Losing my best friend
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| Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:42pm |
I went to uni, and received a letter declaring his undying love for me, which I ignored, but we spoke, although not often for a year. I came back holidays and we hung out, but nothing happened, although I knew he still fancied me, he even picked me up stranded at an airport three hours away once. Anyway, by the end of my second year of uni, we spoke more regularly and it was obvious he had progressed alot with his relations with women so-to-speak, although he never really spoke about them, but it was still obvious he fancied me. Anyway, summer break after my second year of uni, we hung out a lot more and I was nervous about going abroad for the year. anyway, my parents were away on holiday and he came round for dinner and a movie. It was cold, so I got my duvet and whilst watching the movie, he made a pass at me. I was a little drunk, and the next thing i knew we were kissing and several items of my clothing were missing. anyway, I sudenly sobered up and told him we should stop and that I just wanted to be friends, nothing more. And that was true. I still didnt sober really fancy him, although this time I had enjoyed kissing him. Anyway, he stormed out, I went abroad and we didnt speak for months. I ran into him on easter break and we talked and to be honest, I'd forgotten why we stopped talking. I went back abroad and we texted every day and he became very important as a confiant and friend. I came back from my year abroad and went back to uni, where we still messaged every day, although the banter (although we'd always had a pretty banterish (arguing - kinda like Pacey and Joey friendship) got a little more flirtatious. Anyway, I finished uni and had to come home to find a job. We continued messaging everyday as I was quite lonely, as friends had moved away and had no job, I became a little over-reliant on him looking back. Anyway, he picked me up drunk one evening and took me home and we kissed. He messaged the next day asking if he'd gone too far. I said I just wanted to be friends, which was true, although I did enjoy kissing him, I didn't think we were compatible and I was depserate to move away to London and have always hated long distance relationships. Anyway, he'd always got a little jealous about me talking about men, but the only way I felt I could keep things platonic, was to mention men I fancied so I did. We watched a lot of movies in my room as I had no money and he had a few sexual relationships by this time, his advances became more frequent. i'd make him sit on the floor and I'd be in the bed, and he'd always stroke my legs or something. Occassionally, drunk or feeling low, I would give in and we'd kiss, although there would be a lot more touching involved and would occasionally be more than kissing, but I wouldn't sleep with him. In order to try and maintain a friendship level I told him I didn't want a relationship with anybody, not just him, just something casual. he misread this and asked me for a casual sexual relationship, to which I replied no. Anyway, I got depressed and the snogging became more frequent and one particular night out a couple talked to us and was surprised we weren't together and I hadn't had a boyfriend now in a few months, so missed the hugs etc... Anyway, I said to my friend that I was happy to snog, but wouldn't sleep with him and didn't want a relationship (kind of an arrangement until we got a bfriend/gfriend). For two weeks, we were getting off with each other approx 3 nights a week and still messaged all the time. Then, I got a message saying he'd met someone and that nothing would change, but we couldn't get off with each other anymore. I was a little annoyed, but happy he'd finally found someone, as he'd never really had a proper relationship and i'd always felt that was partly my fault.
Anyway, he stopped messaging, which upset me, because although he had a gfriend, he'd promised the friendship would continue and he was by now one of my best friends. Anyway, I messaged him, he didn't answer and I missed him. anyway, he finally got in contact after a few weeks and we went out to the cinema and our friendship continued. Then, a few weeks later he came around to watch a movie and he was tickling me for some reason and we ended up kissing. Anyway, when he left all seemed fine and I just assumed he must have broken up with his girlfriend. Anyway he totally stopped talking to me. I'd message and he wouldn't reply.
I got a job in London and was desperate to sort things out by the time I left and had gathered by now that he must have cheated on his girlfriend. Anyway, he finally replied and said stuff like we were never really friends, just two people who hooked up once in a while and lots of over horrible stuff. He really hurt me, so I stopped messaging and moved to london. Six months later I receive a text from him and we started talking again. Then, he started messaging about how much he missed me, and didn't cherish me enough and why would I never give a relationship with him a go. By this stage, I'd had quite a few disasterous relationships and realised that the type of guy he was back then was what I needed now as I was sick of guys cheating on me and treating me badly. He asked me to go on a date and try to give things a try. Anyway, i finally agreed to a date and he came up to London in a suit, with chocolates. Unfortunately, I ended up getting very drunk and passed out. But next morning, I went down to him on the couch and he looked after a very hungover me for the day and we shared a kiss and he went home.
