Long Lost Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Long Lost Ex
5
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 5:09pm

Where to begin...

I recently got back in 'e touch' with my ex of almost 6 yrs. I will try and be brief with the history:

-I met him while in college when I was 19 and he was 25. The years we were together were magical and I can honestly say this man was my first true love.

-I moved away for grad school and he stayed behind to jumpstart his career (at my request for various practical reasons). I know one could say "How could you say you loved this person but ask them not to come with you?" My reasons for this had a lot to do with my age and some other issues between us.

-The plan was for me to go to grad school and us hook back up wherever he was after I was done. The distance was difficult and I felt that it was best we be apart and I ended it 6 months after moving. It also didn't help that I was wrongly accused by one of his friends of being unfaithful to him before I moved away with a then-teammate. I was actually propositioned by this teammate and I told him I could never dishonor what I had with my then boyfriend/love of my life. The teammate's false accusations served as his revenge to me for rejecting him.

-Even though we were broken up, we talked after for almost a year and I wanted to go back to our plan to be together, get married, etc.

-Unfortunately, it had become increasingly difficult to get in touch with him, no home phone# nor address which led me to believe he had found someone else.

-When I finally did get a chance to talk with him, things ended with him casually asking me-via email-if the distance hadn't gotten to be too much for me. My email response was not constructive and I said and did things that seemed to solidify a permanent breakup, including sending all of his letters, cards, and most pictures to his job since it was the only address I had for him. I never received a response nor clarity regarding why things ended and why he treated me the way he did.

Fast forward to now:
-I am in a 2+ year relationship and love my current bf very much. We have talked about marriage but it isn't certain.

-When I found my ex recently and emailed him, there was alot of exchange of info and emotions. I originally intended to contact this man for closure. In sum, he has told me he is in a relationship and will be marrying this woman someday. That was a lot to process for me, despite my current relationship status. He has answered my questions of what happened-he questions my fidelity to him. I maintain I was committed while with him. He said he will always care for me and wished me the best in life, but this final farewell is almost more difficult than not knowing why it ended. :( Even though I thought I had moved on, I can't help but think our permanent break up was a mistake and that it is me who should be the woman he will marry. How crazy is that? I have told him this, minus the marrying part. I also asked him if he really thinks the person he is with is who he is meant to be with. I told him I don't want to disrespect his relationship and I'm not into bad karma. I am awaiting his response but I am 98% certain I already know what it is.

I am numb from all of this and wish I could change how I feel about this situation.

I am a firm believer in whatever is supposed to happen is what happens but wondered if any of you have had similar experiences with exes and what happened? You know, misery loves company eh?

All comments/advice/shared experience welcome.

Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
In reply to: nicci007
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 6:38pm

I continue to have a similar situation with my ex husband although it's a much more recent situaiton than your's and I think (hopefully) it's running it's natural course.

IMO it appears that your situation has more to do with where you're at with your current bf than your ex and what transpired years ago with the two of you. What made you decide to look up your old boyfriend? Does your current bf know you're in touch with him? Don't mean to play devil's advocate here, but these are the questions that first came to my mind when I read your post. Maybe this has more to do with doubts/fears or some kind of uncertainty that you're struggling with with your current relationship? ...?? Other people here will have good insight, I'm sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: nicci007
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 9:01pm

Thanks for your reply!

If you don't mind me asking, is it you who looked up your ex or your ex who looked up you?

I hadn't really thought of what this has to do with my current relationship. No my current bf doesn't know of this. Regarding the situation with my bf, we have our moments and I love him but I have reservations of us being 'meant to be'. I looked up my ex because he has increasingly been on my mind and for years has popped up randomly in dreams I have. In those dreams, I try to talk to him but he either doesn't see me (even when I'm right in front of him) or he sees me and just nods his head yes but never speaks. In these dreams, I feel as if I am speaking in my mind and think I am saying it but it isn't happeniing that way-weird eh? I felt that these dreams were the result of never having definitive closure with him & the relationship so I sought him out to help with that closure. Unfortunately, I wasn't prepared for all of the emotions that resulted in my seeking answers from him and I didn't expect to still feel the way it seems I do about my ex. I could go on and on but I feel in my heart of hearts that our final departure was largely due to gross miscommunication.

Whatever will happen will happen and I'll get past this, whatever the case may be.

Nicci

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: nicci007
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 9:35pm
I agree that it is very difficult to move on when there is a lack of closure! How easy it is to waste year after year stuck in the same place because things feel unfinished. I wish I had some good answers for you, but I don't. Godspeed! Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
In reply to: nicci007
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 6:33am

My ex-husband and I never fully fell out of communication. After divorcing, there was a 6 month period where we didn't talk but after that he got in touch and we began spending time together as friends. This has gone on for a couple of years until last spring.

In our case, there wasn't any definitive closure either. Moving on becomes very difficult. The fact of the matter is we live far away from each other and have our own lives. It's also the case that I can't make the closure happen, I can't force him to give me what I want or to be definitive about us never being together again. The only way closure is going to happen for me is if it's something I work through myself and basically create my own closure.

I understand the feeling of there being lots of things unsaid, emotions unrealized,...for me it often felt like some kind of ethereal thread that was holding us together and that we would be again someday. Kind of my own way of dealing with the pain of it all. It feels very unfinished and that feels sad. Sounds like those feelings are coming through in your dreams. If I were you, I'd consider seeing a counselor to work through this. It's undoubtedly going to affect your current relationship and color your perception of your future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: nicci007
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:01am

I am sorry to hear about the difficulty you've had with your ex husband. I have def been considering counseling. I feel lucky in that I did get a sense of closure from my ex over the wknd, in the form of an explanation but when he shared that with me, it almost seemed better when I had no answers b/c the ones he gave me all pointed to lack of communication, etc. that neither of us saw at the time, perhaps he did but didn't press forward with it and I just thought he walked away heartlessly.

It just hurts very much :(