Language Barrier - Help......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Language Barrier - Help......
2
Mon, 08-22-2005 - 7:12pm

Hi Folks..

This might sounds really silly but I am having trouble in my relatonship because of a Language problem! My bf of 5 months comes from a background where they don't speak english (although he speaks good english). All his close friends speak this language, and his parents speak this language. If he meets new people who belong to his community (and he meets a lot of them) he speaks in this language. And he told me that it is second nature and that he wouldn't be comfortable speaking in English as they won't understand and will find it odd.

It's terrible that I am thinking that "he gets to understand every little word that I speak with MY parents and friends, and I cannot understand anything when he speaks on the phone or in person with his parents and friends!" I feel like I am missing out on the details.

We are thinking of a long term relationship leading to marriage, but this problem is making me consider abandoning the relationship altogether. I am always resentful and extremely paranoid about my to-be future IN-LAWS speaking in this language to him, right in my presense and me not knowing what they are talking about! I am scared that they will gossip right in front of me. I will not have any upper hand here, and would just have to sit there with a silly smile on my face letting them take advantage. I don't want such a situation. His father knows english, but not his MOM. And I am paranoid about mother-in laws and what stress they can cause.

I cannot learn this language as it is difficult and I am not fascinated about learning languages like some other people. I have tried. It's really difficult. Apart from a few words here and there, I don't know anything. It is too much work.

What should I do..?
Is it fair for me to request him "Please don't speak in this language anytime I am around". And should he agree to such a request. Does he have a right to refuse this request?

I will look forward to your inputs and thoughts on this.
It's really making me wonder if I can live with this major issue for the rest of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 2:41am

Now, that is a very intriguing problem. Don't take my word for it, but my instinct tells me that this may be a subject upon which you both will have to compromise. A, uh, rather BIG subject. It's difficult enough coming from different cultural backgrounds -- heck, I was raised Catholic and went to my first Jewish seder at my boyfriend's mother's house! -- but, as with most things, this requires communication. Be honest with him about how you feel; tell him that, "Hey, you know, I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of stuff..."

There's a fine line. I don't think it's necessary that you learn the language, especially if you don't feel quite empassioned to do so. Just realize that it's one of the more prominent differences between you two, try to embrace the culture, and, hey, be thankful for the times that you can't understand what those nasty fights are about! All the best.

*~Lizzle~*

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 8:55am

My Czech mother used to speak to her mother in Czech. My last boyfriend was Mexican. Even if you aren't speaking the King's english I can always tell when somebody is talking about me from their gestures and composure. Nobody is that good an actor.

I wouldn't sweat this one.