Long distance -Is he good or bad for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Long distance -Is he good or bad for me?
3
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 5:36pm
Hello

This is my first time writing to ask for advice about relationships and I REALLY NEED IT! I'm in a long distance relationship with an actor/movie producer in California and my home is in Canada. I'm so confused as to whether I should continue this relationship or not. There seems to be so many obstacles/problems and at times, I think he makes no effort at all. He's a busy guy and at times, he doesn't call for days or weeks, he makes promises he can't keep, when we do talk it is quite late(after midnight), if I'm upset, he has no reaction, he seems to be able to make time for other people but me, etc....the list just goes on and on.. The things that makes me stay are that when I do fly to see him which is normally once a month or so, we enjoy our time together so much, he tells me he loves me and I honestly do love him as well, he treats me well when I'm with him making sure I eat and I'm comfortable, we laugh and joke around and are very close, he takes me to friends' gatherings and parties, he says I'm his best friend and trusts me enough to tell me things that normally he wouldn't for he lives in the city where people can't always be trusted, etc. He also told me that we have this connection/instant attraction that is hard to find in a lifetime which I agree because the first time we met, I felt it but never said anything afraid of scaring him off until my first trip to visit him and that was when he told me that was what he felt. I couldn't believe what I was hearing because I felt it too. When we first met in July 2003, I was kind of worried in starting anything with him because of the stereotypes of "movie actors" and I didn't want to be hurt again for I had gone through a horrible heart-breaking relationship prior to this. I gave it a chance thinking he was my dream come true. It has been good up until now. I really want it to work and I don't want to continuously nag at him for not calling, not keeping his promises or not making an effort because it hurts the relationship more than it does it good. I'm getting tired of telling him how to treat me. It isn't right. He should just care for me and it all should come naturally but somehow I'm the one who keeps us together. I also recently found out that he has these other girls/women calling him often who he had past relationships with leaving him messages telling him they love and want to be with him. He told me they are people who he cares deeply for as friends and that I was the one who he loves. He tries to reassure me but I'm not so sure now after looking back at all the things that I'm unhappy with. I hope you can help me for this is really killing me and I'm so confused to the point where I almost don't care anymore but in my heart, I still do and still have hope it will all work ou. I'm frustrated and even when I talk to him now, he gets frustrated and shows no emotion about anything. I'm wondering if we are doomed to fail. I know we have a communication problem from having a long distance relationship but I don't know where to begin in fixing the relationship because even last night, he told me that our relationship has changed and he feels the same despite everything. He told me that he has gone through so much in his life that nothing affects him and at times when he seems cold, he doesn't mean to. It's just that he seen and been through so much that he chooses to harden his heart to things and not stress himself out. I don't know if I believe him and I don't know if I should continue this relationship for in my mind this isn't the way a relationship should be like. I don't know how to get through to him and make him understand that we are in trouble. He has an easier time being away from me and I have a hard time but if he called when he is supposed to, I would be ok. Now I'm just at the point where I need to decide if this is right or if I should just walk away. Please help.

Thank you.

Unlucky-In-Love

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 5:54pm
That type of relationship would not be acceptable to me. But only you can decide whether it's acceptable to you.

This is how he is, this is how it's going to be. It's not going to change. Unless you can accept him and the situation AS IS, and be ok with it, then your only other choice is to end it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 12:17am
I felt like I had to reply to your post because in a lot of ways I feel like I'm in a similar situation. I just started dating a guy who lives on the other side of the country. So far I've gone to visit him twice and every visit has been perfect. In between though, he doesn't phone or email me as often as I'd like. I haven't made a big deal out of it because I feel in some ways that the fact that it bothers me that he doesn't contact me more often probably has to do with some baggage from a previous relationship. He's told me very honestly that he cares for me and that I make him happy and he wants to make this work, so I tell myself to just trust that and most of the time I'm pretty happy.

That being said, it sounds like you're not happy at all. You said if he called when he said he would, you would be okay. It seems to me like phoning you when he says he will is a pretty simple and reasonable thing to expect, and also something that wouldn't require a huge effort from him. It also sounds like you're finding it hard to communicate with him, and I think especially in a long-distance relationship, good communication is so important. A relationship should be a source of happiness and support, and when it stops being that and starts causing heartache and anxiety instead, then it's time to think about whether it's possible to change the situation, but both people have to be willing to work at it. And if not, then you deserve better.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 5:53am
Actions SCREAM louder than words! He can't even talk the talk, nevermind, walk the walk!

What the heck are you holding on to?? This isnt a relationship..it's an email pal! when will woman stand up for what they deserve???

If i were you, i'd walk away. Stop all contact with you. And if he really felt that you are worth holding on to, he would hop on a plane, get on his knee's and ask for you to forgive him and do all the things that require ACTION...words are cheap! Especially long distance words.

I've learned one thing the hard way...i too was involved with someone from california long distance (i'm from canada too) for almost 2 years. (what's up with california men huh?)...that if any man is afraid of losing you, he will climb mountains and swim oceans to make sure that never happens. Men will do everything in their power to get the woman they want. Let's just sit back and see if this guy is willing to fight to keep you??

Walk away..stop all contact...your worth hoping on a plane for..you're worth a phone call at least once a day...and yes, even the most busy ppl manage to call someone they truly care about...and see if he fights to keep you.


Deborah