We messaged every day and he came up mid-week and we had a lovely evening watching videos and drinking wine. He'd changed alot. he was more confident, lokked less geeky and said all the things I wanted to hear. Anyway, he went to Germany for a week and sent messgaes telling me how much he missed me etc.., and I thought 6 years was long enough to wait to sleep with him and although we hadn't been seeing each other long, I decided to plan a romantic evening and sleep with him on his return. Anyway, I did and i thought things were going great. he knew I was worried about being a conquest, but assured me I wasn't. anyway, we spoke everyday on the phone, although I found out through a mutual friend a few weeks later he'd been seen snogging another girl but didn't go home with her. To be honest, I got a little paranoid, but thought things were still new and it was a little wierd still and we knew each other so well we'd gone straight into comfortable mode- were we friends having great sex or more. I was trying to be casual about things - not wanting this deep relationship straight away, as we'd both only just split from people. I visited him, he cooked for me and we spent a lovely weekend together, so I let it lie and didn't mention I knew about the girl. we'd planned before getting together to go to New York, so I booked the trip.
One evening, he went out with his best friend, who by all means doesn't exactly treat women well and I always knew my friend's treat-em mean, keep-him keen new attitude had come from him and his friend knew that me and my friend had sent sexually flirtatious messages the year before. I'd never met his new friends from work - I just put that down to him not wanting them to know about him at 17. Looking back now, they probably thought it was me after him , not the other way round - especially as I knew his mate thought me a psycho over the messages the year before, as he wasn't aware of the full story or the cheating. Anyway, he went out with his best mate and next day rang me up saying that things weren't going as he thought they would be and that perhaps he wasn't fully over his ex and had rushed into things. He cared about me and still fancied me (But then again one of our previous fallouts the year before was how he would never stop fancying me and that he couldn't be just good friends with me.) He said if he was going to be with anybody it would be me, but could we have a break to clear/unconfuse his feelings and Could we go back to being friends?
By this stage I hadn't admitted I'd fallen for him and agreed. To be honest it was wierd. i'd never raelly fancied him and suddenly I was seeing him in a new light. My friends and parents found it odd how I suddenly fancied him after all these years. But, again, the messages stopped, so I turned up to surprise him and to discuss our holiday. anyway, we ended up in bed together. I thought it was a one off, so didn't call for a few days, and he rang up and asked why I wasn't speaking to him everyday like I used to and things just went back to the way were before and he behaved like a bfriend, although I ws still a little paranoid. Anyway, new year came and he was going out with his mate, his mates girlfriends and her friends. He didn't invite me. I put this down to him not wanting a full-on relationship so organised my own thing with my friends. I met the girls, they were much younger, giggly, fun-loving girls and I thought I should trust him. Anyway, news years eve I get no happy new year message and he rings me up the next day saying we were a mistake and he'd just never felt that spark with me, like his ex (although he'd wanted me for six years and kissed me on numerous occassions over the year and still said he was attractred to me - I don't get this comment at all) and although he fancied me and the sex was good, we should be friends. I was devastated, but agreed. by now, i'd really fallen for hima nd realised what people meant by your lover and best friend in one. We have a lot in common now and whilst we were together we had surprising never argued. I actually thought that that was the problem. We missed the whole getting to know each other stage but I knew we would and I felt after three months, he hadn't really given us a shot. He'd put me on the pedestal which I was always gonna fall off at some point.
Anyway, he stopped ringing (again) and then rang to say he would still go to New York. Then I get a call two weeks before we were due to go to say that he couldn't go anymore as it clashed with a really impoirtant work campaign. Could a friend go with me? I rang up and the tickets were non-transferrable and non-refundable and it was my dream holiday. I went down to see him to sort it out. He was being really wierd with me and said he couldn't risk his work for it. Anyway we had to share a bed and one thing led to another and we slept together again. Although, I knew afterwards, despite him denying it that there was someone else. I checked his phone and there was a very lovey-dovey messgae from a girl. I copied down the no and when back in London, asked him time and time again to tell me the truth.
anyway, I ended up at bthe airport going on holiday alone, despite him assuring me it wouldn't come to that. Anyway, I sent his girlfriend a mesage telling her she needed to speak to her boyfriend. Anyway, after a horrible holiday by myself (and coming back over three weeks late on my period), I had messgaes from his girlfriend asking me to explain who I was etc.. so I did. He rang me constantly asking me why I was trying to ruin the most meaningful relationship in his life and how much he loved this girl (they'd been together 6 weeks by this time and I'd slept with him 3 weeks previously). i pretty soon realised who she was and that he'd cheated on me and didn't seem bothered that he'd cheated on me or hurt me. Anyway, I told his girlfriend that it was now between her and him and I just thought she deserved the truth as i'd been a cheatee for the 2nd year running. I know a lot of it was hormones - I thought I was pregnant. Anyway, I wrote him a letter to explain things and he rang up to apologise for the way he treated me and said that through his ignorance he hadn't thought about how things would upset me and his gfriend had forgiven him and he'd like things to go back to the way they used to be and he would tell his new girlfriend that we were speaking. i didn't want secrets.
