living single in a couples world

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
living single in a couples world
16
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:48pm

I'm a attractive professional woman never married, no kids in my early 30's. problem is I cant find anyone to date long-term. After my last long-term relationship ended badly, I have met guys but later only was interested in them as a friend. After 1 or 2 dates I am either not attracted to them or just not compatible in lifestyle or interests.

The guys I am interested in seem only to want to date models or rich celebrity look alikes or are just looking for a fling. About everyone I work with is married, or in a relationship. So are most of my friends outside of work. I'm so tired of feeling like the odd man out. I know there's probably other women in my same situation but I feel like its not getting any better. And I just cant settle for someone that I dont have real feelings for. any tips/advice??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 11:22am

What you are going through seems to be an epidemic these days. A man once told me that he dates much younger women (he's my age - mid 40's) because they carry less baggage.

the biological clock thing could be a potential kink in you selecting someone that has all the attributes that you want because you may settle because you want kids. And how could anyone blame you for wanting them sooner than later? Of course women want them younger in life. This is how many women end up in relationships that later they wish they never entered into.

Alot of women are experiencing the guy who leads them down the path of happiness only to be surprised later that they knew all along they were never going to marry the woman, but these men are cowards ( a growing trend) and cant just say, "this is what I want for now, but that doesn't mean I want marriage." So they go along with things, pretending, so they can have a regular girlfriend in their lives. These men make a mess out of their lives and everyone else's lives because of their deceit and cowardice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 3:14pm

Summer,

First off, I would chuck the idea that early 30's too old for most guys. Absolutely NOT!! It's an ideal age these days b/c nowaday when more women are making headway in getting advanced education and professional careers, it is the age at which most of us have completed our education and at a stable or at least a good starting place in our career so we can tend to other things. And these days, with better living standards, people live longer and age better. haven't you heard 40s is the new 30's? So early 30's is ideal. In my experience most men who are in the position to have a mature RS prefer someone in your age group. AT this age you have the maturity to be in a healthy rs and still look young enough to appeal to men's preference for youth.

At 40, like me, however, regardless of how i look, most men would eliminate me right off the bat if the only thing they have to go by is age. Still, I'm not deterred and will not lie about my age even though i could pass for younger. Even though I won't lie about my age, I still do my best to halt the aging process by taking care of myself and keeping a youthful attitude. AT the same time, I won't dress and act like a 20 yo b/c it looks ridiculous to appear desparate to recapture lost youth.

So far I haven't needed plastic surgery but when i do, I will not be afraid to get it done either. As far as having men to choose from. Yes, I can't deny the pool is shrinking b/c of unfair agism against women. Also, I may be optimistic now b/c the years have been kind to me. I can only imagine it must be hard to see wrinkles appearing out of nowhere and you start to sag all over but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Fortunately I have also modified - though not compromised my standards by opening up the age range. At this time, I'm optimistic. I have a lot to offer so it's only natural that it will happen for me. In the mean time, I'm working hard to build a secure future for myself and try to enjoy life for what it is.

If I were you, I wouldn't let the "biological clock" or younger women worry me b/c fact is you're still very young and you need to look at yourself at the whole package rather than just a number.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2005
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 5:31pm

Hey Summer_71!!!

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in Couplestown USA. About a little over a year ago, my boyfriend of 8 and 1/2 years broke this off with me. I was so devestated but I got back on the horse and tried the whole online thing. I did meet someone about 5 months later and until recently I dated him. He was nice and we had a good time together but I am at the point in my life that I'm ready to settle down and get married. So I have been single for about 2 months again. I totally understand you and what you feel because the majority of my friends are couples. Not that I don't love them but I wish sometimes I could have more single friends.

I live in a small town where pretty much everyone knows everyone. Plus my big brother is a bar tender and when they find out he is my brother they move on to the next girl. It really sucks. And it is pretty much impossible to meet anyone because of that fact.

So if anyone has any dating advice please pass it on!! I need it. And Summer_71 you are not alone out there, I truely understand how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 8:25pm
I don't think things really are that much easier for women in their 20's. I'm twenty-four and I don't have men pouring out of the woodwork to date me. Most of my friends in their twenties don't have men racing after them either. The dating scene is a struggle for us too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 8:47pm

Yes, it's difficult for everyone except for the lucky few. When I was in my 20's I didn't have men lining up to date me either but what I stated was still true. Certainly there were more men interested then than now but obviously not the right men. I would hear overweight women complain how men like tiny women (like me) or others tell me in my field (male dominated) I wouldn't have any trouble meeting men. My automatic thought whenever people say this is so if I'm just the right type, how come there's no man wanting to date me?

One time a friend jokingly asked a male friend of hers if he was interested in meeting me. When he heard I was 40 and successful But but never been married asked if i was butt ugly or just have a nasty personality. I'm no beauty queen by any standard but I think I'm attractive enough and have other things going for me. Certainly by any standard good enough to mate and propogate. Actually when I look around and see what kind of people hook up and have children I often think maybe if I, instead of those people, who should marry and have children so I would be able to pass along my good genes and make the world a better place :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 10:02am

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Actually - its not difficult unless you make it so by believing you aren't 'enough' - think enough, smart enough, pretty enough, confident enough, whatever. When you beleive you lack something then you do.

This has been said time and time again - what is attractive to ANYONE is a good attitude, confidence and the belief that you are complete regardless of what anyone else says or does.

Poeople who find dating a 'struggle' are usually their own worst enemies - because they choose to believe all the negatives. When you think negatively, you get negative results.

Successful people do not go around looking at the worst case scenarios nor do they buy into the self defeating lies that they aren't 'enough' or that they 'can't do it' - Successful people focus on ACHIEVING their goals - not on the things that could keep them from reaching them.

If you aren't successful in any area of your life - dating included - then your own limiting beliefs are what is hindering you. Not anything else. Change your attitudes and you change your life.

Toni

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