already talked (at length)...and you've chosen NOT to return his phone calls...it sounds like SPACE is what each of you needs? Rather than risk an awkward situation at work, why not write him a short (snail mail) note indicating that you aren't comfortable being FRIENDS right now?

Don't lecture...or try to make him feel guilty because he chose to sleep with someone else. Just state the fact that at the present time, you'd appreciate it if he'd stop calling you.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 3:56pm

If you want to return his calls, then do it. But you need to prepare yourself for the fact that all you may ever have with this person is friendship. If you can't handle that, then you need to tell him and end it. It's possible to do this but it's terribly difficult if you still have feelings for him. Give it time and if he's willing to communicate openly, use that opportunity to learn, not try to win him back.

Also keep in mind that you're now talking about a guy who's "allowed ambiguity" in order to spend time with you while dating and sleeping with someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 10:49am
Thanks for all the advice. We did end up talking again about our friendship and I guess that it helped. He's sorry and claims that since his long-term girlfriend broke up with him, he's been very messed up about relationships and was pretty much blind about what was going on between us. Perhaps he didn't mean to mislead me, but I'm having a hard time believing that he has been completely honest. I'd be interested to know if other people out there have had similar misunderstandings with friends of the opposite sex. I'm worried that I'm sending out "just friends" vibes to guys that I'm actually attracted to because I've been burnt in the past and friendship seems a bit safer and easier. As I said before, we were very flirty, were definitely going out on what seemed like "dates," and first got to know each other because he called me up and asked me out to dinner. How did I end up misreading this so badly? Why might he have ultimately just seen me as a friend and what can I do to be clearer in the future? Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:12am

I'm not impressed with this man. He was seeing another woman and was starting to develop a relationship with you simultaneously. Mixed-messages or not, he still needed to tell you he was dating somebody so you could make an informed decision.

Since you work with him, be cordial and nice but keep your conversations short, he's involved with somebody else. If he breaks it off with his girlfriend then you can revisit the situation at a later time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 11:20am

I just read your follow-up response so I will add something to my comment. Men that call you up and ask you out to dinner are calling for a date (where he pays for the meal) unless otherwise specified. You didn't misread anything. You might have had an inkling that he didn't want anything further if he failed to even attempt to kiss you at the end of the evening.

You have to watch some men, they use the dating framework to enjoy a vague romantic interaction (her flirtation and romantic enthusiasm for him) but they purposely fail to take the relationship further than a friendship. This way they aren't accused of cheating, nor do they have to put forth time, money and effort. The result is that a woman is left very confused about what is actually happening. This is what I think this guy was doing. He just accuses you of having a big misunderstanding and, hey, he wasn't really cheating anyway, but, yes, he was.

As I get older I see much more of this. My suggestion is to stay away from this type of guy.