In love with a long distance boyfriend..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
In love with a long distance boyfriend..
8
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 2:07pm
I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 months now. We live 2 hours apart from each other. I have come to the conclusion that I am falling in love if not in love already, but I hold back a lot of my feelings because I don't know how he feels for me. I have told him that I am feeling this way and I wanted to know what he felt. I also told him that if he isn't falling in love with me then I couldn't continue our relationship because I wasn't going to let myself get hurt. His response was that he loves being with me, loves talking to me, enjoys doing this together, but he doesn't know if he loves me. I am not sure what to do. We haven't spoken about the issue again since. We talk every day sometimes twice a day and we see each other everother weekend sometimes weekly depending. I constantly ask myself if my feelings are real and I come to the conclusion that yes they are but I hold back my thoughts and certain affections because I don't know how he'll respond.

I guess my question is being that he lives far and he doesn't know his feelings toward me should I continue the relationship or end it before I get hurt more? Although it's only been 2 1/2 months he hasn't introduced me to friends or family only his daughter, which we get along great, is it too soon for that or does that show that he's not in love?

Aracely

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 3:18pm
Well, the cat's out of the bag now. Kudos for being assertive. Before you break it off, give him some time (I'd say about 2, no more than 3 weeks) to consider your relationship. If he still doesn't know or gives you something that's less than you want, cut your losses. The exclusivity conversation usually happens between months 2 and 6 for most people, so it's not necessarily too soon.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 12:00pm
I see no reason at all to break it off with him. 2 1/2 mos. is not a very long time!

His actions speak pretty loudly to me. You talk every day, see each other every other week or more even though you live apart. He has introduced you to his daughter. (I would not actually get my daughter involved unless I were much further along in the relationship, for the good of the daughter.) You didn't say if he is raising the daughter himself. But it sounds like he may have his hands full, what with the long distance and the daughter.

He actually sounds like a good guy to me. You say you are "falling in love" with him and you want to know if he reciprocates. What a way to put him on the spot! It sounds like you are pressuring him to make far more of a commitment than anyone should reasonably make after 2 1/2 months. And he is being very considerate. How can he possibly know after 2 1/2 months? And what if he tells you what you want to hear -- and later on decides that this is not what he wants?

Much better in my opinion to keep enjoying his good company and see how it goes. If it is meant to work out, it will. You will only spoil things by rushing things.

This does NOT mean that you shouldn't withold your feelings to a considerable extent. And it would NOT be unreasonable, if it is what you are worried about, to ask him if there is someone else in his life or whether he regards you as his only romantic interest.

But he has told you where things stand, and you can see where things stand by his actions. It would be the easiest thing in the world for him to tell you what you want to hear, then dump you when things don't work out. Much, much better for his honesty. Like I say, he sounds like a good guy to me from what you have said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 12:28pm
that was very well said.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 1:00pm
Well, I think he definitely cares about you since he has introduced you to his daughter. And just maybe the distance will do you both good. You'll want me able to meet as often, and it might give him a chance to figure out how he really feels about you. So hang in there truelove2001.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 1:03pm
Actually my post was #3 in response to the initial question. My advice was similar to yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:15pm
Thanks for the advise. I think I will give it a month or two before seeing were we stand. I think my biggest concern is holding back from getting hurt, which is something I don't want again. I really really like him a lot and if it isn't going to work out from love then I can't get my heart too involved. He is a really nice guy and I think he may feel the same feelings but is also holding back. His last real relationship was a year and a half ago and she cheated on him with the neighbor, to make it worse he caught her doing it. So I think that has to do a lot with him letting himself go.

Either way, thanks again and I keep up to date on what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:29pm
Thanks for your advise and I think that I will give it some time. He is a really nice guy and I really really like him, but I think I'm just afraid of getting hurt again. When I think of that I think that maybe that's on his mid too. His last real relationship was a year and a half ago and the girl cheated on him which he caught. Pretty horrid! So I think that may have something to do with it. Either way, I can't let something good go, I wish we could see each other more often but I guess right now it's not that simple. I will give it a month or two before I ask, or do you think I should wait longer? I just don't want my feelings to grow stronger and then be let down. I guess I just have to take a chance.

I haven't mentioned anything and neither has he since that conversation, nor have we seen each other. We'll be seeing each other this Sunday coming up, so we'll see.

Thanks again for the advise and if you have any more let me know.

Aracely

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 6:54pm
I think it wouldn't hurt to talk to him within a couple of months about how you feel about each other and where you think things are going. I wouldn't press him but I wouldn't hesitate if I were you to hold back.

If he has a daughter, he's divorced or something, right? That in itself is a big reason for him to take it easy, if he has any sense at all.

Again, I'd go more by how he ACTS than by what he says or doesn't say at this point. And take his caution as a good sign. As I say, at this point.