Know why I have sex so soon? I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Know why I have sex so soon? I do.
17
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 1:23am
I find myself often having sex on the second or third date because it bonds me to a guy. Not to sound shallow, but until I have had sex, I don't feel that deep connection. I want to make sure he's not lacking either in size or technique, becasue then I lose interest and I personally don't want to invest alot of time seeing a guy if I'm not going to be happy with him sexually. I know it's not right that I'm like this, but how do I change? Because obviously, I must be scaring them off by having sex so soon, even though it's them initiating it. I want to turn over a new leaf, but I don't want to invest any time in a guy who may be a bore in bed, like my ex-husband was. Know what I mean?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 1:30am
Well, having sex too soon could be a 50/50 risk. Men are visual creatures and like to touch and feel. Women are sensitive and want to get to know the man before they touch him. It seems to me that you're looking for sexual gratification before an emotional connection. Your marriage lacked of good sex so it's important to you and that's nothing wrong with it. However, by having sex with a man there is no guarrantee that there will be a connection on his part, like you want to have it on your part. Perhaps, you could wait a bit more, get to know the man first for a few weeks and see if he is what you'd like outside of bedroom. If he is then jump into bed and take him for a test drive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 2:45am
If he's lacking in size, do you just stop right there and say "next"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 12:13pm

I can understand that you need to make sure that you are sexually compatible before you invest much emotionally and there is nothing wrong with being this way...so whoever told you that was not conveying anything constructive. But if YOU are not happy with the results you've gotten from having sex early in a relationship, then you'll have to make sure you don't spend alot of time alone with them and do things in public together and make sure he just drops you off at the door so you are not tempted to go further.

I don't think you would scare men off by having sex too soon. There is no magic formula to this. We are all in the same boat. Usually it's men who bond via sex, moreso than women. Women bond by having "quality time" with a guy. Usually that means alot of talking. And...I learned from someone once...that "daytime quality time" is different than "nighttime quality time". Did you know that? I didn't know that. But I guess to the woman who made a point of discussing this with a guy, when you do things together during the day, it means that you are in a more invested relationship. But I have done things daytime and nighttime with men with varied commitment levels and its all the same to me and I would expect to see a guy who I was dating day and/or night. Is daytime sex a criteria for commitment? I would not automatically think that it meant more of a commitment. Not based on my experiences. Maybe guys see it differently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 1:25pm

Whether to have sex with a new person and when to have it is a personal matter. I don't see anything wrong with it happening on the 2nd, 3rd, 4th date, but sometimes the bonding aspect of sex for a woman can make one less objective about the guy or the potential for a relationship with him. And I personally don't buy into the guys backing off just because of sex thing.

I tend to think that even considering that it's better to do it sooner rather than later if sexual connection and chemistry are on your priority list. No sense in wasting time with someone who's not what you're looking for, right?

That being said, if you think you're sabatoging things, you can always alter your behavior and see if anything changes. Even if you can't change what they do, you can always change what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 1:47pm

"Not to sound shallow, but until I have had sex, I don't feel that deep connection."

I think a lot of women get that feeling of having a deep connection only after they have had sex. I actually think that's why it's NOT a good idea to have sex with somebody so soon. Do you really want to have such a deep feeling of connection with somebody you've only been out with two or three times? That's not nearly enough time to get to know somebody. For all you know it, he could be a jerk who likes to hit women, but knows how to fake being a good guy during the first few dates.

There's really only several possible scenerios that can happen if you have sex with a guy soon.
1. He loses interest in you. Maybe he was just in it for the sex, or maybe he was never that interested in you to begin with. Regardless, he ends up wanting to stop seeing you. I'm not going to tell you that he would have stayed interested if you hadn't slept with him. A lot of times the guy would have lost interest regardless of whether or not you did. HOWEVER, if you hadn't slept with him and didn't have that feeling of deep connection, it'd be a lot easier for you when he lost interest. By having slept with him so soon all you did was make the situation more difficult for yourself.

