Is this love?
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Is this love?
| Thu, 10-14-2004 - 2:02pm |
I am a 45 year old woman involved for the past six months with a man of 60. In our small town, he's a relatively big fish, and a charming ladies man to boot, so when he turned the charm on me, I thought it was a joke. Well, everything has been too wonderful to be true. I've never known a more generous heart and, after two disasterous marriages, I couldn't believe my luck in our finding each other. After his wife of 30 years left three years ago, he's had one relationship. She left him to marry someone else;now that relationship is rocky and I think she wants him back. Here's the problem: about six weeks ago, I stupidly went through his email, found some very lovey emails between the two of them dated 3 weeks after we started going out. I wish to heaven I had never done that; it only undermined my confidence and turned a suspicious eye on him. He swears that was their final communication, and all the "ladies man" stuff has been highly exaagerated. Maybe. He's given me no indication that there's anyone else, but I've sensed a coolness lately. When I confronted him, he said he showed his love with actions(roses when I'm upset, cash when I'm broke), which, of course, I do acknowledge and appreciate. And I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I'd rather have more attention and affection. And I can't get those emails out of my mind. He could be having a whole double life going, and I'm just a pleasant diversion or a rebound romance until she is free again. How can I overcome my suspicious nature and trust again?

Do you now have an agreement that you are exclusive?
Sheri
Have you talked about what your relationship goals are, in general? At six months into a r'ship, I would want to know if he was on the same page as me (I want a serious LTR leading to marriage; you may have a different goal), and whether he has *eliminated* me as a potential partner in that type of relationship. If, at six months, we are on the same page and he still sees me as a potential marriage partner, then I would be willing to see what happened in the next 3-6 months so long as I trusted him to be honest with me if at any point he stopped seeing me in that role.
Also, you had mentioned something in your first post about wanting more affection, I think. Have you talked to him about what specific behavior you would like to see from him? If so, and if he's not giving it to you, then you need to decide whether you can accept him as is, or whether the lack of affection is a dealbreaker for you.
Sheri
And come on, you are too mature to fall into that bs about it's only "genuine" if you don't have to ask for what you need, aren't you ;-)??????
Sheri
You might also try reading "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills, about the stages of courtship. It's very normal to have a period of uncertainty at this point in a r'ship.
Sheri
He's there because he wants to be there. It's been 6 months now - if you were simply an infatuation it probably would have ended already.
What's the point in second guessing this relationship so much? If it lasts, it will last. If it doesn't, don't make the time you have with him miserable by analyzing every little thing he says and does. You want to be happy in this relationship too?
The fact that you keep asking yourself "Who me?" makes me think that you have a self esteem issue. Yes, you! There are reasons why he chose you! Even if you can't see them, they are obviously there (otherwise he wouldn't hang around you). So take it for granted that you are worthwhile and you have plenty to offer him. It will give you more confidence, allow you to doubt things less, and probably lead to a happier you (even if this does end) - because you will know that you are worthy with or without his gaze upon you to tell you so. And confidence is very sexy.