Just a thought for women to consider

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Just a thought for women to consider
8
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:08pm
I have read quite a few posts over the weekend and the theme is the same over and over again. How do I make this relationship work. What can I do, so he will call me again etc etc. We put ourselves under a time limit. "oh my god, I am thirty and single". Nothing wrong with it. In our grandparents age, when the live expectancy was short, you were forced to get married at a younger age to ensure your kids were grown up and independent by the time you passed on. However, today, its a different story. Thanks to modern medicine you can lead longer and healthier life style then ever before. We have to change our attitude to reflect it. You have to learn how to march by your own tunes, so to speak. Don't ever become a second fiddle in someone else band. Women still change themselves so their potential mate can advance in their careers while they(women)sit on the side lines. You need your mate to support in growth just like you do the same to them. Life is a two way street. You have to give to recieve.

Women by nature, like to please. They get involved emotionally too soon and thus get hurt. Man by nature are beasts. They are animals. They don't think twice about the other persons feelings. A man sees nothing wrong with, screwing you and then dropping off from the face of this earth and moving on to their next prey. Its in their nature. The animal kingdom works the same way.

Look at hollywood, some of the most glamorous women, like Cindy Crawford, Hally Berry, Jennifer Lopez, Heidi Klum get pee'd on by their significant other. All these women are attractive, have money, they have everything at their finger tips, yet they can't find a significant other who respects them for being them. Heidi Klum, a gorgeous 32 year old super model, got dumped by a 60 year old disgusting men for a 19 year old. He even left her pregnant and now denies being the father of the baby. She could either sit and cry or just move on with life. What choice does she have.

As a result, us women have two choices. To either be a door mat and have them walk all over you. As a result you will be single for the rest of your life.

Or take charge of your life and have respect. Respect for yourself. Even though we live in the 21st century and the rules of dating are considered ancient. Its still the man who has an upper hand in where the relationship goes. You can raise hell and high water. If he is not interested, he is not interested. Done deal. You can't change it. You can agonize over it all you want but it won't get you anywhere in life.

What women need to do is, have self respect and self love. Love yourself first before you can love someone or someone can love you. Don't be afraid to say no. If you lose him, so be it. He wasn't worth it. Society puts too much pressure on women to have someone as a confidante. However, you need to be your own confidante. Women put their potential mates on a high pedestel. You need to put yourself on a high pedestel first.

Have confidence in yourself. Be secure about yourself and you will attract a potential mate who respects you and is worthy of your time.

In this day and age, young women like us need to learn how to be independent, how to take care of ourselves and educate ourselves. You can't rely on men to do it for you.

I don't want to lecture anyone and I know its a hard pill to swallow however its reality. I will end by saying, Love yourself first, have confidence in your self and your abilities. Be indepedent and then you will attract men who respect you for who you are, for your time and will love you for who you are!!

Any thoughts, don't be afraid to write back!!

Have a great day!!

Some one who learned it the hard way!! :-)




Edited 3/8/2004 2:27:27 PM ET by bigbanana2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:32pm
Amen, sister!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:44pm
I totally agree. However, it's hard for most women to realize that men ARE different. I think that even if we are strong and confident and love ourselves, if we just wait around for that perfect man then we will be single forever. So in a way we must give men the benefit of the doubt once in a while and realize that they are animals. But that they do have hearts and eventually they come around.

Us women do tend to be giving and want to please and we get very emotional because most men wont reciprocate the same. Not neccessarily meaning that they don't care, but they just don't think like us. It's really confusing and irritating at times, but my advise is also be strong, confident, and love yourself first and then you will see that even though a man can't reciprocate the same actions and feelings that it isn't your fault. And it is his loss when he walks away from a great thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:48pm
There is a lot of truth in your post. As women, we are responsible for our own happiness and security. It's not a man's JOB to come along and make us happy. And once we get into a "relationship" we must accept that the only thing we can control is ourselves... we cannot control men. We cannot blame them just because they are not interested in us.

And we do not have to accept bad treatment from someone beneath our standards for fear of being ALONE.

But I also hear an awful lot of bitterness in your words. Like your statement that "men are beasts who don't think twice about another's feelings." I think that kind of sweeping generalization is a bit extreme. Of course there are *bad* men who use and abuse women, and there are very decent men who wouldn't dream of hurting anybody. But I think most men fall somewhere in between.... They cross the spectrum of ideals, principles, and lack thereof.

I think it IS safe to say that, as a GENERAL group, men don't place as much *importance* on the sex act as women... meaning, they don't always equate it with love. Men don't readily assume that if you have sex you're a "couple."

But women also have to take responsibility for getting to know the men they CHOOSE to deal with. We need to learn and PAY ATTENTION to behaviors that are typical of a man who is only out out to get laid, etc. Most times, the man will let you know what he's after, if you care to listen and not IGNORE the messages.

Perhaps you have learned all these things by now, the hard way. If so, I hope your experiences have led you to more successful, fulfilling relationships with men.

But anyone who is carrying around a lot of resentment, fear, insecurity and anger toward men (or people, in general) should think about getting some help to deal with those feelings, because resentments will poison your life as an individual and as a partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:29pm
Modern medicine has yet to extend the bio clock much past age 40 - and for those of us who want children, that is a reality. 'Nuf said.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:31pm
Extremely well put. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:35pm
Wow, thanks. I appreciate you're taking the time to say that...


Edited 3/8/2004 3:38 pm ET ET by jilly73
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:51pm
I've been on this board for a few weeks and the one thing I'd like to say to all future women posters is this:

If your wondering if you should call him... The answer is NO.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:59am
Hi -- I just read your post, and while I think you made several good points -- for example, a woman must think that she is GOOD enough, and not need a man to make her something, you have a very simple view of the world. To view all men as being one way, is just as bad as sterotyping all women.

There is nothing wrong with working on a relationship -- relationships without nurture die.

As for your comments on celebrity relationships, you don't know what happened? Sometimes relationships don't work out, and it is both peoples fault.