living single in a couples world

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
living single in a couples world
16
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:48pm

I'm a attractive professional woman never married, no kids in my early 30's. problem is I cant find anyone to date long-term. After my last long-term relationship ended badly, I have met guys but later only was interested in them as a friend. After 1 or 2 dates I am either not attracted to them or just not compatible in lifestyle or interests.

The guys I am interested in seem only to want to date models or rich celebrity look alikes or are just looking for a fling. About everyone I work with is married, or in a relationship. So are most of my friends outside of work. I'm so tired of feeling like the odd man out. I know there's probably other women in my same situation but I feel like its not getting any better. And I just cant settle for someone that I dont have real feelings for. any tips/advice??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 10:30am

summer_71...

Pianoguy's first inclination (after reading your post twice) was to send you an email which included his phone number! Unfortunately, there was no ivillage profile on you to reference so PG decided to answer your question here instead!

I think it's frustrating when anybody (male or female) wants to be with somebody, but for one reason or another...CAN'T! However, you might want to ask yourself if your personal standards are 'unrealistic?'

You indicated that you start off dating individuals, but get bored by date #2! This either indicates a hidden desire to "keep looking"---or the possibility that you're more comfortable being on your own? Sharing a life with someone (regardless of whether it's by marriage or in a FWB situation) requires a period of adjustment...along with the ability to relinquish some of your 'singleness' in favor of the person you think you want to be with?

Here comes the reality check:

As much as many singles claim they want a partner...the HONEST TRUTH is that they can't handle "sharing their lives" with anybody else! It doesn't make him or her a bad or a selfish person. Just more 'in sync' with their feelings!

Here's another thought:

Contrary to what you (or any other ivillage ladies) might believe---all men AREN'T strictly interested in MODELS or ATTRACTIVE ACTRESSES! We definitely prefer women who can offer honest feelings for us. This includes TRUE LOVE, SINCERE INTEREST, and GENUINE CARING when it comes to our work, happiness and feelings.

I'll admit that some men feel great having a "trophy bride" walking by their side. But I'm willing to bet these types of women are in the minority---compared to the ladies who honestly "want to support us in good times and bad!"

And yes...that's the type of a woman who interests me!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 5:46pm
I have learned to be back on my own again, which is hard when youre used to being with significant other that likes to do alot of things as you, someone who you also consider your best friend. then to put back into that dating scene again and dont feel such a strong connection towards someone. And if I like doing certain things such as I love to travel, go on vacations etc and they dont then I feel like this is a disappointment for me because I want someone who is going to want to share those types of things with me. I do try to be open minded of dating different types of people, their personality is more important to be than looks but if their isnt a mutual attraction in some sense its hard to want to be romantic with someone. Maybe im a little cautious overall about jumping into anything too quickly to protect myself from getting hurt. so in some instances it is easier to being single. I guess its just sucks when you hear about friends getting engaged which im happy for them but makes me feel like im missing something since I would like to have that great husband, and raise a family also. sometimes I feel like I would be more accepted if I was a single parent vs no kids at all. I find it hard to start friendships with someone who has children when you dont understand what its like to be a parent so you are cut out of certain types of activities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 6:04pm
Be patient be yourself and stop worrying if your going to meet the right guy or not he will come by when you at least expect it your not alone and your a good person just keep on believing in yourself HUGS

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 1:04pm

I can so relate to this - I'm 43, never married, no kids (and I have wanted them). I've had teh hardest couple of years of my life (lost my Dad AND found myself knee deep in a mid-life crisis) Beat myself up pretty hard and finally got tired of fighting. So - wiht all that, here's my 2 cents:

I have long wanted to be married and have kids - I've come to terms with not having my own children now but still want kids in my life and find ways to do that. I have all faith that I shall be married and in the not too distant future. (no no one has asked me either and my current reltionship is not at that level)

If I've learned anything in teh last few years its this - that while I THOUGHT I was ready for a relationship, it was clear that I wasn't quite. I've gotten really clear on what I want in a relationship and beyond that - I've gotten VERY clear on who I am. When I wasn't sure on who I was, I sent mixed signals. I'd met someone who fit my 'criteria' and pick them apart. All that pickiness, and fault finding - and getting 'scared' when things moved forward meant that I wasn't receptive to what was being offered. And they'd tell me what I was doing too. Well, then I had t understand why. Let me tell you - it can be ugly to look at and accept your darker personality. But do it you must in order to be a whole person.

