Looking at me as a friend?

Avatar for sk3035
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Looking at me as a friend?
9
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 4:56pm

I met this guy online on one OLD site. We started talking on phone. On the 3rd phone conversation, I was telling him a lot about myself - my nature, my habits, what I like etc etc.

When I told him that I'm very independent in thinking since I've been living alone since so many years after my divorce, he said "guys like it when a gal says that she is independent, but to a certain extent. Guys like it when gals are dependent on them and the 2 as a couple need to do things together."

He further went on to say "I (me, not him) need to think in terms of finding a guy for myself"

The first half can be thought of as coming from a mature person, a friend giving a friendly advice and something he would want in his relationship with a woman.

But the latter half seemed to offset me. Did he mean

(1) he is not intereted in me and was giving me a clue
(2) to give another friendly advice
(3) demean me in any way

We talked a bit more in that same phone conversation and then he ended it saying "You can call me whenever ..."

What does all this sound to you? I haven't heard from him since 2 weeks and I haven't initiated any contact with him after that. But I do hope to talk to him more. Please advise.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 5:30pm

I don't think you can really know what he meant by that...you just don't have enough context with this guy to know.

But given that he hasn't called you again and you talked as much as you did, I would assume he's not interested in you romantically and move on. If you want to be platonic friends, then call him.

Now, there is a *slight* chance that if you didn't say, "no, I prefer that you call me" when he said "call me anytime" that he *is* interested in you romantically but thinks that you're not because he put the ball in your court and you haven't called, but I really don't think a guy who's truly interested wouldn't call for that (lame, IMO) reason. But if you're unsure, you could test the waters by sending an email saying something like, "hi, haven't talked to you in a while, hope things are going well for you. I enjoyed our phone conversations and would enjoy talking again and perhaps meeting for coffee if you're so inclined." That shows him you're interested, but puts the ball back in his court.

Sheri

Avatar for sk3035
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 5:41pm

Yes, I didn't say "no, you call me" when he said "call me whenever...".

Well, I wouldn't mind calling him but then shouldn't he have called me to inquire as to why I didn't call. Or he took it for granted that since I didn't call, I'm not interested and so why should he call?

Would a guy who is interested leave the ball in my court? Actually I was waiting for him to call me...

Another thing .. we were talking about different places that we have gone to and visited .. he said that he does not go to different places to see new places but he goes there to hang out with cool people at cool places ... is this a red flag?

After 2 weeks have been passed, do you think it's a good idea to send him an email with the message?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 6:38pm

I thought I answered most of those questions already ;-), but to reiterate:

1. No, I don't think a guy who is really interested would leave the ball in your court.

2. BUT, if you want to be as close to sure as you can be, then sending him an email along the lines I suggested and seeing if he calls would get you there.

As for the cool people at cool places comment, that wouldn't be so much a "red flag" as a turn off for me. Being "cool" just isn't important to me at my age ;-), and I wouldn't get along too well with someone who felt that was important.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 7:16pm
From reading what he said, I would interpret it as meaning one of two things. He could be suggesting that you look at him as someone to become involved with and "dependent" on, or he's dropping a hint that he does not see you as someone he wants to pursue as anything but a friend. Hope this helps and hope things work out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 9:06pm
The guy sure sounds really cocky--with the cool places/cool people comment, and "you need to think in terms of finding yourself a man" or whatever that was. Why would you like to be involved with such person anyway? It sounds like he was disrespectful and trying to put you down.
Avatar for sk3035
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 9:30pm
For some reason, deep in my heart, I thought so too but was confused. No offense, but are you a man or a woman ... I'd really like to know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 11:32pm
I'm a young woman (Only 18). If you were fairly interested in that guy, I probably told you something you didn't really want to hear, but hopefully it helped. Maybe you could give me some advice on the discussion/post I started, It's titled "Help, complicated relationship troubles". I would really appreciate it. Thanks.
Avatar for sk3035
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:08am

Well, what you basically said was

(1) he wants me to look at him as someone that I would want to get involved with - considering that he and I have never met, to think of someone that I would possibly want to get involved with is a remote possibility. I hardly know him but the interest is there.

(2) he is not interested in me and rather than ending it, he has kept it open by "ending" it as a friendship. I'm ok with it, in case he would want to communicate with me only as a friend .. since he was atleast honest with me unlike other guys who disappear without saying a word. You never know where it might go/lead to as I have often read on boards to be a little less rigid and a woman with less rules.

I just sent him a quick email -

"Haven't talked to you in a while... How's your long weekend coming along? Doing something special or just laying back and relaxing? Anyways, drop me a line or call me .. whenever .."

Taking it cool and easy ... so long he responds.

As far as your post, I'll go over it and will try my best to give you some advice, though I must admit that I'm always in need of an advise and am not that good at giving one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2006
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:49am
If you feel good about just being friend with this guy, it sounds like things will work out nicely. He did the right thing by being honest with you, even if was kind of (ok, pretty) indirect. Thanks for checking out my plea for help, and as for what you said about my expressing interest in dating his friend, you're right, I know that he felt uncomfortable and hurt to say the least. But, at the same time, I felt that I had to be honest with him about the way I was feeling. I don't know...things have been slowly playing out. The guy I have a crush on (Jimmy) hasn't called me in two days now and I'm wondering if he has decided I'm just not worth all of the trouble and the fact that it will probably damage his friendship with Zach (my current bf). If that's the case, then my problem seems to be solving itself. I guess I'll see how things work out. Its been nice talking with you...stay in touch if you want. My email address is hoticewater27@yahoo.com. Good luck to you as well!