2. He remains interested in you, but you discover that he's not what you want. Like I said before, he could turn out to be a real jerk, or you could see that the relationship isn't going to work for some other reason. If you'd waited before sleeping with him to find out more about him, it's likely you would have caught it sooner. Since you're feeling such an emotional bond with him after sleeping with him though, it's likely you're not going to want to see what's wrong with the guy. Once you do, it's also going to be a lot more difficult to leave the relationship after you've slept with him and felt that connection.

3. He remains interested in you, and he turns out to be what you want in a guy as well. That means you're probably going to be together for quite a while. In that case, would it have really mattered if you'd waited a while longer before sleeping together? You're still going to have a long time to enjoy each other.

4. You wait a while before sleeping together, everything else in the relationship turns out to be perfect, but then he sucks in bed. Well, if things are really going that well and you've waited a while, then hopefully by that point, you should be able to talk about it. My boyfriend and I were good friends for a long time before we got into a relationship, and I've got to tell you our sex life is much more interesting than in previous relationships. That's because we were so comfortable with one another, that we could share our fantasies and experiment with things we couldn't with other people. You're assuming that what a guy is like in bed after the second or third date is what he'll be like in bed after you've been with him for much longer, and that's not necessarily true. I'm not saying that it can't happen. Some guys might really might be that incompatible with you in bed, and others might just be too selfish to worry about pleasing you and keeping things interesting. Hopefully, if you've taken the time to get to know a guy you could at least eliminate the selfish ones before you've reached that point. As for the ones that are really just incompatible, well, it's always a risk that you'll run into that. But there are a lot of risks in a new relationship. Personally, I'd rather take the time to get to know a guy and eliminate the other risk FIRST for all of the reasons I mentioned above.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 1:53pm

Being sexually compatible doesn not mean a man is a good match for you. He can be great in bed but an absolute jerk. And he could also be small in size and be a fabulous lover. I'm all for having a good sexual chemistry as part af a good relationship - but it seems you are using the wrong criteria to judge whether or not a man is a good relationship candidate.

It is entirely possible to find a good man who is also sexually compatible with you. You are looking for sexual compatibility and so far, it seems you haven't found the 'good man' part. And more often than not, having sex right away conveys "good time girl" rather than relationship material.

Hon, you asked this question because something isn't working in your MO - so change it. Hold off on having sex for a while aand get to know a man a little first. Sexual chemistry is either there or it isn't - and when you wait a little while, you give both of you the chance to see each ohter as complete individuals.

If you continue to use how good someone is in bed as a measure of how good a partner they might be, you'll very likely end up with more ONSs and short, no-strings sex situations. This will take a huge toll on your self esteem and belief in yourself.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 5:35pm
Thanks to everyone for your advice. I am certainly going to try waiting a little longer from now on. Size was never an issue until the last super stud I dated who totally brooke my heart. Maybe I can go back to size not being an issue again, and like someone here said, if I do start to get serious with a guy who treats me well, we can talk honestly about what we can do to improve our sex together. My ex-husband sucked in bed, but in the beginning I was smitten with him, so I guess it's just as possible to feel that for someone who will treat me well and be good in bed. Maybe my attitude needs a big adjustment, I'm sure it does. I am also working on my self-esteem issues, which I seriously have, so maybe when I believe in myself more, I will be able to see a guy without the rose colored glasses on, and maybe holding off on sex for a little longer will help me to achieve that. Thank you all again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:54am
I like Rosewater's post a lot.
All the guys I had sex with too early disappeared immediately afterwards. None of them ever stayed the night and the minute they'd done it were grabbing for their clothes and then out of the door.
So I learned the hard way that I would rather keep my self respect than be used for sex and dumped. Men do not respect women who have sex with them too early. Nothing has changed about that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 10:38am
I have had some different experiences than you. My two ex husbands were not like that. They did not equate early sexual encounters with lack of respect. But, many guys do see it the way you have experienced it. I hope there are guys still out there like my two exes because it has been over 6 long years since I have had sex and some poor schnoock is going to get it taken out on him over and over until I feel I have made up for the last 6 years. So I am not waiting if I don't want to. You shouldn't either. Why should we suffer?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2000
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 12:00pm
I do!

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