this is the longest post I've ever made

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2007
this is the longest post I've ever made
7
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 10:53pm

is it normal to have intimacy with more than one person and yet allow yourself to love none?


This post is extremely long, I'm sorry. I just really don't know where else to go to try to sort this out. I don't have many girlfriends and the ones I do have are in loving long-term relationships and can not relate to what I am experiencing right now. I don't really even know where to start. I should preface this by saying that no matter how much emotion you may or may not detect in this post I am not distraught, I am merely confused as to why this is happening.


Here's the thing. I have done a lot of self-exploration lately in an attempt to learn who I am. From the ages of 21-26 (basically my 26th birthday) I was in a serious monogamous live-in relationship. The relationship at the time was good but when we decided to leave it was definately over. We had become different people and I could no longer handle his faults which included extreme selfishness and a total lack of support for me. On our one-year wedding anniversary he was out of town on vacation with friends and did not even call until 3am when he was extremely drunk and left a drunk message where I could hear his friends egging him on in the background. My birthday was the next week on a saturday and he did not only not call he chose to drove home from his ONE MONTH vacation on the sunday instead of the day before which was my birthday. That was basicallythe last thing I needed to see the love was gone. I ended up dating someone fairly soon after but was very cautious that it was not a rebound. We got on good and I successfully learned from the previous relationship and ended up with a really great guy who loved me and treated me really well. In the end though after about 6 months it was clear our lives were on different paths. I was looking at a major career change and wanted to go back to where I had grown up (my previous relationship had prevented this) and his career was flying with his company going to send him overseas for a 2-year project lead position in the upcoming years. We agreed we may be the right people but it simply was not the right time and so we went our separate ways.


I have had a very interesting

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 11-22-2007 - 10:48am

I can see why you are confused - you have painted a narrow picture of what the real deal MUST be like and you are so busy trying to control things that you are not enjoying life or the relationships you have.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Thu, 11-22-2007 - 11:23am

After reading your post all I can say is *holy crap!*.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 1:02pm

You both said very similiar things so it is easier for me to just write one message. I don't know how the notifications on this board work though so I am going to post the same reply to both so that I know you will get it.


First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write such detailed replies. You are right, these thoughts are not healthy and they are not how I normally am which is why I made my post. I don't know how to shake them. I am intellectualizing my emotions indeed and yes I suppose trying to control them as well.


Just to clarify something...#2 is not a boring guy, there is just no spark with him in a romantic sense so a romantic life with him would be boring/non-passionate. #3 may be the one that I am most interested in but it is not right either for many reasons.


And I do not lie naked with random guys, I'm sorry if it came off that way and it is very kind of you to remind me that wouldn't be a safe habit! :) I do however regularly cuddle (clothed) or sleep over (non-sexually) with two of these close guy friends and there is no sexual tension...it is just nice for both of us I think to be able to have that human touch when you are single

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 1:02pm

You both said very similiar things so it is easier for me to just write one message. I don't know how the notifications on this board work though so I am going to post the same reply to both so that I know you will get it.


First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write such detailed replies. You are right, these thoughts are not healthy and they are not how I normally am which is why I made my post. I don't know how to shake them. I am intellectualizing my emotions indeed and yes I suppose trying to control them as well.


Just to clarify something...#2 is not a boring guy, there is just no spark with him in a romantic sense so a romantic life with him would be boring/non-passionate. #3 may be the one that I am most interested in but it is not right either for many reasons.


And I do not lie naked with random guys, I'm sorry if it came off that way and it is very kind of you to remind me that wouldn't be a safe habit! :) I do however regularly cuddle (clothed) or sleep over (non-sexually) with two of these close guy friends and there is no sexual tension...it is just nice for both of us I think to be able to have that human touch when you are single

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 2:32pm

lol - you sound much like me - I've breezed through life so to speak, dealing with what comes along too, mostly alone. The relationships I've had in the past were rarely 'equal' sharing but they served a need for connection and companionship - though not always in good ways.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 2:33pm

<< Infact I have tried to find info in a book and have not been able to. This is something I realized in myself. I seem to be only really attracted to guys that I feel are less interested in me. It's the whole thrill of the chase in a way except the feelings of insecurity and needing to win his approval continue in the relationship. >>


You don't need to look to a book ... you only need to look within

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 3:45pm

First of all, dont beat yourself up because you intellectualized your emotions.