Just a "little" question...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Just a "little" question...
24
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 8:34am
Hey everyone...I met what seems to be the "perfect" guy, but one problem...he's SHORT! I mean short. He says he is 5'4" but I am also 5'4" (actually 5" 3.5", if you want to get technical) and he is definitely smaller than me. I feel like a giant next to him, even in my flattest shoes (forget my chunky sneakers, waaah). Has anyone else had this experience and can offer some insight??? I hate to ditch him because of this, and he really, truly, seems to be everything I want otherwise, damn it! How could fate be so cruel?! Another nice thing is he's totally cool with it, before we met he's like, yeah, just so you know, I'm short. (Which was actually ok with me, but now meeting him, I just felt like when we were holding hands I was the "mommy", and he's 40!!! ) And he seems totally comfortable with it, doesn't seem to have any of the "little man syndrome" I've experienced with smaller guys. Plus, he REALLY has a nice build otherwise, works out a lot, just so damn small, I feel like I'm in munchkin land! Please, anyone out there also with a short guy? What do you think? Thanks! ; )

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 11:44am

My second ex-husband was my height (also 5'4") and it wasn't a problem for me. He had a very nice physique.

If his size is a turn off to you mentally then it will affect the bedroom eventually. I could say to you to see things differently and be more open, but ultimately, you have to date him and sleep with him, not me.

You can love him for who he is inside all day , every day, but if you are not attracted to him physically the relationship wont work. I don't advocate being shallow but everyone has an "off" button to something that could make someone not be physically attracted to someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 12:26pm
Hello again...thank you for responding. That is exactly what I am grappling with...I know myself very well, and I have tried in the past to "force" myself to be attracted (or more attracted) to someone. It's not that he is unattractive, not at all actually. But although it's not everything, the physical part of a relationship is very important to me and I admit there has to be a pretty big "wow" factor for me to get it to that level. I am afraid I will always be yearning elsewhere if I was with him. BUT, he is SUCH a great guy!!! A true gentleman, very kind, stable, into all the stuff I love, etc. etc. If I could put his personality in some of the other guys-I've-met-lately-bodies', I think I would really have found the perfect guy, as perfect as they can get anyway, lol. Plus all this is making me feel extrememly shallow, and I am afraid I am passing up a good thing based on one physical characteristic, yet I know I wouldn't be satisfied, blah, blah, blah...it is truly a vicious cycle!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 1:15pm
So you are into "bodies"..then you do have a problem. How many times have you been out with him? Is there anything about him that does do it for you physically? Like his face or his butt? Does his personality turn you on sexually at all? I don't mean "oh he's so nice", but sexually? I have dated and married men who all look different and have had different bodies and faces and for me, it is an individual thing - I could meet a 5'4" guy tomorrow and his height could bother me, probably because there is something "not right" about him and me together...period. Maybe this is a clue to you to pay attention to - just because he's "nice" and everything looks right on paper, doesn't mean he's right for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 1:47pm
Only been out one time, the first time, last night...I am wondering if it is more than his height. About 6 months ago I went out with a guy who was also a great guy and very into me but I couldn't look past the fact he was slightly overweight. I tried SO HARD to look past it, focus on his (good) qualities, but I fond myself almost becoming repulsed whenever he would just do something as innocent as hugging me...so forget anything sexual. A friend of mine was convinced something else was missing there and I was just using his weight as an excuse. Maybe that is what is happening here, I don't know. I admit (please don't slam me for this, it is something I am trying to work out!!!) physical appearance is extremely important to me, to where, yes, I turn down a lot of guys because I feel nothing if they don't excite me in that way. If it is not there, I CAN'T FORCE IT...I have tried and tried, no one "grows on me" if there is not that initial spark, no matter how hard I try. I just end up becoming extremely frustrated and resentful which is not fair to me or the guy. That is what I am afraid I would end up doing if I were to seriously start seeing this guy. Like I said in my first post, it is cruel, I do date guys I am extremely attracted to who are attracted to me too, but they are not at the level I am looking for at this point, don't want the same things, have the same interests, etc. For instance, I am seeing someone who is, to me, HOT HOT HOT, we have a great physical connection and are in fact good friends with a lot of common interests but he is dragging his feet over what he wants. If I could just combine him with last night's guy...sigh. I also admit I usually go for 20-somethings (I'm 35) because they are usually very attractive, and lots of fun...but their flightiness, instability and indecisiveness is getting old, so I have tried to "up" the age I date, but I am having a terrible time pulling myself away from the A&F type. One exception is Mr. Hot who I mentioned above, he is 37 but looks about 27, and get this, he's short too, 5' 5". It would be nice if he were taller, sure, but it doesn't seem to bother me nearly as much as the guy I met last night, so yes, maybe there IS something else missing. Maybe I am just destined to be single forever, who knows. I really think I am just impossible to please. Anyway, sorry for the long-winded post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 8:31pm

No slamming from me, so don't worry.

