Long distance dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Long distance dilemma
3
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 9:54pm
I met a man while on a trip to another country, although we are both from the US, and dated him for a little over a month while there. Now he is in Texas and I am in Virginia. It has been two months now that we have been apart, and I've already been out to see him once and we have plans for another get together in six more weeks. Here is the problem: Originally, the idea was that when I am done with my military commitment, I would move down to Texas to be with him. However, now he seems almost like he is regretting that decision. When I was there, he was not overly affectionate but he was still very caring. He stated that he never wants to be married again, because of a past divorce, but someone he wants kids. Then he told me before I left that he just wasn't used to having someone around all the time, and that he had gotten used to being a bachelor so this was all different for him and he wasn't sure if he was ready. He still calls me a few times a day and before he goes to bed, and when I discuss plans about getting a job and all he seems fine with that. My question is this...should I suggest getting my own place down there? I think that if we were in separate locations it might be easier for him to adjust and give him more time to get used to us, but I'm afraid that he will think I am pushing him away or don't trust him. I care about him more than anything, and I don't want to lose this relationship by rushing him into anything. I know that if he feels comfortable that this relationship can go far. He's not much of a talker, and so a discussion about feelings isn't going to happen. Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 10:43pm
Three months is definitely not enough time to get to know someone, especially since two thirds of that have been long distance. I certainly wouldn't be contemplating moving to be with someone under those circumstances - whether you live with him when you get there or not.

"He's not much of a talker, and so a discussion about feelings isn't going to happen." No relationship will ever work if both parties cannot discuss their feelings, wants, desires, needs, and where each fits into each other's lives.

Personally, I would not push for a move closer to him right now. Sounds like you're not quite on the same page anymore and if you can't talk about that, then the relationship won't work, distance or not.

Try posting also on the long distance relationships board. They've been through just about every long distance scenario you could think of and they're a world of good advice.

Eve

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:09pm
You would do alot better to get your own place at and ease into things. Because then you two can spend the night, but you will have your own place to go and you are not depending on him. kim
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:00pm
From my own experience, I can say this: "Don't move for a guy". It's great that you two are getting to know each other and you want to be closer to him. You say the *original* plan was for you to move there when you were done your military time, my question is, whose idea was that, yours or his? You said that he seems to be regretting that decision, maybe he is and you should pay attention to that. He was so gung ho and now he's pulling back cause the fairy tale may come into action.

I would advise that if you really want to move to Texas, it be for YOU, not HIM. What if you move there and he's not what you thought, or he changes his mind and breaks up with you? Then you're stuck in a strange place, and then have to decide if you should move back to Virginia or stay. Maybe you should be researching your options in Texas, like what you would do for work, find a job before moving there. Where you would live, maybe you like the town **** and he lives in ****, do you REALLY have to move where this guy is? You could just move closer and keep things going. Find out where the things are that you like, if there's a certain type of church or club or area you like.

Basically you want to make the move for yourself and he would be an added bonus, not the main reason.

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