In limbo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In limbo
8
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:41am
I am 6 months seperated after a 20 year troubled marraige. I have no doubt that I made the right move, (I asked him to move out after trying everything to make the marraige work). For five years now, I have been friends with a guy who does contract work at my job. For the first several years we talked at work and had lunch together once in a while, and we always got along great, though we never spoke about our current personal lives. In July, when I began to show the stress from my crumbling marraige, he stopped in more and more often, and we began to hang out together once in a while on the weekend. He always stopped in to see how I was doing, and really seemed interested in what was happening in my life. In October, when my husband moved out, he was there to help me move furniture and took me out every Saturday night. My feelings for him have changed over the last six months from friendship to something much more. We have never had any type of physical relationship other than his holding me during a very stressful event concerning my family. (I relive that moment and know that I held myself off from him) He lives alone and works alot of hours, but he is always there if I call him. I guess that is the thing, if I call him. He still stops in the office to talk to me when he is on campus, and everyone thinks we are dating. But for the last several weeks we have gone from going out every Saturday to every other Saturday. He will call late in the afternoon and either ask if I want to do something or tell me that he is tired or hurt his back (ok, so it happened twice in the last four weeks). I know I used to shy away from him physically, but now I do not know what to do. I do not want to lose him as a friend, but I am getting so frustrated. I do not know if I gave him a message that I needed a rescuer and that is all he needs to be or what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
In reply to: shamrock306
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:29am
Let's do the math:

I have been friends with a guy who does contract work at my job+We always got along great+My feelings for him have changed over the last six months from friendship to something much more+he was there to help me move furniture and took me out every Saturday night+he is always there if I call him+I do not want to lose him as a friend, but I am getting so frustrated+We have never had any type of physical relationship other than his holding me during a very stressful event concerning my family+I relive that moment and know that I held myself off from him+I know I used to shy away from him physically, but now I do not know what to do+I do not know if I gave him a message that I needed a rescuer and that is all he needs to be or what?

=

It's your move.

He has been in the holding pattern and respecting your need to negotiate your feelings regarding your marriage, etc. You resisted his overtures, he decide to wait. If you want to be closer, you should tell him you've changed your mind. If you do not do it overtly, you may find him to be very uncomfortable with subtle overtures. He has a lot invested here and he is a patient man. He is not going to blow it in a lustful moment that could be used as a lynch pin to undermining all of his efforts. And, it may take him a bit to wake up and accept that you are really ready for all of this. Then he has to shift the way he has forced himself to interact with you while waiting.

This is complicated stuff to him. Maybe you can reach out to him and let him know how much he means to you, if that is the case. Maybe you can make it a bit easier for him now by changing the way you interact with him too.

You guys have to smash the mirror and change the whole thing around. You have to go to the amusement park and ride the roller coasters and the fast rides. You have to eat cotton candy and spill mustard on your shoes, you know?

But change it, all of it, or it will always be somber. And don't stop having constant fun for at least 3 years.

That ought to do it. You have to start it. He has waited and if you like him, it's your serve.

That's my take.

dh

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
In reply to: shamrock306
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:45am
Since you are still married - and you are right - right now you are needy and that is totally understandable - tell him that you understand that you probably should not be involved romantically with anyone until at least a year after your divorce is final and that you cherish the friendship you have developed and how supportive he has been and you hope you can continue to see each other - platonically - and perhaps after your divorce is final, you are no longer married and you are single for at least a year you will see where you are both at and take it from there. I think he is doing the right thing by being self-protective given your circumstances and you need to be self-protective and selfless with respect to his feelings.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: shamrock306
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 12:40am
Both of the replies to my post make some sense. I am just so gun shy right now. I have had people tell me to take the leap but I am afraid I am going to scare him way off. I have also had others tell me that they can see how he cares for me so I should take my time and get back on my feet first. I know it is too soon to make a commitment to anyone, when I haven't even gotten comfortable being on my own. He just seems to be distancing himself from me lately, and I am not sure why. I do not want to lose him as a friend, but I am not sure how I am gonna feel when he finds some woman and starts dating her. No, I do know how I am going to feel, crushed!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: shamrock306
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 12:53am
Wow dh, you don't mince words do you? Sometimes I want to do just as you say and throw the consequences to the wind, but I have been hiding behind a wall for so long now, that I am afraid it will all fall on my head. My ex was not a communicative person and I tried to be, but I got lied to so often that I began to stuff all of my feelings inside. An ulcer, stress excema and high blood pressure is the result, as well as a barrier so thick I don't know how to remove it.

