Learning how to date?
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| Fri, 12-30-2005 - 9:10pm |
I am 30 years old, just out of the only relationship i've ever known. we were together since we were 18 on and off. now it is off for good, and i'm just completely at a loss. i want to date, but i literally don't know how. during our "off" periods i have been with other men, but in a very casual way, never in an actual dating situation (i.e. college parties).
i dont really think i've even been hit on in the last 5 years. well, that might be an exaggeration, but i haven't been asked out on a date (other than by the ex).
now that i'm 30 i'm concerned that to keep up, or even get started in the dating game i need to lose 100lbs, get a neck lift and think about botox. i'm only slightly kidding. i know i'm not "Old" but i'm sure not 21 anymore.
i dont go to parties anymore. i dont go to bars very often. all my friends are married. how do i meet someone? how do i get someone to ask me out? or how do i ask a guy out? where do i find this guy? i dont even feel like i know how to flirt properly!
please, advice!

Hi Wendy,
If you're serious about the weight loss, join me in Weight Watchers! :o) It's a great
Hi there!
Don't despair: two years ago (and at the age of 31), I found myself in your situation (after a 7 1/2 year relationship; like you , my only one by that time; I hadn't dated before that either). To make things worse, I am European (which means that we don''t have a concept of "dating", not in the American sense of the word -- I moved to the US in 1998 though)So here I was, 8 years older, 35 lbs heavier, and feeling times "less pretty"-- to put it mildly -- than when I was 23). And now I am doing fine, dating wise: haven't lost any of the weight, and am not in a LTR either, just dating, but I got a lot of support/coaching from friends and boards like this (wonderful place to learn about all things dating) and the online dating board here). I know it is easier said than done, but my change started within: I know I deserve to be happy and I couldn't be happy with my ex (we are still good friends though), and I know that dating is an opportunity to find somebody to share my life with -- as a girlfriend put it "every break up brings us closer to the man we are really looking for" (and yes, I had to do it: broke up with somebody I dated for 5 months). On the other hand, I also know that "having a man -- or not having one for that matter -- is not going to change how I feel about myself and how happy I am in general...
So, even though I am, tefchnically speaking overweight, I am just open and approachable and chat with people (hey, I have no idea how to flirt either... just being interested in what they do, who they are, etc. is enough I think, smiling doesn't hurt either...). I also realized that thinking about dating as just an apportunity to meet people (I am online dating too: made two good friends in the process, "no romantic success" though), without the pressure of Ï need to find the one ASAP". This approach seems to work amazingly well and has helped me built up my confidence. I was really surprised to see that while I didn't (objectively speaking) look better, men are interested ( I guess there's something appealing about being confident and relaxed at the same time).
All that said: I don't use any special "rules"and "tricks" (like don't respond to an email the same day", to keep them interested and create intrigue or "don't ask a guy out"): I f I am interested, I do it... SO, being ourselves, I think is the best approach...
As for Online dating: to get men's attention, I relaized that it is really important to craft your profile carefully, and have good pictures. I saw dramatic increase in responses by just revising my profile and posting better photos: I read up on what makes a good profile (Match has good advice, and you don't need to be a member to go through their archives). After revising my profile, from 1 wink a month, I went to 2 emails a week and a wink every other day... (and I saw a dramatic decrease in freaks contacting me -- a major problem previously)
One final thing (and sorry if I sound condenscending): in my case, I went through a lot of turmoil and heartache during my first dating relationship aftrer the break-up (the five month guy; and I don't think I was on a rebound), because i had become too invested too early, too committed and too blinded (just becasue I was so desparate to find love!!!), so if I am in any position to give advice, that would be to focus on HOW and IF they are good for you, rather than on if they are into you (of course they have to be interested, but all I could think of was: "Wow, this great guy is so into me...", all my energy will go there...)
Well, all the best of luck to you!
thanks for the advice!
i do plan on spending a while just getting my "head together" before i start actively seeking out men. if i meet someone along the way, great, but i know i have some emotional work to do for myself.
the clubs and online suggestions are good ones. i have gone as far as making an online profile but haven't actually put my pic up or tried to contact anyone. i guess i'm still getting used to it. there's still that stigma that online dating is wierd, and i guess i'd be embarrassed if certain people knew i was dating online! of course, then those people would have had to go online too.. but you know what i mean.
i am looking forward to getting continued support from ivillage, everyone is very nice and helpful!
thanks!
p.s. just out of curiosity, what do you mean about Europeans not dating, in the American sense? don't Europeans date? or is it all just very open? hows that work? :)
Hi, glad to hear you find some of my musings useful :)) -- what you have described really resonated with my experience. Well, I can't generalize about ALL Europeans. I am Bulgarian, and I have only lived in England for half an year (besides my living in the US), but, based on my country's cultural norms and and my experiences, I think that people always meet people through friends, and all this only in the context of group gatherings: the concept of blind date doesn't exist in Bulgaria -- may be because the friends/family groups are so tightly knit, when friends want to set you up, they host a party and invite the other person, or organize a get together/movie seing event, etc. for you to meet the "prospect" ... In Bulgaria the "sizing up" of the potential partner happens in group meetings like this (ranging in number from one to three-four "group dates" . So, the initial weirdness is assuaged by the presence of friends... This is not necessarily good or better than the American way...actually it is a drawback: people (of either gender) rarely approach strangers (and the men who have approached me in the past have been real creeps!!! so "don't talk to strangers"is a major dating rule in my country -- this, as you can imagine, has made it very difficult to talk to strangers in "unstrucutred settings" (a party is OK, somebody chatting me up in the supermarket used to freak me out big time...) Well, you do talk to strangers back home, but becasue of the more "pedestrian/public transit -oriented culture, it is somebody you run into all the time... you chat, do small talk, grow comfortable with each other , start flirting (I am talking about 4-5 encounters here) and then may be you get asked out -- when somebody asked me out here for the first time -- the supermarket guy in question, I freaked out and plain ran!!! :)
Well, to recap, the Brits have this weird joke about two strangers (from two different ships) getting stranded on the same tiny island after their respective ships have recked. So, when they were rescued 10 years later, the crew of the ship that found them was stunned to learn they still didn't know and didn't talke to each other (even though they had crossed paths), because, as one of them explained "there was no third party to introduce us!" ;) Now imagine what that means in the dating world, back in good old Europe -- or Bulgaria at least!!! ;))
Well, all the best of luck!
It's certainly frightening to enter the dating world after being with someone for so long. However you are by no means "old."
Why don't you get a makeover - new clothes, you want to look as good as possible?
Also do volunteer work, join clubs, go on trips - do things you enjoy. Meeting people in the course of your life is the best way to meet people. Then it's more natural. Speaking of - be yourself.
Also read some books beforehand on getting back to the dating scene, and talk to women and if possible men who've made the same plunge.
best of luck
sherry