"physical appearance is extremely important to me, to where, yes, I turn down a lot of guys because I feel nothing if they don't excite me in that way." -- then you already know what you want. You have only been on one date with this guy and he may appear to be all the things you want inside, but who knows if when push comes to shove, he really is who he has presented himself to be in one date.

"If it is not there, I CAN'T FORCE IT...I have tried and tried, no one "grows on me" if there is not that initial spark, no matter how hard I try." -- you can only do what you desire to do. Don't beat yourself up for that. The guy who you really like is only 1 inch taller...so height may not be the real issue, like you have already figured out.

"A&F type" - does this mean attractive and fun?

"I really think I am just impossible to please." -- probably not, you are just particular. 20 somethings may be hot and cute, and look really tempting, but may leave you feeling empty inside, especially to a 35 woman.

Remember what Carl Jung said when you are in a position like this:
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed."

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:56am

Hey snafu2006, thank you so much for your insightful (and kind!) response...you bought up a lot of good points. Who knows if guy #1 is really all those things, one date is definitely not enough to know someone. Of course he (and me too) would show what appears to be the best of himself, so you're right, he may not be as perfect as I assume. I know he has been shot down a lot because of his height, he told me, so maybe he does know how to present himself in a way that may, or may not, be true. I am just REALLY frustrated, nothing ever seems to work for me!!! If I am really attracted to someone, he doesn't seem to have the essential non-physical traits going on, and if he does, I don't feel anything for him physically. It seems like it will never work out for me, and I'm feeling like that's it, I quit! Might as well just embrace my singleness and try to enjoy it. I just feel REALLY bad about myself, I pride myself on embracing what people are inside, but maybe I'M not what I seem because, when it comes to dating (anything else I couldn't care less what someone looks like)I put such an emphasis on physical appearance (by the way, A&F stands for Abercrombie & Fitch, lol, you know, the perfect males splashed all over that store, awesome bodies, gorgeous faces). 20-somethings are like junk food...soooooo good while you are having it, but then you feel real bad afterward and yes, empty in the long term.

Well, thank you again for your response!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 10:21am

You are welcome.

"Might as well just embrace my singleness and try to enjoy it." --- yes, enjoy your time with yourself while it is available, because one day you'll find the right combination of looks and personality in a man. Most people do find someone, so I'm sure you'll be among them.

"I just feel REALLY bad about myself, I pride myself on embracing what people are inside, but maybe I'M not what I seem because, when it comes to dating (anything else I couldn't care less what someone looks like)I put such an emphasis on physical appearance ." --- well, love also includes sex. Way back in time, women didn't marry for sex or physical pleasure. Now marriage includes everything for a woman, not just a roof over her head provided by a male who is looking for a good wife and mother. Men now have to satisfy our needs in bed as well if they wish to be a partner to us, so physical appearance, sexual attraction, chemistry, whatever you want to call it...means something to us. It is really all about finding the right combination in a person...and that is proving to be difficult for all people, men and women.

"(by the way, A&F stands for Abercrombie & Fitch, lol, you know, the perfect males splashed all over that store, awesome bodies, gorgeous faces)" --- thank you.

"20-somethings are like junk food...soooooo good while you are having it, but then you feel real bad afterward and yes, empty in the long term." -- hehehe...I know..they do fancy themselves acrobats too, hehehe...and they can be very sweet people. You know, just a thought...women always bash men for dating women half their age..and sometimes it is warranted - especially when it is because they have hangups about aging or insecurities about themselves so they hang out with trophy women so that people see them as more attractive...but....I can understand why they don't want to touch an old wrinkly body..because I can relate to that...and obviously so can you. Have ever noticed how when men reach a certain age...they lose their ass? What happens to that flesh? It was there once upon a time - but it doesn't hang over to their sides, like fat does - it just flattens out and goes away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:18pm

You are too funny!!! And very wise...seriously, you should write a book or something, you could be a great service to us women. Are you from Long Island, NY, by any chance??? You sound like a lot of fun to hang out with!

