Lied About Being Married

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2011
Lied About Being Married
2
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 7:53pm

I started dating this guy and the topic of marriage came up a few times. I am still legally married but separated for almost a year. He knew this. I heard he was married and asked him. He would say that he was then a few minutes later say it was a joke, it was a running joke with us, him being married but he'd always say he wasn't. I finally heard someone else say he was so confronted him. He denied it at first then the next day I saw him he admitted he is married. 

He said he married her 8 months ago on a whim, a week after they got married she was offered a job in another country. She told him she was taking it and left him, said she'd visit him but never came back. He was heart broken but decided he is going to divorce her. He told me he didn't want to admit it to me because he was afraid I would not date him. I told him I don't like liars and he lied right to my face. When we would spend time together he brought up marriage, kids and how he wants a family. He mentioned teaching me his native language so I could talk to his mom. He really acted like he was serious about us. 

I want to try and give him another chance or the benefit of the doubt but I know that phrase once a liar always a liar, and he could be lying about more than what he said. It really sucks because I haven't trusted anyone ever like I trusted him, I didn't even trust my husband when we dated. I had a genuinely good gut feeling about this guy and I still do but I know it is probably the stupidest thing to do, giving him another chance. I need advice. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 10:31pm

As Maya Angelou says, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." He has shown you that he will lie to someone if it benefits him. Marrying someone on a whim? He's someone who makes hasty decisions without maturity and intelligence. Heartbroken only 8 months ago, but not he's ready to jump into another relationship without tying up the loose ends of the last one by actually getting a divorce. Only if he were the last man on the planet would I consider him as bf material. Guys are good at leading women on with those future promises when they barely know them, because they know women eat that stuff up like Hershey kisses. Don't buy it, and in this case the bad outweighs the good. Move on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-12-2013 - 9:54am

Nothing is as black and white in life  as 'once an 'anything', always an 'anything', imho.

How long have you been dating?

I don't know... what he describes (assuming it's the truth) is not so much a marriage as such, imho, as a mistake. Wrong impulsive decision. I understand his reasoning - that you'd not want to date him if you'd known.

My ex-h didn't tell me about his then 15 y old son until 6+ months into the r-ship. That he's now an ex has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with it.

When I met my dh 10 years ago he told me he was single. He wasn't, strictly speaking - he was in the process of breaking up with his then gf. I could have cried: 'baggage!! lies!! too soon to date again!! go away and come back when you're all sorted!!'. I didn't. 10 years later, we could not be happier.

Depending on how it goes..I'd give him a chance. I can't see how a mistake like this, and then not wanting to divulge it too early in a new promissing r-ship is any kind of huge sin. We're all human...