Losing a guy as a friend
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Losing a guy as a friend
| Thu, 07-08-2004 - 1:11pm |
I've been good friends with this guy for almost 3 years. We've been close and have even been intimate, but it's always been just a "friendship". He's tells me that he loves me and I have told him the same. But, I'm "in love" as well as love him..he is not. He knows this as well. I've met his friends & his family. I work with him as well so I see him just about everyday. Over the last couple of months he's been missing. He doesn't say good-bye when leaving work; When I ask about getting together he says "let's play it by ear". We don't hang out much anymore. He did finally admit that he's seeing a girl at work(which of course I knew about anyway)and when he sees me when they're together he can't even say "hi" to me. It really makes me angry and I told him about it. His reply "in the initial stages of dating you can't pay ANY attn to ANY other female". 3 years of friendship and I get that reponse? Am I nutts for being angry? He's now angry b/c I'm upset by his actions and says "there is no such thing as an easy going woman you can just be friends with". We've been fighting(over email no less) for 3 weeks. We agreed to talk this through, but now he keeps putting it off and can't seem to make time for me. I feel so betrayed. Should we still try to be friends?

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I truly want to thank for you all your words. It has really helped to open my eyes to so many things.
I've been acting like a child and I think that scares me more than anything. Admitting that same to him is even worse(although he already knows). And believe me, I have cried, hit, screamed and wept tons over the last few weeks. But again, hearing your thoughts has helped to put some things in perspective. Funny thing is that he and I have had rational discussions about our relationship before. He has actually said (in a roundabout type way) many of the things that you have said here. But, I never truly wanted to understand what he was saying because I was just thinking about me & what I could do or "be" for him to get what I wanted. But again, you are right that it is not about me, he should not act or be a certain way just because it's what I wanted. He has his own wants and his own life to live. He has even told me that as well. I completely ignored it, but I'm seeing it now.
I know people at work(as well as his family & friends) have most likely noticed that lately there is a distance between us. And there would be no job related repurcussions other than embarassment. Embarassment for pain I've caused him(& most likely his new girlfriend) as well as myself. BTW...she asked that their dating be kept confidential.
I am not sure if I will be able to talk to him for that "closure" that I seem to so desperately want. I know that he would be completely upfront with me about his feelings (we've had discussions about this before)but you are right, that it seems the question that I want the answer to is "why not me?, why am I not good enough?" And it's not that I'm not good enough, it just that he doesn't want a relationship with me & never has other than as friends. How he is proceeding with his life has to due with what he wants & values out of his life and I need to re-examine mine do the same. I do however, own him an apology.
I don't think I could be FWB again with any man. I did that back in college and it was just that...no emotional attachments were formed, just FWB. I'm older(but it appears I am no more wiser)& I've been looking for more in a man & a relationship. I've been looking for that emotional bond that runs deep. I finally did find a great man & thought I had that bond, but I wanted to see what that wasn't there. I got so wrapped up in mt own emotions that I could only see how I wanted it to be and thought if I yelled enough I would get what I wanted. So wrong & so sophomoric. And when I didn't get what I wanted he had to be the jerk & me the victim. Well I have been a victim, but it was a victim of my own values & behavior.
This has truly been a learning experience. One that I wish I would have learned much earlier in life or would have been better equiped emotionally to handle. My friend truly is a good man and has been an amazing friend. I regret how much pain I have caused him. I know it hurts him to see that I am suffering. (Maybe not right now since he's writhing with anger b/c of my actions) And while it's not his fault, I know he feels like part of it is b/c I have made him feel that way for my own selfish reasons. He has been nothing but upfront with me about how he feels. I chose to ignore that because it wasn't what I wanted. It doesn't change the hurt that I'm feeling, but hearing from you has helped to understand some of the root causes of an overall problem and motivated me to make a plan to move on.
I've scared my girlfriends over the last few weeks with my extreme highs and lows. I am actually going to seek out additional support from a professional to hopefully find a balance for my life. I know tons of people have done the same, but it's so scary to admit that I cannot handle this on my own, but I think it's what I need to do to get myself on track. As for the dating, I think I may need a couple weeks before diving in to that pool, but it will come soon enough.
Thanks again, Erin!
No matter where you go there you are....knowing yourself well is the key to not breaking your own heart.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
You have every right to feel betrayed, hurt, used, cheated, angry... everything you have mentioned and more. Someone said you were being selfish... you have every right to be that too.
So, that said, my recommendation is...
Drop this guy. Leave him alone. Let him do his thing. When you are around him at work or wherever, find your center and stay there. Be the strong woman you are, and if you don't think you are strong, visualize, act as if you are.
I'm not suggesting this to manipulate him. It's not about that at all. It's about discovering and owning your power so that you don't find yourself in this situation again, with him or anyone else.
And in private, if you feel the sadness and hurt again, journal, talk to another friend, post here, seek counseling, do (just about) anything else except try to talk to him. I doubt he would have the answers you are seeking anyway. And right now, emotions are running high so even if you did finally have a talk, it probably would not go well anyway.
Instead of trying to talk to him, use this time to heal and to discover who you are, what your values are, what interests you. Connect with other friends, make new ones. The energy you are using worrying about this guy is being wasted. Use that energy to focus on your life.
That's my take on things, use what works, drop the rest.
A~
Well, my friend and I actually sat down to talk. After reading Erin's last response I had some good time to think with my head instead of my just my heart & the talk wasn't about getting closure on anything from him or getting an answer to the ? about "why am I not good enough". It was about moving forward. We both said that it was just nice to talk to each other again. The silence was frustrating both of us too much. We really didn't talk about what had happened except for both of us apologizing to each other about how we had both been acting and where do we go from here. Neither of us was sure how to handle the "change" in our friendship...me b/c I felt like I was totally losing him(friendship included) and him not being sure how to handle keeping my friendship(although it would be different moving forward) b/c his girlfriend was jealous since she knew that we were so close. We both agreed we handled things wrong. I told him that as I was thinking about what happened I tried to picture being in his girlfriend's shoes and how I would feel. And also about how he was feeling. I didn't do that originally & it helped to put things into perspective. I was hurt, angry, used...etc, but he wasn't the jerk...he was living his life and I freaked b/c it stinks when you're the one that gets your heart broken in more ways than one. Anyway, he needs to do what makes him happy and so do I. I think in time, I could dance and be happy for him at his wedding (we both totally laughed when I told him that my original answer to that ? was "uh, initial feeling...heck no").
We agreed that we both definitely need to take a break from each other. Figure out our own lives. I was thinking about the saying "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours...if it doesn't it never was". It applies to both friendship and romance. We both have no idea where our friendship will end up, we'll just have to see what happens. Even if the friendship is rekindled, it cannot & will never be the same as it was. That's just part of life and love with friends of the opposite sex. It's time to move on and hopefully find that "connection" with a new good man...one that involves mutual romantic feelings as well as a good friendship.
Thanks again to all for the advice.
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