losing your virginity to a married man

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2004
losing your virginity to a married man
27
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:39am
Its not that I am confused about losing my virginity, but the fact that I lost it to a married man that is 9 years older than I. At 17, some people may think that it is still early to be having sex. What surpases that is the fact that he has been married for about 6 years. His relationship with his wife is not a healthy one. He has been in and out about 5 times but never divorced, and he approached me. He says he is still with his wife for financial reasons. He has also been in this type of situation before. What am I still doing with him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 11:07am
get out of this now. these guys are very smooth and reel you in, then keep you there. don't let him do this to you. no matter what he says, hes married. problems or not/whether he loves her or not- doesn't matter. hes still married. he will just make you feel less than nothing at times, if not frequently.

i hope that you can talk with your friends about this or a mentor so they can help you see how wrong this is. for you and for the age you are at.

hang in there - and i hope that you get out of this asap.

*S

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:19pm
tiredfaith...

Pianoguy's best guess is that "you're living with a dream!"

You hope that the man who has been married for 6 years will abandon his wife and come running to you. Problem is...if he can ditch his wife so easily...he can do the same with you later on!

At 17...and suddenly deprived of the gift that most women highly treasure...you're probably wondering if all of us guys are just out for one thing?

Believe or not...A LOT OF US AREN'T!

And if you can put this incident...and the married man behind you...you'll discover that there's a single, "MR. RIGHT" out there for you. But give yourself enough time to know him before sharing yourself with him, okay?

It would be easy for me to say that you were taken advantage of. Many ivillagers who are reading this will echo the sentiment. We both know that a married man who has no sense of fidelity will take advantage of anybody. So whether he should or shouldn't have in your case, the deed is done!

What's important is YOUR piece of mind and whether you can find the maturity to let this gigalo go? It's pretty obvious that there was more LUST for you (on his side) than LOVE!

I hope you can find the courage and strength to dump him and not look back? My prayers are with you.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:22pm
Good question: "What am I still doing with him?"

First off, why did you give yourself up to a married man?

Equally for him, he does not know better than to VIOLATE his married vows and seek a *teen*-ager 9 years his junior to act out his immaturity.

I could say more vile things and scream my utter disgust but this board would not be able to contain that.

To answer your post....you lost your virginity to him so I assume that you have grown attached to that kind of intimacy and now want *more.* You can't because he is MARRIED, unless you let yourself be further used, for his own selfish reasons... Where does that leave you? your own worth and self-respect?

LEAVE him. Make him grow up and accept his decision of marriage and *all* its consequences. I think you should let yourself grow up too from this experience and seek healthy and positive influences so you can move on. It is not my intention to belittle this experience of yours....I would think that it is *monumental!* But you have to make your own choices and decisions that you can live with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:00pm
You are my high school friend! Women older than you have been taken in by that line about his marriage not being good, he and his wife having grown apart and it's about the money, the kids, the property.

Maybe you're impressed that you got such a hot guy...or you're so impressed at how the sex is...or you're thinking it's hot to 'steal' someone's husband away...sexual prowess can go to some girl's heads.

He's a MORON. And you're with him for all the wrong reasons. You're supposed to look out for a MAN, someone who will work things out with his partner instead of turning someone else for comfort. Aim high...aim for someone that you can be proud of, not someone who doesn't have his values messed up, someone who can't manage his finances, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 1:15pm

What are you still doing with him? Honestly, I don't have a clue! - Could it be that you actually believe what this man is saying to you? He has a marriage (whether or not it is good is his issue to deal with, not yours) and a responsiblity to those he comes into contact with to treat them with respect. He didn't do that with you... he had sex with you.


Not only is this a case of infidelity, the fact that you are still a minor makes it something else entirely. But, those issues didn't seem to matter...


He approached you... that says a lot right there...


If it were me I would decide rather quickly that this isn't the type of man I want in my life and I would stop all contact and get on with my own life. It's your choice though...


tg

Terry Owens
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 6:00pm
<<<>>

I'm confused as to why you would give such a precious gift to someone who has no moral integrity at all. Its something you will probably regret that you gave up your virginity to such a low life.

<<>>

Its not too early for the act, just too early to deal with the consequences and emotions associated with sex especially for a female.