Anyway, he did text me, but mostly polite messages and things were definately not okay between us. It turned out that the relationship, although they are still together, wasn't as serious as I first thought. They only see each other weekends, I think maybe I was too demanding for him. Anyway, two months later things seemed to be much better, although he was only messaging me at work, if I was upset, he'd ring me. but two weeks ago, he stopped talking to me again. He said firstly, he was stressed and didn't ahve time for anyone or anything. He's doing his fianl year dissertation (Last year of his part-time degree) and said he was at work till midnight and didn't have time to message. Anyway, i acme home for Easter hoping to meet up and properly get out friendship back to normal. He's ignored all messages and all calls - and I don't think he could have no credit on his phone for 4 weeks and not have any time to send one message. my friends say its the girlfriend - but we've messaged and she said she was happy with me and him being friends and I assurred her I just wanted friendship - which is true. Part of me still cares about him, but mostly I miss the confiding and talking as best friends. It would take a lot to regain the trust for a relationship again. But the thing is I really miss him and hate not talking to him, but don't know what else I can do and don't understand the sudden silent treatment (especially as he'd promised me no more silent treatment stuff). My friends hate me talking to him after what he's done for the last two years and say that I shouldn't feel guilty about messaging his girlfriend or the years I spent turning him down. They say that I'm being too nice and that he's walking over me as he thinks I will alawys be there for him no matter what he does. It's really upsetting me and he is one of my best friends. 6 years of friendship versus a 3 month relationship means more to me. What do i do?

Have you seen "when harry met sally"? the movie. Although meant as a comedy and was a great movie, still alot of truth to it. Women and men have a very differnet dynamic than same sex friends. I know, Ive got alot of male friends. And i dated my best friend. Meaning he was my best friend before we dated. And now hes gone.
What i realized is that people come into your lives for a reason sometimes then they are meant to leave it. I think your guy best friend was this type of person for you.
The best way to hanlde this is to let it go. Let him go free. If he comes back, then it was meant to be. Another saying, but true.
You need to let him live his life, whether he chooses his new girlfriend or not.
When two opposite sex friends spend alot of time together and are close, they are in sorts filling each other's human needs for support from the other sex.. so less need to date. But when one of them does, its hard not to feel some jealously... to feel "weird" so to speak. And your guy may be like this, feeling weird being around you since hes got a girlfriend. Also, he has a girlfriend so his need for support/emotional ties to the opposite sex are filled.
Its confusing and hard. I was there 2 1/2 years ago. But it gets better. I miss my best friend to death, and in sorts wihs i had never dated him. But I wouldn't be who i am today without that experience. same for you as wlel.
Take care.
The thing is that I really don't look at this as a "break-up" so to speak because as far as I'm concerned the six years of friendship cancels out a three month fling at that. I think that's what annoys me. He says he wants to be friends but then treats me like an ex and that doesn't seem fair especially when I spent 5-6 years fighting off his advances when he wanted to be more than friends. he's made me feel like a conquest and has really hurt me. Despite the awful way he behaved throughout our 2relationship", I have made a decided effort to be friends and the only thing I asked in return was that if he had a problem he talks to me about it and doesn't suddnely one day stop talking to me for no apparant reason and then start ignoring my calls, like last year. He was making an effort. Then, suddenly, bam... I ask to meet up this weekend for drink etc... and he's ignoring my calls and now his mobile has been switched off for three days straight. It infuriates me because we haven't had an argument and i think, do I do what I did last year and give up and then he rings me 6 months down the line saying he's sorry and I talk to him again. I've got to the point where enough's enough, but he owes me money and if he's going to keep on doing this, the one thing i'm making sure of is that I get my money back. I just don't understand the out of the blue not talking to me. My friends think maybe him and his girlfriend have had a fight, but I'm pretty certain that haven't split up. And even if he is with her at the mo in London 1 text to say Happy easter surely wouldn't upset her when she said she doesn't mind us being friends and we haven't seen each other in months anyway. His entire behaviour confuses me, he used to be the sweetest sincere loke I knew who was always there for me when I needed him. I have had some bad news this weekend and i really need to speak to him.