keep getting dumped!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
keep getting dumped!
7
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 8:20pm
Hi! Well, 2 days ago, I experienced yet another man saying he does not wish to date me anymore, and just wants to be friends. About a year ago, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me, saying he felt something just was not right. I was heartbroken, and it took me a while to get past it. There was nothing that I could see wrong with what we had, except for the fact that he was 23, and I was 28, and maybe we were looking for different things. Anyway, since then, I have dated a lot of people, but it's always something. Something gets in the way, or they have an "issue" and tell me they need to end the relationship. The men I go for have all been very nice guys, come from a good family, no drug issues, nothing like that. But, there are always issues, or something stopping them. And, my intuition tells me that these reasons are lame excuses, and that there is really another, underlying reason they want to end it, but just feel bad about telling me. Anyway, so I dated about 3 men since (in the past yr), pretty seriously. And they all broke up with me. Each of them acted very very interested in the beginning, and I was not sure at first with any of them. With the two, I was not sure if I was even attracted to them at all. As time went on, their personality made me more interested. Anyway, I don't think I was seeming TOO interested at any point with any of them (well, maybe 1, but that was after 6 months). I don't play games, and I just want to be myself. I know they say you are supposed to let the man chase you, and not call, and not seem interested... But, I just act like myself, and don't want to play these games. The last guy broke up with me 2 days ago. He is divorced and has a 5 yr old. In the beginning, he seemed way too interested. It almost wigged me out, and I thought it was dorky of him. I was not too attracted to him, and in fact, I blew him off a few times, but he continued to call all the time. Finally, he grew on me, and I gave it a chance. I was not too thrilled with dating a divorced man with a child, but I thought, "hey, you never know." So, I reciprocated more. I didn't act overly interested in any way. I just called back soon after he would, emailed him a little more... That is all. Well, as soon as I reciprocated just a bit, he wrote me an email saying "I am not sure what I want in the dating scene, and don't know where my head is. Can we just be friends? That is what I want right now..." I was aggravated because I was the one who was not sure. I felt unsure all along, and he turns it around as if I did something to scare him away, when in fact, I was dating 2 others, and was not really interested. Why do I care then? Well, it's just because this always happens to me. They never want to stick around. I never have the chance to even break up with them. I consider myself a cool chick, and very casual , non demanding and VERY independent. I just know what i want, and that I would like to find the right person and settle down soon. Is it odd for someone to be dumped so much? I've had a lot of compatibility with every one of these guys, and never fought with any of them... Why does this keep happening to me???? Am I doing something wrong? I have probably broken up with 4 guys in my lifetime... And, got dumped more than 10!!! I can't take the heartbreak anymore!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:03pm
hi there,

nothing wrong with you... just kind of how the luck has landed upon you.

kind of the downfall of dating/relationships - getting dumped. but eventually there will be a guy who sticks around for the long haul and will connect and see all those wonderful things you see in yourself. And I think its great you are able to see this even after a break up.

Trust me, I'm there with you. Well Ive been dating alot of guys for awhile now. Off/on.. then goingon 3 dates or so and then ending. Its not exactly easy to understand why ...

but in the end i know i'm just learning as you are... and that is what makes it worth it.

Hang in there. Good Luck

*S

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 9:17am
Irishkt...I could of written your exact post....I am going through the exact same thing you are....and 2 days ago...I experienced ANOTHER man saying he doesn't wish to date me anymore either, but would like to be friends...this happens over and over again and makes me frustrated and sad...I get dumped more than I do the dumping.... :( I'm like you too...just want to be myself...I call if I want to call...e-mail if I want to...just my normal personality....but I swear I don't get it either what's been going on... :( If you figure it out....can you please share it with me?? :) lol...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:25am
are you picking the same "type" of guy over and over again?

Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 9:43pm
At least these guys are having the nerve to tell you that it's done and not just vanish on you. In the last 6 months I've had three vanishing acts and it's about to drive me crazy. First one was after 6 weeks so it just floored me. Second one wasn't anything too bad but the third has also thrown me for a loop.

None of these situations ever got to the intimate point - but nonetheless it's really giving me a complex. Friends are telling me that it's because I'm a successful beautiful and intelligent woman who hasn't found a guy secure enough to handle that. Nice as it sounds I simply don't buy it anymore.

I'm not picking the same type every time either. One was a blue collar worker who hadn't ever committed and didn't have much in the way of future plans for family (I know - red flag) but the other was a professional, educated, and eager for family.

All I know is I'm far too thin-skinned to keep taking this rejection - the fact that they don't even think enough of me to actually say "thanks but no thanks" makes the rejection sting that much more.

I went to the grocery store just now and a handful of good looking men were shopping and I couldn't even bring myself to look at them. I'm definately taking myself OUT of the dating scene for a bit cause it's always the same and every time it hurts more and makes me wonder "Am I THAT disgusting" ??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:07pm
I can sympathize with all of you ladies, too. I don't know what I do to these men to drive them off. It's not like I'm acting like that lady did in "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days." I'm just being myself: happy, funny, intelligent, confident, (but not over confident), and I try to be as honest as I know how to be. You'd think that these men would see all the nice qualities that my family and friends see... But they don't even give me a chance! If you guys/gals click on my nic, and go to my website, and click on "My Testimony," you'll understand where I'm coming from. I'm also tired of the "always the bride's maid and never the bride" (AKA: let's be friends) syndrome. It's either that, or "you're like a sister to me." Or how about, "you're cute," instead of "you're pretty," or "you're beautiful." PUPPIES ARE "CUTE!!" I also hate the following scenario: When you're not looking for love (AKA: when you don't look desperate), THAT'S when someone becomes interested in you. And you don't look desperate because of one of the following: you're in a relationship, you just got out of a relationship and are sick of men (or women) for a while, you have other projects that you're more focused on at the time. (Or you've pulled out of the dating scene, which I'm doing as... of... *checks watch* NOW!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 8:57am
I don't understand it either....and LOL...tjhlcs29....I love the movie how to lose a guy in 10 days!! :)

I'm just being myself also...I just don't get it....and I'm not one to play "games" either..maybe that's what I'm doing wrong...LOL...but I'm in my thirties...and feel that no one should be playing games at this age.....What frustrates me..especially with this last guy I dated...he was like...you're so pretty..I'm so attracted to you....I have such a good time with you..we have such great times and great conversation....and yet....he still dumped me...and it wasn't for anyone else or anything like that...the only thing I can think of and am holding on to is that he lives 2 hours away from me so that's what his problem was...LOL...(even if that's not totally it....that's what I'm going with to help me feel better...) but he wants to continue to get to know me and be my friend.....

This happens alot! I just don't get it...so if any of you ladies find out what the problem is...please be sure to share it with me!! :) :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:51pm
In your post you say "I was not that interested", "I was not that attracted to them", I called and emailed when I felt like it, etc. Maybe they are sensing that you are not really interested in them. We should all be ourselves in a relationship, but there are unspoken rules about how long to wait to email, call etc..in a relationship and at the beggininng IF there is ineterest there--both are calling back and forth, emailing, etc. I am no expert and cannot truly tell you why this is happening--even though by your own words I would say it's possibly because they feel you aren't truly ineterested in them.