lost in limbo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2006
lost in limbo
2
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 10:10pm

Here is my situation and I would appreciate everyone's views or advice. I've been dating a guy for several months now. And until about a week ago everything was going great. Well he is a full time dad to a 21 month old son. The mother of his son was a herion addict and they split up when the son was 3 mos. When the son was 6 mos. she upped and left and he has been raising the son alone. Up until last Friday, we talked every day on the phone and saw each other about 3-4 times a week. Well last Friday, I get a text (not a phone call) saying he wanted to spend the nite with his son and he will call tomorrow. ok, no problem. Saturday, another "text" saying sorry baby i'm just not myself, i'm working but i will call. Sunday comes and goes and i didn't hear from him. Monday i get another "text" saying got myself in a bit of a jam, i'll be ok, just need some time, i'm sorry, i don't want to lose you! i text back what kind of jam and is there anything i can do? no response. Tuesday I get a text saying his son's mother has contacted him and needed a place to stay for a bit, maybe he is being stupid but he is letting her. just need some to work things out. Don't feel like talking about it, i'm sorry. i waited a day and attempted to call him but he didn't answer, so i sent a text saying we'll she is your son's mother so i can understand to a point. You know i'm here for you and I love you. I have not heard from him. So am i being niave by believing he is just helping her out? since she is his son's mother. and her family has thrown her out before so not sure if she can go there. Or do you think there is more going on. If he wants to help her that is one thing, but i don't understand my he feels the need to shut me out. I'm sure there is alot on his mind and i know men handle stressful situations differently than women, but please give me some honest feedback!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 7:21am

What I am wondering is why this man had a heroin addict as a girlfriend, a girlfriend with whom he had a child? This lady gets tossed out of her parent's house probably for good reason and your boyfriend, who has a toddler and you (his girlfriend), is more than willing to upend his life to take the heroin addict into his home and disrupt everything. Not only that but he didn't tell you right away, the least he could have done is call you to tell you what happened, the amount of time this lady is going to stay and the big plan.

If I were you I would be a little suspect too. This guy seems to have a lot of issues and baggage that are clearly not in his past but very much in his present.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 10:19am

No, hon. There are other ways your friend could have helped his son's mother other than allowing her back into his home. I don't know if she is still actively using drugs (I certainly hope not), but if so, the first place she should be encouraged to go is into an inpatient treatment program. But that's not even his responsibility. He has taken her on as his responsibility because he wants to.

I guess the question is: what kind of commitment did you have with this man before this happened? Did you consider yourselves in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? I don't believe a real boyfriend would treat you like he has. It would be absolutely unacceptable for my boyfriend to have his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend living with him while he is in a relationship with me. And even if he only let her move in because he felt sorry for her and wanted her to be with her son, a REAL boyfriend would have talked to you about it immediately. He wouldn't blow you off the way he has.

My suspicion is he still has romantic feelings for this woman, and that's why he placed you on the backburner. You shouldn't stay in that position, hon. Text him, call him or wait til he calls you, but tell him it is OVER... until this situation with his baby's mama is resolved, and then you and he need to have a serious conversation about your relationship, if you still want one with him.