Long Distance Relations

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Long Distance Relations
13
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 2:43pm
Hello

I have been talking to this guy for the past 3 months and he seems to be the perfect guy for me. What scares me is that i feel way too much for him and I have yet to meet him. talk about long distance this is really really long distance. He is in New Zealand. Both of us have been divorced both on the cautious side. He is coming to see me in December and plans on staying for 4-5 days. If we decide to go ahead I plan on going to New Zealand in February. Then if we still move ahead with it plan on getting married in or after April. My dilema is how can I be in love with someone I haven't met. I have been stupid enough to tell him how I feel and how strongly. There was also another issue...my sister thought she would be doing me a favor by butting in and was extremely rude to him and asked him not to talk to me anymore that he was not right for me. Eversince then he has backed off. He says he cares but not sure if he loves me. Earlier on he did claim to be in love with me ...now he says he got carried away with the internet stuff and probably said stuff because he was sympathetic etc. He still wants to meet me because he feels there is a connection that could lead to more. My question is ..Am I making a mistake? How do I know if hes for real? I know he is not perfect but he is the perfect guy for me how do I make sure I do not make mistakes. How do I know what I feel for him is real and not just wishful thinking or something like that? I am confused cause I have never felt this way before. Help

Nu

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 4:21pm
You don't know whether someone is potentially right for you until you meet him and spend a significant amount of time with him in person. Planning to get married when you've never met is just plain crazy, I'm sorry!

I'm in an LDR that started after we met in person. We've been seeing each other for six months but have only spent 13 days together in person. I would never *consider* agreeing to marry him unless and until we are living in the same city and have spent a significant amount of time together.

Have him come visit you, but don't have any expectations beyond that. See how that goes, and go from there.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 4:34pm
Well to each his/her own, but my own personal experience has taught me that you simply do not know a person until you have spent a significant amount of time with them in the flesh. It is SO easy to feel a connection and feel you know someone over the internet but IMO it just is not real. I think it's totally scary to be planning a 4 or 5 day first date, but that's just me! Good luck but please be wary and cautious. No offense, but it just doesn't sound like an emotionally healthy statement to say even the idea of marriage has crossed your mind before even meeting the person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:18pm

I have to agree with both Sheri and Boobeetrap.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 6:50pm
Hi

I agree, and yes he is staying in a motel. Even though I feel strongly about him, I have not lost my marbles just yet. The only way I was going to move forward with this relationship was if we clicked after meeting each other in person. Even afer that I plan on visiting him on his turf so I can see the real him. Then, and only then,if it feels right I may go for marraige. Nothing is final yet...just a plan so to speak. One can never be too careful these days but that does not mean I am any less confused or feel less strongly for him. I don't expect that it will work out as I want it to. Nothing ever does, but it means a lot to get input from others...so Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 6:57pm
Hi

I know why you would wonder why I would even consider marraige without meeting him but I met him through a matrimonial site through my sister. Nothings final. I intend to make very sure we are right for each other first. I am being cautious but that does not mean its not confusing or that I feel less strongly for him. As positive as I am about things in general this is one area I think I am going to expect the worse. Your input was and is welcome cause it does shed a different light on things. Thanks again.

Nu

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 7:09pm
Hi

Thanks for your advice, I have every intention of being cautious. The only reason I have considered marraige is because we met through a matrimonial site. I am not doing this on my own either my family is very involved too so yes he is going to be disected. I intend to visit him on his turf too before I decide he is right for me, and I won't be going there alone either. I think he is more cautious than me, both of us have been married before. He has more at stake too...he has kids...he does not want to get in a relationship which may not work..does not want to hurt his kids. He has 50% custody of his kids and they seem to like me too. Anyway, I realise it may not work out at all, and I accept that. That does not mean I have to like it...he does seem quite perfect for me.

Time will tell though.

Nu

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 7:21pm
Are you saying it's an arranged marriage? Even then, I don't understand how two short visits would let you know whether he's "right" for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 8:20pm
Hello again

Well, yes it will be kinda an arranged marraige, my family has a history of successful arranged marraiges with less time spent with the potential spouse. Although personally, I was not successful ..I am the first divorcee in the entire family..which is another reason why I am being cautious. Might sound ridiculous to most people but with the way things are for me its the only way to go....risky ...but who can garuntee the other way is safe too. Hopefully, I'll be lucky this time around.

Nu

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 10:59pm
i have yet to read the other posts re: this issue but how can you have plans to marry someone you a) haven't met yet b) not sure if he loves you and c) who you've only had contact w/ for 3 months?



no, your friends w/ this guy (or have you defined that your "together"?)



you dont, that's the beauty of the internet



i think you'll realize if the way you feel now is "for real" after you meet him and see him in the flesh and how you to click in person.

just to sit on the other side of the fence for a minute...you dont know what his mannerisms are like, his real personality, his expressions stuff like that. i find it hard to hear you say you plan on marrying this guy in 4 months..be careful

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 11:05pm
ok well this msg will make more sense since i've read the other posts..

i was weary when i read you met him at a matrimonial site...how do you know hes not also looking for other women on there? i'm not sure how those things work but be cautious be careful. how can you say that you think his kids like you if you've never met them either? this may work out for you, and all the best if it does - but it just seems a little weary to me

 

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