Long distance relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Long distance relationship
18
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 7:07am
I met someone on an online dating service, 5 days ago. We found that we have a lot in common, such as morals, education etc. We have a connection that that is different from any I've had before. He's easy to talk to and he's a good listener. He lives in OR and I live in GA. I've never done this before. We want to meet. Who should make the first step? How do we keep the relationship going when we don't see each other?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 9:11am
Beware of any "connection" you feel for someone you have not met in person yet. I met my husband through match.com BUT we only used the service to make contact. After that we got to know one another totally in person, and that is what I always recommend to people. Any connection you start to feel to someone based upon emails, IMs or phone conversations needs to be taken with a grain of salt, b/c it's only what happens between you in person that is real, and count (my opinion formed through my own online dating experiences).

"How do we keep the relationship going when we don't see each other?"

Good question! That's precisely the reason why I only replied to guys from my own area. A LDR is not what I was looking for. Too tough to develop a relationship when you're not together! (impossible IMO)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 9:32am
Aha!
Lilypie Baby Days

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 9:59am
You *think* you have the same morals, etc, but you have no idea of *knowing* whether that's the case at this time. People can type anything they want to; it's consistent *behavior*, observed over time, that lets you know what a person is really all about.

That said, I do know of LDRs where people met online that have worked out. The keys are meeting in person ASAP, and having the means to visit each other frequently. He should come to you for the first visit, and should arrange to stay in a hotel for safety reasons.

I suggest reading the thread started by southernbelle (I think!) on the Online Dating site.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 10:38am
He should be the one to come visit you first. He should make the first effort.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 12:48pm
5 days isn't long enough, not for a long distance relationship. Don't push it, move slowly and cautiously. You have a lot in common and feel a connection. Go with that for a while longer. I was the one who flew up to see my boyfriend. That's because he attempted to come and see me and something happened with one of his kids and he didn't make it. I don't think it would really matter which one of you goes to see the other one. But, I would say, don't stay at his place, get a hotel. Or get him a hotel if he flies to see you. But, seriously.......................I'd give it some moret time before seeing each other. At least a couple of months or so. Just continue to get to know him for a while longer. Be very very careful. I've had quite a bit of experience with online dating and met a few freaks that sounds great on the phone. Let me know what you decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 1:46pm
I just had to write a bit more. I responded to your message before reading what everyone else had to say. LDR, NOT impossible, speaking from experience. A few people said that he shoudl make the first effort to come and see you. Well, I went to see mine, but he paid for everything. Situations are different. He has 2 kids, works away from home half of each month. Pretty difficult for him to jump on a plane and stay away from his kids any longer than he has to. I have 1 child and don't work away from home, in fact, my child was with me everyday, all day because went to school where I taught. So, basically we both took the opportunity when it arrived. Not to say that he didn't attempt to come and see me, it just didn't work out that way. In the end, everything worked out and is still working. To say he needs to do all the work and come to you, in my opinion, is old fashioned. You are both in this and if you want to see each other, the two of you can come to a decision together. I've known people who have chosen to meed at a destination away from both homes. Choose a place, make reservations, separately, then meet. You really can do whatever the two of you are comfortable with. BUT< SERIOUSLY..........I don't feel that "the sooner the better". Continue corresponding a little while longer, talk talk talk, make sure his stories and conversations don't change. I know that for me, personally, I would have been very uncomfortable meeting my boyfriend asap. We needed time to build on the friendship for a while before meeting. Not to say that I didn't want to see him right away, but I felt safer waiting.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 2:20pm
Most of us who've done a bunch of online dating have come to realize that it's pretty rare that online/phone chemistry translates to real life chemistry. Also, when you talk to someone for a long time before meeting, you get lulled by a false sense of intimacy...you think you know the person based on typing and talking, and that's simply not the case. Words are cheap. Behavior observed over time tells you the measure of the man, not words typed on a screen.

I'm glad it worked for you, but I think in general, it's not sound advice.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 3:34pm
You may not think it's sound advice, and I respect that, I really do. I"m speaking from my own personal experience. And, in the 2 years that I did the online dating, more and more friends of mine started talking about people that they knew who met their SO online, many of them were long distance. I found that the more people that knew what i was doing, the more they were willing to admit that they were doing the same thing or knew someone doing the same thing. Who wants to admit that they are doing the online dating thing? People are so skeptical about this kind of thing.

You say it's not "sound advice". Well, people are writing in here to hear about others' experiences. My advice was sound, because it came from my experience. Relationships are tricky any way you look at it. Relationships start in so many different ways. Yes, there are a lot of freaks out there, you can meet a freak in class, at a bar, next door, in the super market, or online. You have to be cautious any way you look at it. Advice is advice, this is why people are on this message board. To get advice and decide for themselves what advice they are going to take or not take.

Finding chemistry online is NOT as rare as you think. Believe me. Most people don't want to admit it if they've met online. I'm not at all ashamed that I did the online dating and I am happy I did it. I found the love of my life, live next to a couple that met online (long distance) and also met another couple that met online (long distance). All of us live in the same town. Not that rare.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 4:25pm
Where on earth did you get the impression that I was at all ashamed or negative about online dating??? I've been doing it for YEARS and am currently in an LDR with someone I originally connected with through an online personals ad. I know many people who've met their SOs and spouses online. But the common thread is that in almost all cases, they "met" online but took it to real life ASAP. I think that's the smartest approach. The only way to really get to know someone is in person.

I'd say out of every 10 people I've met from online, I have real chemistry in person with 1 or 2. That's a low enough percentage that I'd qualify it as "rare". And I had good "online" chemistry with all of them, or I wouldn't have met in the first place. Given those odds, and that it's so much easier to get to know someone in person, why wouldn't you meet for a cup of coffee ASAP, and take it from there?

Sheri

Edited to add: I've also seen plenty of examples of people who spent months or even years emailing and talking on the phone before meeting, and who were sorely disappointed when they finally met in person (or the other person was, which is even more upsetting). I myself spent way too long corresponding with guys who *seemed* great when I first started online dating, only to find myself surreptitiously checking my watch when we met, wondering how soon I could leave. Why invest that much time, only to find out there's nothing there?




Edited 6/23/2004 4:28 pm ET ET by northwestwanderer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 4:32pm
The topic is "long distance". For that reason, you can't just meet for a cup of coffee. I said to wait a while and continue getting to know the person, at least as much as you can online because I would hate for her to fly across the country to meet this man and then be caught in a difficult situation, or him flying to see her. The men that lived close to me were easy to meet for lunch of coffee. But, since it is "long distance" my experience was waiting a while made me feel much more comfortable. Not only did we email and chat (regularily), we added the web cam. That made everything so much more comfortable. We would sit in front of our web cams early in the morning and have coffee togther, took tours of each others homes, etc. For these reasons, that is why I said to wait a while. I am sorry if you and I misunderstood each other and got off on a bad note. Was not intentional.

T-

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