<<>>

So says he...and we already know he's a liar and doesn't respect vows so how can you remotely trust what he says. They could have a glorious relationship. You are young but even grown women fall for this one time and time again. If the relationship isn't healthy he can get divorced and get out of it.

<<<>>

So basically he's a sexual predator...picked up a girl still in high school, that screams sexual predator to me.

<<>>

HOGWASH!

<<<>>

Of course he has, he's a liar, cheater, manipulator and obviously a master at it and he keeps fooling young girls into believing he's such a good guy. BLECH! It makes me sick.


<<>>

Quite frankly I have no idea, you are wasting your time being with a liar like this, even if you managed to wrangle him away from his wife do you honestly believe you would be able to ever trust this man after knowing he's had numerous affairs? I would imagine it would be a resounding NO! This isn't the best you can do, this is about the bottom of the barrell so I say there is no place but up from here. Get out of this relationship and work on your self esteem and figure out why you think so little of yourself that you will take the scraps this man offers you.

He is a boy in a man's body and he's playing a dangerous game, sooner or later he's going to sleep with a girl whose lying about her age and his sexual predator days will be over and he will be arrested and branded a sex offender for having sex with minors. (depending on the state and age of consent of course) But girls nowadays look more and more older and I can just see him nailing a 14 yr old claiming to be 18...PRISON!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:32am
pianoguy...i'm just curious where you came up with your "guess" that this young poster "hopes that the married man....will abandon his wife and come running to you"?...i didn't read anything in her post to suggest that has been her intent...i wonder why you make the leap to such an assumption?...is it your belief that females don't ever desire to have a sexual fling without hoping the man will marry us??

of course this married man was wrong to become involved with a teenage virgin...i just had to ask you pianoguy, why did you make such a sexist remark as to suggest women only give sex to get love and/or married?

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:30pm
I'm 34- maybe my experience will help you... he's taking advantage of your inexperience and your good nature. You're young and should be thinking about your prom and college and all the directions your life can go in. You'll meet plenty of guys who will be just like this one (that's not a good thing) so don't worry about missing him. But, along the way, you will also find some really nice ones- and even if you don't, just remember that you don't need to hold up your life for someone else's problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 7:45am
honeynvinegar...

Pianoguy's remark WASN'T sexist.

From many past conversations with women who have trusted my opinion, there seems to be an undercurrent of "I gave myself to him and he now he's ignoring me!"

I think there ARE women out there who enjoy a casual sexual fling without any conditions or stipulations. And if this "sex without commitment" concept works for them that's fine!

BUT...in most cases, the more a woman becomes involved (or infatuated) with a man of any age...isn't there usually some sort of expectation on her part? Most of the women I know aren't just content to "give themselves to us"...they're also giving us "a piece of their hearts!"

And the heart is probably the most vulnerable organ each of us has!

You and I know that this 17-year old girl's first real sexual encounter didn't end happily...and I sense that her heart is still broken? How quickly she can mend it and move forward into a future relationship depends upon the amount of time she needs. I just hope this particular incident hasn't messed up her head for life?

All of us "mature men" aren't out to get something and then dump you!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 8:16am
huh?....your reply has even more sexist undertones in my opinion pianoguy....again you are assuming that sex for females is all about "giving themselves" to the man??...do you realize women enjoy/desire/lust for sex and that we orgasm?...do you understand that sexual activity is satisfying and pleasurable for females?...or do you assume the reason we "give" sex is to please you men?....you mention conversations you've had with women where they state "i gave myself to him...."....well i've been a woman all my life (LOL) and have had tons of conversations with women and most of us don't wind up feeling used and as if sex is one sided for the mans pleasure...you ask "isn't there usually some expectation on her part?" as she becomes more involved with a guy, well, aren't men expecting more when they begin to become infatuated or fall in love too?...men want relationships to grow also...you seem to feel its women who seek relationships when its equally men who want to have a loving romance.

your last sentence "all of us "mature men" aren't out to just get something and dump you"...huh????....first off i can't recall ever having been "dumped", but besides that, what are you insinuating?...are you suggesting many or most men ARE into just "getting something and dumping"?

something in your tone sounds like you just don't get my point and its my impression you have a misguided outlook on females that is sexist, despite that you feel you aren't.

JMHO

honey

    

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