Yeah...the 20-somethings definitely think they are all that. But they can be so funny about it, sometimes it is so obvious they are trying to impress/please, it's actually kind of cute. And yes, they are sweet and lots of fun. So many of them want older women! I think women their age either don't like sex as much as them or are not as experienced, and from what they tell me are very demanding (buy me this, buy me that, call me 20x a day, etc.) But at this stage, I'd really like to settle down with one person for a while (doesn't have to be marriage, been down that road, not sure if I would again...)and I am seriously comtemplating whether I want kids or not (at 35, it's not like I have all the time in the world) and most of them are still at the just-want-to-have-fun-stage. So I try to up the age I date, and now look! And yes, what happens to the ass??? Where does it go anyway??? Just deflates like a balloon...soon to be followed by hiking the pants waaaay up (ICK!!!) Oh well, at least we can laugh about it!

Thanks again for the advice and laughs...I'll keep posting ; )

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 4:56pm
Yes, I think Snafu is cool:))
Snafu, I dont agree we all meet someone. I have been single for years since my divorce and am now going through the menopause so no man will want a long term relationship with me unless he is old and flat-assed!!!!!:)))
About that flat ass point....there are also many women my age with flat asses. It is to do with elasticity of skin and hormones and a lot of other stuff. My sport is Fitness so I get asked how to look good etc and I tell them the older you get the more work and time it takes. Expensive too. I work part time to train full time so hopefully I can compete next year.
My mother always says I should 'force myself' to be attracted to men who are seriously interested in me which narrows down the field somewhat:)
I wish I was 35 and had a bit of time to choose but I would just say stop being too choosy. I have seen even the most handsome men go bald over the years and in my sport mix with big hunky guys every day and don't even look at them.
What counts is what is inside; if he is kind and has some integrity. Those qualities seem in short supply nowadays.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 4:57pm

Thanks for the compliment...I can be kinda fun to hang with :-). I am originally from Queens, NY and now I live in the pit of America...which would be Florida. If you are not living here already, then do yourself a favor and stay where you are.

"And yes, what happens to the ass??? Where does it go anyway??? Just deflates like a balloon...soon to be followed by hiking the pants waaaay up (ICK!!!) Oh well, at least we can laugh about it!" -- hehehe the pants hiking up due to loss of ass....you are pretty funny yourself hehehe.

"But they can be so funny about it, sometimes it is so obvious they are trying to impress/please, it's actually kind of cute. And yes, they are sweet and lots of fun. So many of them want older women!" -- this is very true.

"I think women their age either don't like sex as much as them or are not as experienced, and from what they tell me are very demanding (buy me this, buy me that, call me 20x a day, etc.)" --- I think that some of 20 something girls are stuck in the biological clock ticking thing...so they are scouting for potential husbands and not focused on having fun. The others that are having lots of fun may not really be as comfortable with themselves as they appear to be. I'm 45 and at 35 I was already experiencing the comfortable-in-your-own-skin transition that happens to all people as they get older...I'm sure you are there as well.

"But at this stage, I'd really like to settle down with one person for a while (doesn't have to be marriage, been down that road, not sure if I would again...)and I am seriously comtemplating whether I want kids or not (at 35, it's not like I have all the time in the world) and most of them are still at the just-want-to-have-fun-stage. So I try to up the age I date, and now look!" --- settling down with one person is very nice and maybe this 37 year old guy is also thinking of that, but you mentioned that he is not sure what he wants right now - does that mean steady relationship or he is unsure about life in general? I know that I don't want kids and I don't regret it. To have kids means you have to completely change your entire life and priorities. And I know I don't want to turn my life upside down like that. I still want to come first to someone and I want to be babied sometimes too.

Right now I'm attempting to get over a crush (I don't know what else to call it because it makes no rational sense) because I attempted to make contact with the guy and he didn't return my emails. I never had a problem before...moving on from a crush because...it was just a crush. This isn't moving so fast. I don't like this. I am never like THIS. But the good news is that I wont ever run into the guy and he obviously will not contact me, so hopefully I'll be back in my old form soon. So I listen to some music this afternoon and there's this one line in one of the songs "All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid" ---and it just depressed me, uck!-- now I can't love the guy because I have never even spoke to him live and in person -- see this is where it makes no sense, that is why I call it a crush. Crushes allow the infatuation and love type feelings that are normally associated with actual relationships. But his words and his statements sound very much like me...(this is one of those "from afar" things)...like he would understand my mind...which is cool. But...I push away the irrational...because that is what I do. It is almost like we've known each other before and when we knew each other before we both agreed that the viewpoints and reactions to life we both think and feel are the way life ought to be lived. I really hope I'm back to normal soon.

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