So - accepting the real me was the first step. Then opening my heart and mind to the fact that yes, I want companionship, my current state right now, today, is that I'm not ready to get married. I am ready for full time companionship, friendship and caring that will lead to that - when we're both ready. I've been single and lived alone for a long time. I've gotten very good at 'being single' and I know that a lot of compromise is required to make a marriage work. I need to ease into that level of connectedness. And the truth of the matter is - real love takes its time. There is no need to rush - becausein rushing things you are forcing things to happen. And all that does is create drama, chaos, confusion, conflict. I want peace and contentment in my life - regardless of being coupled or not.

That said, I do understand the desire to have friends and companions who are like-minded. We are generally social creatures. But no other person can fill your feelings of loneliness - you can be with friends and family and still feel lonely. Your task is to find joy and contentment with YOU. when you are happy with YOU, regardless of your state of attachment, you don't feel empty or alone.

I can also tell you that its not getting better for you because that is your CORE belief. What you believe and focus your thoughts and actions to - which is lack - does nothing but draw more of the same to you. Look at what you do have - focus on how you feel about having the things you currently don't have - when you feel good about things - you FEEL it in your heart and it shows to the world. When you feel bad, depressed, anxious, whatever, it also shows to the world. What do you want to attract? The things you want in your life or the things you DON'T want? Whatever you spend the most time thinking about is what you GET.

Hon, you have LOTS of time to find a good man and build a good relationship. So do I. But, the longer you feel sorry for yourself, the longer you focus on the 'not having' rahter than the 'having' the longer you will be in this state. This is your choice and your responsibility to change. No one will give you anything that you have teh responsiblity and ability to provide for youself.

When you let go of your negative beliefs about your singleness and take full care of everything within your own power, you will find that things change for hte better. Taking care of yourself means emotionally, physically, financially, and spriitually. Use this time now to become an exceptional woman - then the rest of it will fall into place.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Now is the time to have fun and enjoy not having to compromise on things. Being in a relationship takes work and effort and compromise. And its ok to not be fully ready for marriage yet. Don't let what you don't have be the defining thing aobut your life - and right now it is, because you aren't allowing yourself to be fully happy without it.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 12:29am

I used to feel hopeless and very sad about not having a mate as well. I'm 40 and have never been married or have kids either. That hopelessness came after years of wanting and not finding the right RS. In the past 12 years, nothing even came close to a RS. Often times I feel somewhat embarassed telling people that for fear of being perceived as undesirable. FAct is I'm nice, fun, attractive, and successful so why it hasn't happened for me, I don't know. Ever since I was old enough to be aware of the opposite sex, I always thought I'll be married and have children. It's such a strong belief that I couldn't picture it any other way although reality has been so opposite. My RS are far and few in between. At this time I don't know how and when but I've adopted a positive attitude. I believe we're subscribing to the same philosophy of the power of thought. That the universe is unlimited and all we have to do is to be open to receive the infinite. Anyway, I've learned it's not empty positive thinking but it's learning how to trust and have peace in your heart about your desire being fulfilled and keep that desire alive. At the same time do what you need to do to get closer to your goal.

I really don't know how and when it's going to happen but if will happen b/c it's just natural that it will happen for someone like me. It's my soul's desire and in tune with nature so why should'nt it happen? I don't even want to entertain any doubts at this time even though I don't have anything close to a RS. I'm working to prepare myself from the inside as well as on the outside. I believe what is strong fr the inside will eminate to the outside and manifested naturally w/o conscious effort.

Anyway, i would tell anyone who is single and lamenting that fact that just work on yourself and learn to enjoy what you have right now. I can't deny that moments of doubts and sadness still crop up it's only human nature to reflect and assess but those moments are less frequent now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 1:15am
Are you sure you've dealt with all the issues from your last long term relationship? You say it ended badly, maybe there are some things there you need to resolve within yourself before you can move on into a new relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 9:39am

<< believe we're subscribing to the same philosophy of the power of thought. That the universe is unlimited and all we have to do is to be open to receive the infinite. >>

Sounds like it! I've stumbled across a couple of good books recently that got me asking questions, but this is also a dominant theme in the Blessings of God in the Bible (my feelings anyway).

