lack of commitment

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2003
lack of commitment
5
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 1:03pm
Hi A few months ago I found out my boyfriend of 6 months then had been seeing his ex at her house twice a month or so all the time we had been courting. He stayed with me every weekend. I finished the relationship. He wrote me mails asking to stay friends. After 6 weeks I strted seeing him again. We are going for relate counselling. I had already at xmas asked him to move in and he said yes but has a house to do up and sell. He just never gets much done. I get on at him or he does nothing then he will do a bit but I cant see no real effort. When I have apoligised for going on he says he needs the push. Now I have told him this week I dont think he is committed as if he was he would get on with it so we can have a future. I have gone on a bit this week as Im feeling very frustrated. I need commitment more than ever from him. He says I hurt him going on and he wants an easy lifenot this and he is getting on. He is saying I should trust him to get on. How long should I give him or is it best I say nothing and go for the counselling first. I do know he lacks motivation in doing diy as his last girlfriend told me he never did anything to the house and he also has an empty house wich needs sorting out too. That has been empty 6 yrs. He pays all the standing charges for the bills and is losing money but he doesnt seem to mind even though he has a bit of debt. He is a lovely person otherwise and is willing to0 go to relate. He says he finds it hard to get close to someone. He was married 14 yrs and with someone 6 yrs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 1:15pm
tophat2001...

You probably don't want to hear this, but most men who have been in a long-time marriage as well as a long relationship ARE VERY NERVOUS when it comes to trying a 3rd time! The expectations YOU might have from us might be impossible to "pull off?"

There's always the chance this man will get his act together if you give him a little space? Then again...he might be thinking: "Is this what she'll be like after we're married?" And the last thing ANY MAN will do is walk into that trap! We'll exercise our option to run as fast as we can in the opposite direction!

You seem to want more stability, but you might have chosen the wrong man to provide it? And if this is the case...stick to your decision to let the guy go...and find someone else who will 'adapt himself to your standards of living!'

Pianoguy



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:09pm
Hi thank you for that reply. Interesting. I have decided counselling is worth a go. He tells me he wants what I want. I will try not to go on about the work but I do find it hard. You are right I do want stability and he says he will give me that once his house sells but I think he tells me what I want to hear. I have let relationships go in the past as I knew they wernt for me but I really love this guy so it is difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:23pm

I think it's an excellent idea to go to relationship counseling with him.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:48pm
Thank you for that. I am going to back off and see what counselling does. I dont want to spoil things. I just hope I am not doing this for nothing. I have been thinking of maybe going out a bit with friends so I am not concentrating too much on us. Not sure if he will think I have lost interest after backing off and going out but I cant just wait around and let this get to me. Does any one else have any suggestions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 6:03pm
Hmm...I think your post says that he's been your bf for 6 + a few months. Do you really think this r/ship has potential if you feel the need to seek councelling so soon? I can't help but think "this is suppose to tbe honeymoon phase"! You "work on it" when you are married and committed...I know you love him but I have loved men who just weren't good "fits" for me long term. Or maybe you are just pushing too hard, too soon...you said you were talking about moving in at xmas...and that was right at the beginning. Why not just relax on the "commitment" and enjoy what you have? I don't get the need for the rush...but that's JMHO...