long-distance relationship...need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
long-distance relationship...need advice
4
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 12:48pm
I'm sure this is not the first time this topic has come up but I would appreciate any thoughts...

I've been dating a guy for about 2 months now. We're both law students and we met while he was doing an elective in Washington for 3 weeks (I was billeting him). He lives in Detroit and I live in Seattle. I've managed to visit him once and will probably visit him again in June.

He's a great guy... very sweet, caring, intellectual. He phones and emails me pretty regularly. I guess the reason why I'm posting is I'm not sure how to not scare him off. For example, I would like to visit him at the start of May but I'm not sure how to ask him if he wants me to come without sounding needy.

My mom thinks I should play hard-to-get and wait for him to come visit me but because he's a year ahead of me in his program, his schedule is not nearly as flexible as mine (he doesn't usually have weekends off whereas I can take Friday and Monday off if I want). At the same time, I don't want to feel like I'm constantly going to see him and making all the effort.

This is not the first long-distance relationship I've been in. My first boyfriend was working in Thailand for four months (but we'd been together for more than a year when we had to be separated). So I guess another of my questions is how to get to know him better even though I can only see him once every two months or so? I worry that this whole "relationship" will just fizzle out and need help to figure out how to prevent that from happening!

Thanks everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 5:22pm
I don't have a lot of advice on this but, if he emails and phones you regularly..why not just keep the conversation going that way? When I was doing online dating, before I decided whether or not to meet anyone, I gave myself at least a month of steady emails with one person before I even agreed to meet them. So a lot can be asked and said over email. I do it like a series of 20 questions. Answer as many as you like. Just ask whatever you want to know, and trade stories that way. Anything you need clarified can be discussed over the phone conversations.

Otherwise, I would say on the whole going to meet him thing...just as long as it's not always going to be you flying to him all the time, and he understands that...go if you can. Playing hard to get can get you burned sometimes...and you don't want to give the impression that you are interested in playing games to further a relationship. GOOD LUCK!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 6:27pm

Hello xanthium, welcome to the board!


Having been in an LDR for quite some time now I can tell you that it takes a lot of work to keep things moving... and, it definitely takes attention and communications, from both of you. It takes understanding, inderstanding of each others surrent situation, schedules and social habits.


Long distance relationships are more difficult than local ones simply from the standpoint that you are not physically together. But, they6 are not impossible.


Keep the communications going by whatever means you can, email, snail mail (cards are nice...), phone calls...


While I can understand your mom's thought, it really doesn't matter who visits who... what matters is that there are visits. Sure, it should be balanced but a person's means and ability has to be taken into account. If you want to visit him, why not just say to him "I'd like to see you"... he will either offer to visit you or you can aks when would be a good time for you to visit him... then make your plans accordingly.


There is also a message board here on iVillage which may help even more... stop by and visit with Mel and Heidi on Long Distance Relationships... there are a lot of wonderful women there and it is a wonderful and very supportive board... tell 'em I sent you!


tg

Terry Owens
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 7:20pm
Thanks for the suggestions and the message.

I guess I probably already know the answer to this, but it's probably a bad sign if he doesn't email/phone me as often as I email/phone him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 7:50pm

No, that is not necessarily a bad sign... you two have different schedules and responsibilities... and, you have different levels of security (and insecurity) - it isn't necessarily a bad thing... but, why keep score?


tg

Terry Owens