And the more I think on things that are joyful and happy, the closer I move toward them. Which in turn, brings more joy and happiness because I'm moving closer to my goals. :)

Whether anyone wishes to believe it or not - the Law of Attraction works in their life - and whatever a person focuses their thoughts on - lack or abundance - that is what shows up in their life. I tell people to be careful with words - but you also have to guard your mind...As a man thinketh, so is he.

When you change your attitudes you change your reality.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 5:00pm

Thanks for the advice. I can relate to some of the things you said. I guess I'm tired of trying so hard and being let down in the process. I'm sorry to say this but there's alot of guys out there that use women, feel theres no rush in their eyes to get married, they dont have body clock issue like women do about having children, and when theres plenty of women out there that are willing to have sex with these guys without any committement, it makes the man say why should I settle down at all?? I'm also tired of trying to compete with women 5-10yrs younger than me. I look young for my age but when guy finds out your real age and youre over 30 and single, there seems to be a sterotype like so there must be something wrong with you??

My last boyfriend we were together for over 2yrs and led me down the path to believe he wanted all the same things as me, we were even looking at homes and talked about moving in together, only to find out that everything he said was a lie, he took advantage of my trust, he wasnt mature enough to handle responsibilty of being in a committed relationship nor was not interested in having children anytime soon either. He turned out to be someone I didnt even know anymore. It was a big shock for me. So I probably have some bitter underlying feelings about how things ended between us especially since he didnt have decency to meet me in person afterwards to talk about things to have some closure. But even though it was painful, I guess its best things didnt progress any further then they did because it couldve been worse. So how are you supposed to go into a new relationship not being a little bit leery that same thing might happen again?

For 2007, I have made a promise to focus on the positive things in my life and if I dont have a man to share it with me, its not going to stop me from achieving goals for myself. I have been working hard at my career, so I can get promoted at work, and to purchase my own home, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 10:12pm

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Then don't. You are you and the age you are and this gives you advantages that younger women don't have - you simpoly have to find out what they are. There is nothing sadder than seeing women acting, dressing, trying desperately to look like they are younger than they are. There are advantages to age - called wisdom and confidence - that are avaiable to you if you choose them. Hey, I'm 43 - and I don't begin to compete with any woman at any age. Men are attracted to me for who I am, not just what I look like. And my confidence is far sexier than smooth skin. And I know that Ihave a lot to offer. And when you are so busy looking at what you think you don't have, you don't see what you do have. Lose the comparisons. Its a fools errand. Beauty fades, but confidence and self assurance are ageless.

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Because you realize that what one person did was about THAT person. You don't carry your PAST to make it your future. YOu let go of what doesn't work and you keep the lessons you need to learn. If you are holding onto you hurt from the past, no way are you ready to get into another relationship. YOu set yourself up for unnecessary pain when you do this. (Done this a few times). Remember what I said - your THOUGHTS have everything to do with what you draw to yourself. So if you go into a situation thinking you'll get hurt, you will. If you think he'll cheat, he will. Because YOU are making choices that prove your POV right.

If you believe that you are lovable and deserve to be treated well. That is what you get.

You are choosing your realities with your core belief - and it comes from a place of lack. When you release your pain, forgive those who've hurt or disappointed you and yourself and chose to face each day with hope and faith, you will find more joy and happiness comes your way. Negative energy draws more of hte same just like positive energy.

If you want better things in your life, you MUST change the quality of your thoughts and words. You will not see a change in the quality of your life until you do. This is a universal Lawof Attration - your negative POV is drawing negative situations to you.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 11:15am

Well, if you are a more down to earth person and you are active then you might like doing social things with people more like you so that you are around men who are also more down to earth. There are many types of social clubs and gatherings that may center around an interest or hobby you have, so you are mingling with singles and people who are in couples. I once hung out with other single women who,unfortunately, were sending out signals of desperation at social functions, so the chances of actually meeting a decent man in their company was dwindling. So you might want to avoid those situations.

Being in your 30's is still young, believe it or not. You'll meet someone, it is just a matter of time til you find someone that catches your eye, your heart and your mind.

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