Long distance - Not natural?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Long distance - Not natural?
7
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 1:44pm

I am in a long distance relationship with my bf since last 6 months. He comes to see me every 2 weeks, and we spend 2 days together, and he is gone again. I am still in the process of getting to know him. He has, on the other hand, made up his mind, and is sure of me as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He is nice, and attentive and I can trust him, but, the whole process of dating is going soooo slow because of the long distance! What can one tell from a phonecall. Nothing really. We talk once a day in the night, exchange tidbits from our days, and he emails me during the day. Even two friends can do that. That doesn't take a whole lot of work. When he does come here, we both know we have 'limited time together' so I think we end up being very nice and patient and more accomodating than ever with each other. He is basically too happy to see me after so long, and I am happy that we are getting a chance to spend time together and for me to know him better, but it lasts 2 days! It's not natural to me..if you know what I mean? I believe that the 'true colors' of a relationship come out better when the couple lives in the same city for a prolonged period of time. When we have a chance to be together, do a lot of things together, get bored together, get into many differences together....now That is natural to me, and that shows how the relationship is growing and progressing, and that gives me better information to make a decision. These 2 days dont give me any information! What should I do? How can I make a decision based on this? He cannot move from his job there until a year more. And I don't want to 'ask' him to move here, because then I would feel guilty if the relationship does not work out in the end. I am finding this long distance thing very very artificial and slow. The pressure is growing becoz he hints at settling down together, and it makes me feel guilty that I am unable to be on the same page with him. Two days with him every 2 weeks, is not what I need to make a decision. I don't know what to do or say to him.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:33pm

I was in an LDR until recently so I understand exactly what you're talking about. Actually, you are lucky...at least you get to see him every two weeks! Mine was closer to every 2 months...and we went 7 months between visits towards the end.

The LDRs that I know of that have worked out involved one or both people spending extended amounts of time with the other person as often as possible. Can one or both of you take some vacation time so that you have more than 2 days together every few visits? It's not ideal but it will help give you a better idea of your compatability if you get out of the "holiday" mode and into the "real life, every day" mode.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:54pm

You sound like my (now ex-) boyfriend. We just broke up after dating for 8 months because he is moving out of state for a year and he feels that a relationship can't grow while in LD mode because of the reasons you just said.

I don't relaly have an answer for you ... but you're not alone. I guess you just have to go with your heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:36pm
Yeah....exactly....we are on 'holiday mode' and not in an 'everyday real life mode'. i am realizing it and it's disturbing me. i don't know if he feels the same. he seems to be quiet about it and looks like he is just adjusting to the way things are, and doesn't want to seem dissatisfied. if i bring up the topic, he might feel i am unhappy and want out. that is why i am afraid to discuss this with him. i don't want him to get frustrated. coming here for more than 2 days would not be possible unless he takes a lil vacation from his work, or if it's a national holiday. and he teaches, so his work schedule is pretty hectic and he has to be there. it will be too sad to let go of this because of the distance, becoz things do seem good so far, even if it seems 'unreal'. i don't know..
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:58pm

What about you taking time off and going there? And is he a schoolteacher? If so, I'm just curious...why didn't he come for longer this summer?

But I have to say...no relationship can survive, IMO, if you are "afraid" to discuss things with your partner.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 8:10pm

he teaches in a university. and he did come here for the summer for a longer time for a couple of weeks, which did give us time together, but that came to an end too. pretty quick. he lives several states apart and driving will take an entire day. and i don't have the money to spend on a flight. am looking for a job here currently. yes, u r right, being 'afraid' is not healthy. but i m thinking, even if we DO discuss it, nothing can be done about it. and it will only end up creating dissatisfaction. i don't see the situation changing anyway...unless, one of us moves. and i don't see that happening unfortunately :( atleast, i do know now, that my feelings are not weird, and that getting to know how both gel in real life can't really be done while living apart.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 8:26pm

Oh, well that's a different kettle of fish! Man, I'm envious that you had a visit of a couple weeks! Didn't that help? And if you're not working anyway, can't you take at least a long weekend and go there once in a while?

I guess I don't see that "nothing" can be done about it...where there's a will, there's a way. If you're unemployed, why don't you move to where he is? Or am I misunderstanding your job situation?

I don't think that it *can't* be done while living apart...but I do think you have to have frequent, longer chunks of time together. I have two friends who married men they only knew long-distance before they got married...but as I said, they made it a priority to spend significant amounts of time together as often as possible.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:45pm
right. a significant amount of time together as often as possible would be best. i think he is doing his best(I think!I hope!). don't want to push him. well, i want to take up a job in the city where i live. he lives in a lil college town and he is planning to move from there anyway in a year, but where, I don't know. he doesn't know himself. he has to do what's best for his career too. i could take up the long drive and go there, but 'living' with him while there, would not feel appropriate for me. when he comes here, he stays with his buddies in my city. so far, he has been the only one making all the long drives. and he has never expected that i drive all that way all by myself. oh well. it feels quite empty. to have a "we", yet not have a "we". i know, others have gone this way before. i guess, just have to adjust and make the most of what i do have. one can't have everything. there's usually something that's missing, even in the best of scenarios.