long distance with kids?
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long distance with kids?
| Mon, 08-22-2005 - 6:40pm |
I need as much advice as I can get on this issue. I am reaching out for some advice on my current relationship. I have been involved with a man for about 7 months now. We met back in January at a company meeting (he no longer works for the same company due to cutbacks). I found out at the beginning he was recently divorced and has two children. I live 6 hours away from him but we have managed to create this tremendous bond between the two of us. I can't even explain how connected we are--in every way. I have not met his children yet, due to the uncertainty of our future together. He lives in an area where the only family he has is his two children and ex-wife. I live where my very small, but loving, family live. If we were to be married and have children, I would want to be close to my family for support. He is trying to do some soul searching on whether or not he can move here with me. He was born here and his parents were from this area. The problem I am facing is guilt and selfishness. I am willing to make adjustments in my life to accommodate his children and make every effort to make them a part of our life. I grew up without a father and would never want him to do that (not that he ever would). I am seeking some advice and help on this situation. I am afraid we would be making a very big mistake if we walk away from this relationship. Am I being too selfish in asking him to move here? Help??? Thanks!

He's going to have to make those choices on his own. If you push him to, he'll wind up resenting you. The question is: how much can you tolerate before you want to give up?
I have found it's hard dating men with kids, especially if they're good dads. Which sounds like a total contradiction because we all want a man that can be a good dad, but sometimes it can be hard if they're not our kids because we want to have our own, start our own families and sometimes there are these added issues with someone already nurturing a family.
I moved 1200 miles to be closer to someone I was dating who had a daughter. It ended up that I never met her because he and I never got to the point where I thought we were on the same page as far as what we wanted. I didn't want to meet her before him and I were solid, he couldn't become solid until he felt sure his daughter and I could get along well. It turned out that he needed me to compromise more in regards to his daughter and I needed him to compromise more for me.
Anyhow, it didn't work out. But I had made the move based on some career choices at the same time and so it was all alright in the end.
I think kids come first, ...especially if they're young (younger than 15 or so). If he wants to see them on a regular basis, i.e. every weekend, then he should do that. But 6 hours is too much to drive back and forth on the weekend. It's good he wants to be a good dad.
My 2cents is that if you really want to see if this works out with being closer that you might look into making the move. This would show him your committment to making things work with his children. As adults, there's not the need to see the family every weekend so you driving the 6 hours once a month or so makes more sense than him doing it weekly. But I totally understand and sympathize with your predicament.
Edited 8/28/2005 7:51 am ET ET by leonalion
Edited 8/28/2005 7:51 am ET ET by leonalion