In love with 2 completely different men

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In love with 2 completely different men
2
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 4:41am

Hello! I posted to this board a long time ago, and you guys really helped me get through a situation I was dealing with at the time. So, here I am posting again, with another situation!

I'm seeing two guys right now. Let me break it down for you. (FYI, we're all right around 30)

Guy X:
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X is my ex-boyfriend. We dated for a year-and-change, and broke up in August. He's a WONDERFUL guy with a HUGE heart. I'm extremely attracted to him physically. However, he smoked what I consider to be quite a bit of pot, which I always had a problem with and figured out was actually a manifestation of underlying issues: an unwillingness to get his sh*t together and grow up. The main reason we broke up was because I wanted him to live a clean, forward-moving life with me, and he felt that he wouldn't be ready for that for a few years and was willing to let me go.

Breaking up was actually somewhat of a relief, because I'd been getting a little bit bored (he's a homebody and I'm do-stuffer). We've stayed closely in touch, and he has proven to be an amazing, caring, perfectly great friend. He's even cleaned up his act a bit--paid off debts, pursued interests to which I'd initiated him, got back in shape, etc.

A couple months ago (before Guy Y came along) he began hinting subtly at romantic intentions, and I had been entertaining such thoughts as well, but we maintained our mutual justifications for the breakup. I knew that when one of us started dating someone else things would probably change. Which brings me to...

Guy Y:
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I met Y about a month ago at a Halloween party at a bar. He approached me and, while I thought he was kinda cute (but a little bit heavy for my taste), I basically thwarted his advances as I do pretty much all guys that I meet at bars. He maneuvered well, though, and made somewhat of an impression. He excused himself to go get a drink of water, telling me not to move an inch...at which point the girlfriend I had come with swooped in and told me that there was another guy bothering her and she wanted to skedaddle. Caring more about her comfort and safety than some guy hitting on me, I agreed to leave with her.

Later in the week I happened to check my MySpace e-mail, and there was a message from Guy Y in my inbox! He wondered where I had gone, because he had told me not to move. Curious as to how he'd found me on basically no information (I had given him my first name), I responded to ask him. He responded that he had googled my (kind of unique) first name along with the name of my home city, and my MySpace page was among the first links to pop up on the results page (I tried it myself, and sure enough there I was). He had also posted a Missed Connection for me on Craigslist, but by the time I learned about it, the post had expired so I never did see it.

Well, our e-mail correspondence revealed that Y was a witty, intelligent guy, and I gave him my phone number. He called me, and we talked for FOUR HOURS. I don't think I've had a marathon phone conversation like that since my early twenties. Plus, we share a birthday (for what it's worth).

We met up the next day (which was a little over two weeks ago from today) at a concert and discovered that our connection was utterly core-to-core. I've never met anyone with whom I've had such a strong mutual understanding right off the bat like that. I think I understand identical twins now: when I'm with him, looking at him, I know exactly what he's thinking, feeling, etc at any given time. I can stare at his face, looking into his eyes, transfixed, for hours. When he speaks, his words voice what's in my own soul and mind, like telepathy only with more gusto. When he gestures or adds an affectation to his expression, it might as well be originating from me. He challenges me to examine my life's decisions and work, and calls forth the art within me. He has a big, dominant, masculine personality, which works well with me. He changed my life overnight, basically switching on the lights for me. He's a brilliant, lucid conversationalist, creative, and very dedicated to his friends and family.

Here's the thing: Guy Y is from the ghetto, and is an aspiring rap artist. He lives a couch-surfing lifestyle and has no steady source of income outside of student loans (at least so far as I can ascertain). He smokes as much or more pot than Guy X, AND cigarettes (though since meeting me he has cut way back on the cigs, I think because he knows I don't like it). He's a community college student, and a very good student at that I will say, who wants to transfer to a local, 4-year college at some point so that he can study to be something more stable once his rap-artist days are over. He doesn't know what he wants to be yet.

I, on the other hand, have a steady job, upper-middle class background, graduate degree, and what I've always thought was a healthy sense of entitlement to continuing such a life for myself based on my hard work and regard for my relationships with family and friends. Guy X played into that notion, and of course my family adores him. But Guy Y has come along and, as he put it, "flipped the script."

I told Guy X that I had news to share, that I had met someone who wanted to date me exclusively (as Guy Y had expressed on a few occasions), and that that I was thinking about it. Guy X responded by telling me that he had been thinking a lot about us and that he had been making a lot of really positive changes in his life so that he could get back together with me successfully, and was more in love with me now than ever before.

Guy X's proclamation really screwed me up. I was getting really into Guy Y, but then I realized between my thoughts that X was truly an amazing guy and I was incredibly lucky that he was still that into me and wanted to continue dating me on enhanced, mutually exciting terms. I broke it to Guy Y that I wasn't as over my ex as I'd initially let on, and understandably he was upset. However, he understood my confusion and told me to take my time in sorting it all out.

Both guys have fed me the same compliment lines: You're the most beautiful woman in the world, you're perfect for me, when I'm with you there's nothing else in the world that matters, I want to marry you and have children with you, no one has ever made me feel like this before, I've never been able to see myself settled down with anyone until you came along, etc.

I'm not sleeping with either of them until this is sorted out. I've been hanging out with them both. I'm attracted to both physically, but X more than Y because he takes better care of himself and that's important to me. Both know that I'm not committing to a relationship yet. Being with X is mellow and loving; being with Y is dramatic and thrilling. X is being much more patient while I get my ducks lined up. Y insists on constant reassurance that I'm into him.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Any insights, any at all, would be greatly appreciated! I'm a wreck right now. I care about both of them, and I'm absolutely sick over the knowledge that one of them is probably going to get hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 11:29am
Love is great and wonderful and makes you feel like you are on top of the world.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 8:19pm

I am in a somewhat similar situation. See "torn between two...". I would like to know how
your two men are handling this.

I just told my "y" last night that "x" wanted me back and I was very confused. He had a couple tears, and because he is such a good person he said "I am sorry that you have to
go through this." I said I need to talk to my therapist on Tuesday. Today, Monday, when I saw him he acted completely like I had not said anything to him, at all.

I am fairly sure that I am going to take "x" back. I feel we have a good chance of having a happy ending. But I want a couple more weeks to be sure.

I have not figured out if I want to see both or neither or just "y". I AM confused on the right way to go about this.