Is this love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Is this love?
10
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 2:02pm
I am a 45 year old woman involved for the past six months with a man of 60. In our small town, he's a relatively big fish, and a charming ladies man to boot, so when he turned the charm on me, I thought it was a joke. Well, everything has been too wonderful to be true. I've never known a more generous heart and, after two disasterous marriages, I couldn't believe my luck in our finding each other. After his wife of 30 years left three years ago, he's had one relationship. She left him to marry someone else;now that relationship is rocky and I think she wants him back. Here's the problem: about six weeks ago, I stupidly went through his email, found some very lovey emails between the two of them dated 3 weeks after we started going out. I wish to heaven I had never done that; it only undermined my confidence and turned a suspicious eye on him. He swears that was their final communication, and all the "ladies man" stuff has been highly exaagerated. Maybe. He's given me no indication that there's anyone else, but I've sensed a coolness lately. When I confronted him, he said he showed his love with actions(roses when I'm upset, cash when I'm broke), which, of course, I do acknowledge and appreciate. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I'd rather have more attention and affection. And I can't get those emails out of my mind. He could be having a whole double life going, and I'm just a pleasant diversion or a rebound romance until she is free again. How can I overcome my suspicious nature and trust again?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 2:44pm
Had you agreed to date exclusively after only dating for 3 weeks? If not, what's the issue?

Do you now have an agreement that you are exclusive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 4:20pm
No mention of exclusivity had been mentioned after 3 weeks, no. There is now. I guess what concerns me is, how can he love one girl in April, and a month later say he loves me?I don't think love disappears that fast, or appears that fast.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 4:24pm
I would agree with you. Maybe he defines love differently than you or I would? His "love" is what I would call infatuation?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 6:50pm
Oh, absolutely. I think men can fall in love in a heartbeat (what you or I might call infatuation), and then it's over just as quickly. So am I the object of the infatuation or the girl before me? I personally think she was a bandage for his divorce; now I wonder if I am the bandage for her? Some guys never really learn how to be alone, each relationship just blends into the next, and they don't know who they're grieving for. Or am I psychoanalyzing too much?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 7:05pm
Only time will tell if he is simply infatuated with you or if it has the potential to be deeper. If you've been together for six months, that to me is about the beginning of the time when true love could start to develop.

Have you talked about what your relationship goals are, in general? At six months into a r'ship, I would want to know if he was on the same page as me (I want a serious LTR leading to marriage; you may have a different goal), and whether he has *eliminated* me as a potential partner in that type of relationship. If, at six months, we are on the same page and he still sees me as a potential marriage partner, then I would be willing to see what happened in the next 3-6 months so long as I trusted him to be honest with me if at any point he stopped seeing me in that role.

Also, you had mentioned something in your first post about wanting more affection, I think. Have you talked to him about what specific behavior you would like to see from him? If so, and if he's not giving it to you, then you need to decide whether you can accept him as is, or whether the lack of affection is a dealbreaker for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 6:06am
HE brought up the future (as in marriage possibilities) three months ago. There again, I looked around, wondering, "Who,me?" That's what I don't understand. He's having some serious business problems right now, and I can understand where his mind would be elsewhere. But I'm not Cinderella, I won't disappear at midnight, so what was the rush? Is this a man's way of nailing you down so you won't find someone else? I am not the sort of woman who needs a man to feel complete-this is my first relationship in four years. Why is it so impossible to just say what you mean, and mean what you say? As to the "more affection" debate, I told him exactly what I told you and that has improved. Is it any less genuine if he has to be told?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 11:21am
Anytime a guy brings up things like marriage and the future early on, I take it with a big grain of salt...as in, it's great he's thinking that way but it's early yet and only time will tell. It's one thing to say that he *wants* to get married again (the general r'ship goals I was talking about), but to say he thinks he wants to marry you, at only three months, just really isn't realistic. I think a lot of guys get carried away with infatuation in the early stages and say things like that, without realizing that a woman will take them at face value.

And come on, you are too mature to fall into that bs about it's only "genuine" if you don't have to ask for what you need, aren't you ;-)??????

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 7:36am
Well, of course, you're right, I just have a fairy tale ending running in my head! The affection part has improved since I mentioned it, but I am still sensing a coolness that wasn't there before. Is this just a natural progression of the relationship process, or is this "second thoughts"? He says I am obsessed with his past (which could be true), but isn't past behavior an indicator of future behavior? I am really running out of patience with his indecisive, "don't know how I feel" attitude after HE brought up the dreaded "L" word, made plans for the future, and led me to believe I was a part of it. Why is it so hard to say what you mean and mean what you say?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:31am
As I said before, only time will tell. Assuming you think he's worth taking a chance, give it a bit longer, and continue to evaluate his behavior and his words to see if they are consistent.

You might also try reading "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills, about the stages of courtship. It's very normal to have a period of uncertainty at this point in a r'ship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 2:05pm
Believe in yourself!!!
He's there because he wants to be there. It's been 6 months now - if you were simply an infatuation it probably would have ended already.
What's the point in second guessing this relationship so much? If it lasts, it will last. If it doesn't, don't make the time you have with him miserable by analyzing every little thing he says and does. You want to be happy in this relationship too?
The fact that you keep asking yourself "Who me?" makes me think that you have a self esteem issue. Yes, you! There are reasons why he chose you! Even if you can't see them, they are obviously there (otherwise he wouldn't hang around you). So take it for granted that you are worthwhile and you have plenty to offer him. It will give you more confidence, allow you to doubt things less, and probably lead to a happier you (even if this does end) - because you will know that you are worthy with or without his gaze upon you to tell you so. And confidence is very sexy.