My "friend" listened to all of these problems of mine and more, but it seemed like I only felt "worthy" of calling him if I had a reason. Hence, he became my rescuer. I am now palm sweaty and nervous when I call him if I don't have a problem. I am so afraid of being rejected that I am trembling now even writing about it. The worst part is that he calls me less now that my problems have subsided and I am getting stronger dealing with the day to day of being seperated. I don't know if he is giving me my space because he doesn't have a clue as to how I really feel, or if he is feeling relieved that he doesn't have to support me day to day. Just sitting in the movies last weekend I watched his hand on his knee more than I watched the movie. LOL, I sound and feel like an idiot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
In reply to: shamrock306
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 7:21am
Realize, and be thankful, that you have your head on straight. Here is what I would do - if you feel that you could not handle him being with another woman, I would tell him what I advised in my last post and add somewhat apologetically, that you don't see how you can remain in contact because you have developed feelings for him. Of course he is "allowed to" and should date but I agree with you - you don't need to see it or hear about it. Your feelings probably mean you cannot be friends with him right now. And understand that if you are meant to be together you will be - yes, you risk that he will meet and fall in love with someone but I guess then you have to accept that it was not meant to be.

I know, it is so hard - but I think that it will be harder if you stick around and have to hear all about his dating, yes?

Have a good holiday,

Deena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
In reply to: shamrock306
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 9:46am
Sounds like you are somewhat adjusting your life and the way you act in order to get a result from him. You now are dissapointed that you are not achieving your result. Which is fine, but what is the result that you want from this relationship?

Do you want to date him? If you do, then be up front about it. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel about him. I took this chance with my girlfriend and our relationship took off like a rocket.

Regarding his unavailability...

It is quite possible that now that you are available, he may be losing a bit of interest because he never intended it to get this "close to home". BUT.. please remember, if he lives alone, he is probably weak in knowing how to be a friend or boyfriend. Take it a day at a time, but tell him how you feel about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: shamrock306
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:04am
Thanks for all of the advice. I had my mind set that since this was the odd weekend, he would call and give some kind of an excuse for not going out. But, alas, I was wrong, he called in the late afternoon and we went out. (I know, I know I am a sucker) Jeez, what is wrong with me???

I had been convincing myself all day to tell him that we had to talk. Either way...if we weren't going to go out because he had a "reason" I was going to ask him if he was avoiding me, or trying to break the "habit", or something stupid along those lines. If we did go out, I swore to myself that I would tell him that I was surprised to hear that he wanted to hang together, that I assumed he wouldn't be up for it. I was going to let him know that I feel like he is trying to ease me out. But, did I???? NOPE. I am such a wimpy dope.

We went out, played pool, (I beat him 2 of 3!)went for a short walk and had dinner. He was pretty chatty, and he talked a bit more about his family than he usually does. I told him I wasn't exactly looking forward to Easter, because I knew it was going to be a stessful family day. He commiserated with me, and told me that it might not be all I wanted, but that if I was expecting it, I could bear it.

Later Sunday night I e-mailed him that I was right and the dinner was a bomb. Within minutes he called me, (as usual on my cell phone), but I missed the call and got the message a few minutes later. He said that I should call him, he'd be in the rest of the night, (well, it was 10 o'clock, where else would he be?) or he would see me at the office the next day because he was working there for a few hours. I DID NOT call him back, nor did I rush to the office today.

When he came into my office a while after I arrived, the first thing (after hello, how are you doing today?) he asked was if I had had lunch. So, I went to lunch with him, had a few drinks and fully intended to say SOMETHING, but there were people I knew at the nexct table. So, all in all, we had a nice long lunch and he brought me back to work.

AND, I still know nothing! I have decided that I am so afraid of rejection and his laughing (albeit, behind my back) that I will probably never tell him what I feel. And I feel strong, very strong, that these are true feelings, not "rebound" induced. Woe, is me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: shamrock306
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:46am
OK, dh, I have been rereading the posts here, and tell me please...how do I take the next move without making an a** out of myself. What if he were only comforting me, what then? What if he thinks I am nuts? What if he jumps outof his skin if I make a move? I have no guys I can ask about this.

Gee, funny all my friends are married and are just getting used to me being single again, in fact, the ones that knew me and my husband for a long time are waiting for the "reconciliation" NO WAY!

I have recently tried to change the way I interact with him, I am honest about how I feel about rejection from anyone.....I am a miserable wuss, when it comes to putting mysself on the line. For the longest time, even looking him in the eyes made me tremble, now ai force myself to make eye contact.

Short of jumping his bones, tell me how! I panick when my first reflex is to hug him to say goodnight, or to touch his arm at the movie...I am jumping out of my skin. The last ten minutes in the car on the way back to my house, I get all tounge tied and talk like a rambling idiot. HELP!!!!!