Love Grows?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Love Grows?
11
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 10:46am

Okay... so I have heard a million times in my life that love takes time to grow. But I'm just not sure....

I recently met a new guy about two months ago. We have been having a great time together. On paper and in real life he is pretty much everything I've been wanting. He is fun and funny, affectionate, honest, he has a really good heart. He is sexy and very attractive to me because he is a little mysterious and he is not settled in his life. He is graduating from college in May and looking for jobs in different states. He has already said that he would like it if I moved away with him and I want to. I wanted to move away anyway and this way I wouldn't have to do it alone.

My question is... sometimes I'm not so sure that he is the one for me. I struggle to find anything I don't like about him but at the same time my feelings for him are not as intense... like head over heels mushy love like I have had over guys in the past. Do you think this is a sign that we don't have good chemistry? Or does it make more sense that I am just more mature now than I was when I met my ex 2.5 years ago. Could the way I be feeling... excited and content but cautious be a good thing? And if so should I keep moving forward with this relationship. Is it true that love can grow?? Is it bad not to feel completely overly inflatuated with someone in the beginning?

A little extra background... my boyfriend of 2.5 years just broke up in November and I moved out of the house I shared with him in Janurary. I thought I was going to marry my ex but in the end I ended it because we didn't want the same things and I wasn't willing to wait any longer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: tigarlily22
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 11:13am

I understand your position. There could be many reasons, as you stated, why you are not overly infatuated with this new guy. Another item to consider, amongst the rest, is that you started dating this guy pretty soon after the other one moved out. It could also be that your heart is protecting itself and not allowing you to experience the "highs" that come with the beginning of a new relationship. On the other side of the issue, it could also be that this person, while great in many ways, is not the "one". Growing up, our mothers always reminded us to look at the practical side of dating and marriage and to pick with our heads sometimes more than our hearts. The drawback of doing that is that the "passion" may be missing, and thus leading us to walk away from this kind of relationship later. Our moms sometimes stayed with a marriage for many years because of the practical reasons they had in getting married. Our divorce rates are higher, because we do marry for other reasons now. Which way is the right way? Who knows? It is an individual thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
In reply to: tigarlily22
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 11:40am

I think that love can grow slowly. It was more like that with me with my ex. And I did love him.

But, I'm wondering if maybe you aren't completely over your ex yet. That can definitely have an effect on your feelings for a new guy.

A couple of years ago I started dating someone. I liked him very much, but just couldn't seem to develop any feelings for him. I didn't feel much chemistry like you said. I think the timing was just off. I was still getting over my ex, and a lot of other stuff was going on in my life at the time. 3 months ago me and this guy decided to give it another try. I was very skeptical that things would feel any different. Boy was I wrong. The chemistry is insane this time around, and I've got all kinds of feelings for him. Same guy, 2 years apart, like night and day.

So, maybe it is a timing thing with you too. Only time will tell. You will know if it is right or not. Good luck.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/219b09

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
In reply to: tigarlily22
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 2:59am

Wow, I am in a very similar situation to you -- so similar that it finally made me sign up with iVillage to answer. :)

My BF of 1.5 years and I broke up in September .. not at all my decision although in retrospect I can see we wanted different things. I loved this man more than I ever thought possible, and it was (and, in some ways still is) a truly difficult breakup for me. In December I re-met an acquaintance from college and by January I found myself in an exclusive relationship with him. I say I "found myself" in it because it all happened so quickly and to be honest I was a passive participant in the relationship. He was on paper everything I wanted in a relationship, things I knew I needed in a relationship based on my prior one -- he had such a good heart, was intelligent and ambitious, confident but not at all egotistical, great sense of humor, I was attracted to him .. I could go on and on. Bottom line was that by the end of January I freaked out -- all those qualities didn't matter because all my heart could focus on was that he wasn't my ex-boyfriend. Clearly I was not close to being over him. I broke it off, although we did manage to remain friends. He has been so good throughout this time -- he knows about my prior relationship and while I know it is hard for him to be "just friends," (and I have made it clear that I don't know if we can ever be more, I really need to heal, etc) he has become a really good friend of mine.

We've slowly begun spending more and more time together, and I know that I would like to try again -- once I am ready. But your question is the exact question I am battling -- am I missing that head-over-heels, take-my-breath away feeling because I still need to heal from breakup, or because he isn't the "one?" How long do I wait? Again, all the qualities are there, I'd be crazy not to give it another shot with him -- but then again I run the risk of really hurting him again. Every day my feelings and opinions change, and I think I am stressed about it because I am so concerned about his feelings and hurting him. I've always been the person that knows pretty quickly whether there is "chemistry," i.e. I've never been in a relationship where I was lukewarm at first and something grew from there. So my question (among others) is: if you are normally someone who just "knows" pretty quickly whether there is something more there, is it possible that it isn't always like that? To go back to your subject title, I'd also like to know, can love grow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: tigarlily22
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 10:44am

"But your question is the exact question I am battling -- am I missing that head-over-heels, take-my-breath away feeling because I still need to heal from breakup, or because he isn't the "one?" How long do I wait?"

You ask alot of insightful questions. True love always grows. Even if you are not experiencing the exciting "in love" or infatuation feelings, real love grows and continues through the years. However, it is that tug, that passion, that "thing" that a guy does inside to you, that keeps you in the relationship sometimes. Sometimes adversity destroys relationships and sometimes it brings you closer, and that is real love too.

Gee, if you don't want this great guy, then bring him on over because some of us may want him! hehehe.

You are very thoughtful to consider his feelings when making this decision. However, if your heart and mind keep changing about him, then I would venture to say that you probably are better off not dating him again. When you want something, really want something you feel it in your gut. "When in doubt, don't."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: tigarlily22
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 6:00pm

I posted a similar thread on Ask Anser Man - I met a man recently who is, on paper, everything I want - but when I think about him, I don't feel giddy. He will call sometimes, and I don't really care to answer right then. I don't always look forward to seeing him or hearing from him. I will go out with him once more but I'm leaning towards not being 'it' no matter how good or nice he is. That ZING has to be there too.

I do believe that true love takes time to grow - but I don't beleive that the deep attraction needed to go the long haul does - to me, that is either there or it isn't.

the fact taht you are not sure he is the one means he likely isn't.

Your heart knows the truth - and when you get quiet and stop trying to talk yourself into or out of anything - such as in those waking moments in the morning before your conscious is fully awake - what thoughts aobut him do you have? Ask yourself this question before you fall asleep and trust that you will get the answer - be prepared that it might not be very obvious though: Is (his name)the man I am meant to be with? The answer will come when you are not trying to answer this question - all clarity does.

Basically, when you are n the right path, you have no heaviness of heart, no confusion, and feel at peace. when you are going in the wrong direction, you will feel heavy, burdened, anxious and confused. Think of moving with him and how do you feel - leave out all the reasons you should feel a certain way.. Then think about how you feel if you tell him goodbye? Which feels peaceful?

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
In reply to: tigarlily22
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 4:27pm

I totally agree with everything you say in the post, and I think that waiting and making sure I AM ready, it is something I really want, is the best decision. I have enjoyed our time together as "friends" and getting to know him without worrying about the pressure of dating him. I am fairly certain the issue is more that I am not ready to be in a relationship, that I am not over my ex ... because there are times that I look at him, I mean really look at him, and don't think of my ex, don't think of anything else, and my stomach does a little flip. (In a good way!) And there IS a great sexual connection between us (but I am not acting on it, lots of control :) !! The times that I am confused about my feelings usually are when I am having a "bad" day in terms of thinking about my ex. It's been seven months and this breakup still affects my life -- I know this is for another board, but man I can't wait until the hurt has dulled enough that I can just look back and think fondly of him.

All I can do right now is take it day by day, and trust my gut as you say. He truly is an amazing man, and if I find out that he really isn't "the One," then he definitely deserves the opportunity to find someone who will give back to him as much as he gives to other people. But I'm secretly hoping that he is :)

Thanks for all the advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: tigarlily22
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 5:29pm

Sounds like this guy is a winner! You elaborated more in this post so it is clear that you do have chemistry with this guy. It could take a long time before you can think of an ex without feeling pain. Sometimes it never really goes away, but you can separate that experience from dating new guys. Right now it seems that you cannot separate the two. It sucks that you look at the new guy and think of the ex. Are they alot alike? Are you not over the ex (meaning you would get back together) or is it just that the breakup really hurt bad? If you are not over the ex and would still consider getting back together with him then it will take a long time before you can really date this guy with an open heart.

My first divorce didn't end well because he fell in love with another woman. I agreed tothe divorce not because I wanted him out of my life, but because I don't believe in holding someone back if they want to leave. It took a while for the pain to go away. I never thought that we would ever be apart just a couple of years prior to the divorce. He changed in such a way over the years that it was a different relationship by the time we were done. He did try to stop the divorce before it was final but I could tell he was just afraid of being alone and didn't really want ME. The woman he left me for didn't wish to be married to him, I guess. That was a tough decision for me because, like I said, I wouldn't have asked for the divorce, but I could see that he was coming back to me for the wrong reasons. He had/has alot of good qualities like ambitious, hard working, flexible in terms of social activities, liked variety in our activities, good looking, brave, and other things. But all of that really didn't matter because he stopped loving me.

For some strange reason, everyone thought he and I would get back together some day. I don't know why. I think he even thought that we might rekindle something one day because before he married his second wife he called me and asked me if I still didn't want kids (I didn't at the time because we were having trouble). He felt that the breakup and his decision to have an affair was due to me wanting to wait about having kids. He never saw that clearly. He had to have kids NOW. I said I am not a vending machine. My perspective was that we were having problems (not due to children), which led to the inevitable affair, and resulted in divorce. I wasn't going to complicate things by having a child. And, now, I have no desire at all for kids and feel that I made the right decision by not having children. Well, I thought his question on the phone at that time was strange because our divorce was over 3 years prior to this unexpected call. He said that he and this woman were going to start having kids so he needed to know if I had changed my mind. Out of nowhere he does this. I said he might want to marry her first if he is going to have children with her. He wanted the kid first. Now that is NOT the man I married about 10 years prior to this.

In the end he and the second wife divorced, due to him falling for another woman. This time he complicated his life with having a child with the other woman, out of wedlock. He and the woman never married and I'm sure he wouldn't trade his little boy for anything inthe world but he sure has a complicated living situation with 2 children from the 2nd wife also.

We were not in touch for years and recently we got back in touch because of a crime being commited against me, him and others. But we don't feel like husband and wife when we communicate or see each other. It doesn't hurt to see him or speak to him. The pain over losing him subsided many years ago. We will always like each other and hope for the best for each other and probably be concerned if something should happen to one of us. Because of what happened to he and I and his friends we may have to stay in touch for a while to make sure that things return to normal and to reconnect if anything looks fishy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
In reply to: tigarlily22
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 6:57pm
It could be that you're on the rebound from your ex and that he really isn't the one. But if you enjoy his company, I don't see any reason why you should stop seeing him. As for the moving away with him... I would wait a few more months before making that decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
In reply to: tigarlily22
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 4:04pm
Thanks everyone for all the good responses. The more time I spend with him the better things get. As I get to know him more I like him better and better everyday. I think that I am growing into love instead jumping in head first like I used to. I actually feel like the way I am going about it now is healthier and better than the old way even if I didn't feel crazy in love right away. I am excited to move away with him if it happens. He really is a great guy and I am definately falling for him I am just doing it over time I guess. We are long distance right now... about 2 hours away and I only get to see him on weekends so maybe that is another reason why things are moving a little slower. I really don't think I'm on the rebound though... since breaking up with my last bf I have never been happier and healthier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: tigarlily22
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 6:51pm
Good luck with your relationship and the move. Moving for a guy is tricky. When I moved because my first husband wanted to move it didn't work out for me or our relationship because he changed just after we arrived in our new home. I haven't seen much success with other people either. But like you said, you want to move anyway so the outcome may be different.

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